Real Natural Moms

GAPS diet

2011-10-24T23:49:00.000-04:00

"Look, Ma, two hands!"

That's it--get every drop of goodness, baby.

Whew. I have not been able to post any of my fabulous journey with the GAPS diet, complete with mess-ups and grease-splattered photos, because I have been up to my elbows in squash and bone broth. It has been empowering though, to realize that I have been able to do this. My kids have eaten soup for breakfast for almost a month. And have had sauerkraut, kefir, veggie juice (they already liked that), bone broths, homemade mayonnaise, meat-off-the-bone, kimchi (only my adventurous 6 yo who is addicted to horseradish so I know has a spicy mouth), and every type of soup you could imagine, often blended in the old-school Vitamix 3600, or invented from scraps in the fridge. We were late to nature class this morning because I didn't finish making THE SOUP until 10 minutes before we had to leave, and for some reason it doesn't work to scarf down soup. God made it to be savored. And, um, it doesn't travel well in the van. Maybe that will be my contribution to the GAPS world--dehydrated soup pellets, or soup brittle. If it looks like dipping dots, kids will like it! Wait, it might need to have sugar in it too. Hmph.

I had the stomach flu last week, and was laid exceedingly low. DH had to pick up the GAPS pieces, and many of the elements were missed, and some starches were consumed. But I can see a (negative) difference in behavior this week, and my 2 yo's contentment/attention span which means that it had been making a difference BEFORE. Somehow I am telling this in the most confusing way possible, but we'll just keep muddling through. And at the end of the day her cheeks would not be flaming red while we were stricter with doing the diet, although she still has the keritosis bumps on her cheeks, arms, thighs, calves. And this week, ze cheeks, zey are red again! DH did the best he could, and I have to hand it to him for giving them broth and meat and veggies pretty religiously (maybe low on the veggies but who's counting).

I think with this diet, it helps we all (me and kiddos) have meat-loving, fat-needing type O blood. I think grains are hard on us, so later if we add in potatoes, sweet potatoes and other beans we might still be OK, although the disaccharides in these are supposed to keep our guts from healing (they are too hard to digest, so stay undigested, and feed bad pathogens/bacteria in the gut, which create holes in the lining of the gut). I need to read the book so I can explain this better! Sorry y'all.

He is less impressed with soup for breakfast.
And don't look now, but my desk is in a surprising lowly-piled state behind him. Yes, I said low!! Don't judge.
It counts as low if it doesn't look like it's going to fall over and bury a little person.

I didn't even include a picture of my 6 yo because she had already finished her soup and left. She has always loved soup and veggies and meat so I was not worried about her on this diet a'tall. She'll drink a spoonful of sauerkraut juice STRAIGHT UP. All that to say, follow this this week if you are interested in the GAPS diet. I have a plethora of websites and links I could share, but Kimi at Nourishing Gourmet is kind of summarizing/examining things this next week, so I thought I'd jump on her train. Maybe you'd want to join in the conversation!?? Do I sound freakishly excited for you to do that? I have been a little bit isolated this past month, haha. Next time I'll write more about why we started the diet and what I am (was?) hoping to accomplish. What am I doing? What am I eating? Hey, sometimes just Chipotle. I'm no superhero.

31 Days to Clean

2011-09-24T20:44:00.003-04:00

This looks neat...if you decide to get it, let me know what you think!!
I need more of a Martha attitude--I think I focus too much on the "Mary heart," to the point of Mary laziness.

Click here to visit Sarah Mae.

Blogs From Which I Check

2011-09-15T01:01:00.002-04:00

Otherwise translated as "Blogs to Check Out." The list is growing. The list is fascinating. Beware!! I need to check out from them more often, like right now in fact. I didn't realize how many people there are interested in the same stuff I am! Am I really not a weirdo?? Will the blogging world accept me? Haha. Really, right now, in real life, I am just sitting in a room by myself, alone. A cyber friend, or even a cyber opinion, will not change the hermit life I am tempted to lead, right MM?

I downloaded an RSS feed burner, but I do not know how to use it yet. So I have just been bookmarking in different categories, and feel like the information out there is phenomenal. Here are my "health" and "homesteading" blogs--I obviously don't keep up on all of them, but they have helped me with a recipe, going 'poo free, gathering farm dreams, and researching GAPS diet, to name a few things. You can't beat that kind of practical advice! Do y'all have any you would recommend adding to the list?

www.steadymom.com
www.GNOWFLGINS.com
www.joyfulhome.wordpress.org
www.amykategypsymomma.blogspot.com
www.mystrengthandmysong.blogspot.com
www.kitchenstewardship.com
www.cheeseslave.com
www.healthhomehappy.com
www.nourishingdays.com
www.kellythekitchenkop.com
www.thenourishinggourmet.com
www.recipestonourish.blogspot.com
www.thehealthyhomeeconomist.blogspot.com
www.makersdietmom.com
www.goodlookingcook.blogspot.com
www.kamisniche.blogspot.com
www.radicallynatural.com
www.keeperofthehome.com
www.heavenlyhomemakers.com
www.theprairiehomestead.com/
polyfacehenhouse.com
www.amazinggrazefarm.blogspot.com/
homesteadrevival.blogspot.com/
ablossominghomestead.blogspot.com/
newlifeonahomestead.com/
www.theelliotthomestead.blogspot.com/
www.homesteaddryingracks.com/forgotten-way-blog.html
www.commonsensehomesteading.blogspot.com
www.thewholegang.org/blog
www.onjustacoupleacres.blogspot.com/
www.thebettermom.com
simplemom.net
wholenewmom.com
amoderatelife.com
creativeorganizing.typepad.com
www.foodrenegade.com
www.realfoodfreaks.com
www.coconutmama.blogspot.com
www.modernalternativemama.com
www.naturalmomstalkradio.com/blog/
granfreefoodie.blogspot.com
gapsdietjourney.com
premeditatedleftovers.com
mygapsmusings.wordpress.com
healthhomehappy.com
www.realfoodwholehealth.com
joshealthcorner.blogspot.com
thespunkycoconut.com
walkslowlylivewildly.com
divinehealthfromtheinsideout.com
www.crabappleherbs.com/blog

Plus there are the usual Holy Experience, Pioneer Woman, and Inspired to Action forays (I am starting the Maximize Your Mornings Challenge on Thursday!)

Go to town!! But don't stay up as late as I just did.

Simple lacto-fermented salsa

2011-09-08T23:55:00.000-04:00

First off, credit where credit is due: Got the recipe for this salsee online somewhere, but can't find it. How's that for credit?? But it seems that many have found the secret to this amazing, healthy, keeps-in-the-fridge-for-months way to preserve summer's garden tomatoes. Without sweating in the heat of canning baths! So here's a recipe from Cheeseslave for you that's very similar to what I did. But I didn't have jalapenos, and I would have definitely used cilantro if I had it. And red or yellow peppers. As you can see, my pantry was low. But that didn't keep me from the salsee!! Nothing can stand between us now.

So I didn't get the food processor in a picture, but you probably know what one of those look like. Throw a couple tomatoes in (I chopped mine in big chunks), an onion (also in big chunks), and chop it up, whatever consistency you like your salsa (it's hard to keep it chunky if that's how you like it, just warning you). With all my friend's generous tomatoes, I had to do maybe 4 rounds in the Cuisinart. So I divided mine into 2 big bowls, and basically ~~halved~~ fudged the recipe between them. OK, just realized I would need the actual recipe so I found it here. Aren't you relieved??

Warning before I go any further. That was perhaps my first ~~striked out~~ phrase in my entire blogging career of 90 or so posts. Not sure about that. But I am a little happy on the striker finger. Just warning you. And I kind of rebelliously did the opposite or perhaps what I am supposed to do with the striked out part, since the part that remains is reality. But I am a bad liar anyway.

I used a garlic press for the garlic cloves, instead of peeling them. I am too ~~important~~ lazy to peel garlic. Then I used 1/2 lemon per bowl, added maybe 2 Tbsp. sea salt in each one, 1/2 cup plain yogurt in each, and 1/4 cup water because it said to but then I ended up straining them later because they were too watery. I forgot to mention I was also out of cayenne pepper. Isn't this a great ~~experiment~~ recipe?

Somehow I got them into quart jars, I think with my 1/4 cup measure. With much landing on the counters. Now here is the wild part. Over the next 3 days, I would be working in the kitchen, and might move a jar a little, and it would HISS at me. Not a threatening one, but a little "ffff" like someone is making that sound with their lip and their teeth that sounds like a door creaking open...and it wasn't like twilight zone, but I was a little perturbed. Disconcerted. Definitely worried about my first fermentation ~~experiment~~ attempt. Here they are below, not looking very scary at all. Just kinda different. Oh, and I guess I used one quart and one smaller jar, and ate some of the fresh salsa for supper and put it in a quart jar later. Clearly I made sure I was doing it in the most confusing way possible, just to keep you on your toes.

Later I learned that I probably should have filled a baggie with water to "weigh down" the salsa and make sure it is immersed in the water the whole time (oh well, can't win 'em all). And you are supposed to stir them every so often, so I would have to open them up, and kind of plug my nose in my head (kind of like when you cringe when you're about to hear a loud noise, but with your nose). And stir and close again real quick. "Is this really working?" I would wonder. "Did I just ruin all of M's lovely tomates??" Sometimes I would just try not to look at them and forget they were there. But then they would hiss.

Twilight Zone version of the fermenting salsa

When it came time to ~~face~~ strain them, it really wasn't bad at all. I said, "Guys, I hate to stop your wild fermenting party, but I really think it's time to call it enough bacteria already. I know you're good and all, but I can't take too much of a good thing." Or something like that--stay very sensitive to the salsa and you'll have better results.

"No one understands me."

The smell when I popped them open (again with the hissing) was pretty normal, actually. And I decided there was too much liquid in there, so I strained that, but saved it because I figured it was valuable probiotic juice (later I made tomato soup with it and some more donated tomatoes). And here's what straining them looked like:

"Yes, I'm plastic and I have feelings too."

Yes, I'm ~~proud~~ aware that it's a plastic tupperware thing. But it fit my strainer really well. And then I microwaved it all and leeched plastic into it and killed all the good bacteria. The end.

Haha, no really, here is the finished salsa scooped into new ~~quart~~ whatever-that-smaller-size-is-called jars:

"See, we're not so bad."

At least they are in the fridge now, where they seem to fit in better. And they aren't too high and mighty to hang out next to the Aldi salsa.

"Hey, brow. Sorry you're not lacto-fermented like us."

Such a happy ~~family~~ combination of fermented and cheapo salsees.

Oh, and it is good! Would be better with cilantro and cayenne or jalapeno peppers, since judging by the Aldi brand I like it medium and this is definitely mild. I also, like Pioneer Woman, love that it does not have vinegar in it. Salsa need not have vinegar. Just lacto-fermenting goodness.

One other thing, for those out there who HATE to throw out food because it's past the expiration date? Anyone? Well, this SHOULD keep for months. And it's a great, simple way to ~~get rid of~~ enjoy your plentiful tomatoes. But please, do yours more carefully than me. I am a little bit too ~~adventurous~~ rebellious to be posting recipes.

This was my first attempt at a "link up," so if it doesn't work, go check out the Simple Lives Thursday blog hop at GNOWFLGINS!

What I'm Reading Wednesday

2011-09-07T10:23:00.006-04:00

I decided to take part in the blogging world's "naming days" phenomenon. And I can't decide if it needs hyphens, or quotes, or what. But as I actually chronicle the things I'm reading, I'm a little embarrassed--there is probably a little too much reading going on here! Especially since I'm not including anything that we are reading all day during our actual homeschool. My throat is a little hoarse after our first couple days of school this week, acksha-lay.

First of all, this is what my husband thinks of me reading so much:

Or maybe he's just tired of refried beans. Either way, my book pile is a little out of control.

Let's start with the ones I am reading for my homeschooling job. They are the ones that make me salivate when I start them, and then tend to work through rather slowly.

The Heart of Homeschooling is a really nice one, and it makes me nostalgic because Christopher Klicka passed away in the last couple years so it puts the whole book in a different light. Are we spending our days pouring into our kids in ways that really matter? What is the purpose of education? What is our role as parents? Reaching our kids' hearts is hard to do when we do not have much time with them. Sheesh, it's hard when we are with them all the time too. Maybe harder in some ways because we can't hide our yucky stuff as easily.

A Thomas Jefferson Education has been very challenging and kind of mind-blowing. It has already caused me to pick their college! (Is that controlling?? Nah!) Much of homeschooling has caused me to see that I really wasn't that great growing up. I got awards and school came easily for the most part, but a lot of the time I was just jumping through hoops. Except for the rare teacher or rare assignment, I wasn't experiencing true learning, much less retaining things. I hated history, and now that we are homeschooling it is one of my favorite subjects. I am really excited to start some American history with them this year! The book is challenging because I have NO IDEA how to teach this way, as an expert mentor who is guiding the student while instilling a love for learning. It involves reading classics ourselves! Yikes! You mean I have to struggle through Beowulf again??

A Biblical Home Education (Ruth Beechick) and Home Education (Charlotte Mason) espouse a similar home school philosophy. Both are very much in favor of using real books and real life and real nature to teach kids, because it just isn't natural for kids to learn "inside the box." They need to be active and living it (even through a living book) for it to make much sense. Why would they care at this point about something they can't apply to life? Outside the box should be standard procedure (which would make it not so much "outside the box" anymore, eh?). I have to admit, I have not gotten very far with CM's direct words so far; it takes concentration and I have precious little time or brainpower for that these days. But it is sweet to hear her actual tone and writing style, and the words straight from her very wise brain.

I can see that I will have to save some books for next week, if I expound on each one...so I'll just talk about what I'm using during quiet time. I don't use all these everyday, although I'd like to, but usually some combination.

The Hour That Changes the World was my book for 2010. I had a book exchange where ladies brought their lifechanging, recommended 2010 book, and this was the one I brought to try to "sell" others on (if yours got traded the most, you got an extra prize book--but everyone was too nice and didn't "steal," so we had to do a drawing instead).

It is a great framework for prayer. It keeps me focused, and gives structure to my time and my frazzled brain. And it keeps me from starting out with a focus on myself, since the first thing is PRAISE. Then it moves through waiting (a nice part too--just meditating on the love of God), confession, scripture prayer...and I'll leave you hanging for the rest. But there are twelve parts, which theoretically you could spend 5 minutes on (making the hour of prayer, sweet hour of prayer). It really would change the world if everyone did these everyday!!

With Christ in the School of Prayer is a sweet little book. I heard about it through study in brown and it has helped awaken more of a sense of the straightforwardness of prayer, and how God really does delight in giving good things to His children. And also how it's important to ask for the right things! The last chapter I read was about how much MORE will He give the Holy Spirit to those who ask. Yes!

Heaven at Home is a sweet book by Ginger Plowman that has challenged my selfish tendencies as a wife and mom. And that I am creating the kind of home I live in...so if I don't like it, it's my attitude and actions that need to change. She says it much more sweetly, and also makes sure to say this can only happen through the power of the Holy Spirit.

The Bible. 'Nuff said. And I didn't put a picture of my journal so that it remains incognito in case you ever find it somewhere.

OK, last ones for now. These are kind of my "reference books" currently that I go back to and use over and over. Power of a Praying Parent, along with a "How to Pray for Your Husband" card tucked inside, are great for praying many powerful things when I may not feel so inspired.

And Love and War was a study DH and I did that really rocked, but I keep the book nearby for a superduper prayer at the end. It's a doozy. It's like 3 or 4 pages long. And it covers every aspect of spiritual life and daily warfare you would ever encounter or think of. So I feel very "covered" when I take the time to pray this baby.

What are you reading?? Hopefully not just on Wednesdays?

Nutrimill Giveaway!

2011-09-05T15:43:00.004-04:00

Lest you think I have hit it big in the blog world, I'll say quickly that HEAVENLY HOMEMAKERS is having a Nutrimill giveaway. Not me. Nada me at all. But I have let you know about it, and would encourage you to enter, and perhaps I could get 1/100th of the credit if you win. Not that we care about credit, right?? But even if I had credit, I still wouldn't have a Nutrimill (thankfully I have access to one through my dear friend at Joyful Home)! Well, have fun and don't let the grain grinding bug getcha too bad.

Oh, you can also enter to win a dehydrator on the Heavenly Homemakers website too, and there's ALSO info there about a sweet Tropical Traditions giveaway too. These all apply very well to what I need right now. There's nothing like a giveaway that's not too frivolous, that applies to my real, felt needs--and, hm, there's nothing like winning it either. Let me know if you win it big time!

Awaken

2011-09-03T21:54:00.002-04:00

I've been looking back at 2010. I had made goals for 2011. The space between now and the goal is kind of a question mark though. I was never the type to be good at those kind of details! Just dream and hope and you're good to go. But then you look back at 2010 and it looks kinda like 2009. Like the bumper sticker I saw that slapped me upside the face, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." Oh, yeah (if you don't have a comma there, it sounds like Kool-aid man going, "Oh yeah!").

Awaken is my WORD for 2011. I've mentioned this.

And I've been reading this passage from Isaiah 52 like a madwoman:
"Awake, awake, clothe yourself in your strength, O Zion;
clothe yourself in your beautiful garments,
O Jerusalem, the holy city;
For the uncircumcised and the unclean
Will no longer come into you.
Shake yourself from the dust, rise up,
O captive Jerusalem;
Loose yourself from the chains around your neck,
O captive daughter of Zion."

We've written a song with those words in them. I've meditated on them almost everyday. But I am still not sure how God is doing this in my life. I don't see all this amazing evidence right in front of me. And despite trying to teach my kids to obey "all the way, right away, with a happy heart" (thank thee, Ginger Plowman!), my obedience still has a lot to be desired. Maybe that's part of the problem with my kids' obedience??? Hmph.

I am giving my testimony at Celebrate Recovery on Tuesday. It is a funny time to be doing it, because I don't feel this awesome sense of victory right now. It's almost like it will be a testimony on step one: surrender. "We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable." (Romans 7:18-"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.")

Or Principle 1, which is what usually sticks in my head: Realize I’m not God; I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. (Matthew 5:3-“Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.”)

Either way, I hope people go away encouraged rather than discouraged, ha! I'll let y'all know how it goes.

How far will we go with our surrender?

2011-09-01T10:02:00.001-04:00

Discerning the Will of God
by Elisabeth Elliott

The primary condition for learning what God wants of us is putting ourselves wholly at his disposal. It is just here that we are often blocked. We hold certain reservations about how far we are willing to go, what we will or will not do, how much God can have of us or of what we treasure. Then we pray for guidance. It will not work. We must begin by laying it all down--ourselves, our treasures, our destiny. Then we are in a position to think with renewed minds and act with a transformed nature. The withholding of any part of ourselves is the same as saying, "Thy will be done up to a point, mine from there on."

Paul gives four important steps to discerning the will of God:

1. "Offer your very selves to Him,"

2. "Adapt yourselves no longer to the pattern of this present world."

3. "Let your minds be remade."

4. "Your whole nature transformed."

"Then you will be able to discern the will of God" (Rom 12:1,2 NEB).

Copyright © 2011 The Good News Broadcasting Association, Inc. (Back to the Bible) Lincoln, Nebraska, USA Used by permission. All rights reserved http://www.backtothebible.org

Seventy-Sixth Step - Not Counting

2011-08-01T22:55:00.008-04:00

I'm not going to count the steps anymore, I don't think. Just know that I'm taking them. And I'm not going to count how many words this gargantuan post is. But that's not what I mean by "not counting." Last weekend I was amazed by the tremendous love God has for us. This week I am amazed (and flabbergasted, and ashamed...) at the limits of human love. I just haven't thought of it much before. I mean, if our faith only needs to be a mustard seed for God to grow it into great things, I wonder how little love we need to start with? I am realizing, when I'm lucky, the level of my love must be something akin to "good intentions" or "fondness." It just really doesn't cut it. Especially when the going gets tough. I realize much of the time I am gutting it out and gritting my teeth and having a horrible attitude while maybe appearing to "give in" or display outward obeisance. (Is that the same as obedience? It sounds sweeter, like obedience with a humble spirit) We count the cost. God doesn't.

Sooooo as my kids face a challenging sickness, I am brought exceedingly low. I can't fix it; I can't control it. I can juice veggies with garlic, and I can give them respiratory support herbs. But what matters the most is being able to hold them and be present while they are hacking. Even if there is mucus involved on a new clean shirt, which the wearing of is quite the event for me around here. A phenomenon really. We have done the doctor visits, figured out what was going on, done the antibiotics. Now it is a waiting game, us vs. sickness. But I kind of stink at this simple "Mary like" method of just being with them and accepting them even in their sickness. Even if nothing I do can make them better.

Instead of feeling tenderly compassionate, after two weeks of my kids coughing, I find myself being disgusted, like I really shouldn't have to deal with this. I think my soul took a bathroom break or something when God was handing out those natural motherly genes. It is WORK for me to stay present!! Checking out is very tempting, and patting their backs might give the outward appearance of mothering while my heart is elsewhere. I am just ready to be DONE. I know God's love is much bigger than this, and the knowledge shames me.

Since we are in full confession mode, I also have trouble getting up at night. I often take a while to fall asleep, and I avoid waking fully up after I get to sleep. Oh, and plus, I can, um, be selfish and lazy at times. So my DH has become sleep-deprived and frazzled from the baby (now two! Can I still call her THE BABY??) getting up 5x in the night. I help him maybe two of those times, but after I have gone out of "infant mode" and am not nursing, (whispered) sometimes I don't hear her. And sometimes I don't hear my 4 y.o. son. But a lot of the time I do and guiltily listen to DH getting up instead of me. It feels like I can't move, but I know that really I could, that I am nowhere near even the (wimpy) limits of human love.

Jesus. I shake my head when I think of Jesus. He had human flesh to hold him back, all the possibilities of selfish tendencies latent in his body. (My theology could be off here, but bear with me.) Fully human. Never once chose to give in to his "fully human side." I know it's possible, that he said he could have called in legions of angels to save him. But he prayed so hard to obey and take up the cup (a.k.a the cross) that his human body shed blood in the Garden, before he even got to the cross.

As a fellow human (without the divine nature part), I KNOW I ain't ever prayed like THAT.

I obviously don't know exactly what He was praying (wouldn't that be awesome, and holy, and so impossible for us to hear? Or even understand if we did hear?) Somehow he was disciplining his body and making it his slave. He was getting his flesh in line with the Holy Spirit. He was communing with His Father and asking for help, for help only the Father could give at that point. He had reached the end of his humanness, was totally broken, poured out. He had nothing to offer. He had to pour Himself out at the cross, and completely trust in His Heavenly Father.

I think the gospel writer thought that the fact that his disciples could not even pray with Him for one hour was very significant. I think so too. Because when my kids are sick, I can't even watch and pray with them for one hour. My husband pours out his life, takes off his shirt and catches with it the mucus they cough up, lays down with them in between barfing sessions (different sickness), shows such concern for the baby that he leaves her door open and stays on the 2nd floor because he's afraid he won't hear her. Yes, truly, the other night he would not watch a movie with me downstairs because he was afraid he wouldn't hear her.

Lest you think DH is overreacting, this is probably the worst sickness to ever hit our household. It is a new level of sickness we have not seen before. So, yes, he may be a little sleep-deprived and anxiety may be getting the better of him, but he is not holding back, and he is not counting the cost. (Maybe counting the number of times he got up the night before, but not counting it against the kids. And who knows if he is counting it against me, but I kind of deserve it.)

Disclaimer time: Without God's grace and the help of the Holy Spirit, these revelations are, of course, limited to this time and space as I put all this down here. It will take His working to keep hold of this respect and awe at the Christlike manner in which my husband is loving our kids. I mean, I am not a cold block of stone. I do hold them and am sympathetic during the day, but it is easier then. Like if Jesus had asked those three disciples to pray at noon instead of midnight, they probably would have done it, no problem. Sure thing, Jesus! But I need to remember this when it's 2 am and I am cozy and lazy and fleshly. NOT FLESHY, fleshly. (My fleshiness is not limited to 2 am, but it is not up for discussion here anyway.)

Despite all this, I show DH such disrespect with my attitude and words sometimes, and whine about how my needs aren't being met, and generally act like a baby when for the past two weeks he has been trying to meet the needs of our real baby. I do feel starved emotionally, but what a small price to pay when my kids are hacking their brains out. What a small hour to pray. Oh, I pray to welcome baby duty tonight. I pray to reach the limit of myself, so that my Father can fill me up. I pray to be poured out wine instead of worn out whine. Any human love I can give is wholly inadequate for the task. It has to be Him. I definitely count the cost, am fully aware of the minutes I spend trying to be patient and trying to be compassionate. But He didn't even consider it once. ("Consider him, who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you do not grow weary and lose heart." Heb. 12:3) In Luke 14:28, Jesus says to count the cost before you build something. But the point was somehow "anyone who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." We can count the cost as long as we know that it will cost us everything. Or, as Paul puts it, "But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ" (Phil. 3:7)

Bible break:

"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection of the dead." (Phil. 3:8-11)

"For the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith." (Gal. 6:8-10a) (including the ones who are right in front of your face, the chillins)

Just had time to practice what I been preachin'. Baby was up coughing, sent DH back to bed. Victory! Jesus emptied Himself (Phil. 2:7) and was obedient to the point of death (Phil. 2:8). It does feel like a part of me died, not to minimize his death, but like the daily taking-up-the-cross-and-dying-to-self kind of death. It is different to die. Different from being worn out, or at the end of your rope. I can be weary even when I am not doing good, when I have not been faithful. What's it called when you're just weary, not necessarily weary because you've been doing good? I guess it's the kind where you won't reap a proper harvest when you're done. I guess it's the spinning-your-wheels weary, where the things you did will just burn in the fire rather than shine through as gold. I am weary now, for mostly the wrong reasons, but I would rather surrender, not threaten to take my ball and go home when I suffer, and entrust myself to the one who judges justly (1 Pet. 2:13). I am tired of striving, in every area of my life. I would rather die, be conformed to His death, so that I may share in His life (Phil. 2:10-11, summarized).

Just like I don't want to waste a trial and have to learn it again, I don't want my weariness to be for nothing. I don't want my selfishness about our family vacation/cousin's wedding getting cut shorter and possibly getting cut entirely to get in the way of what my kids need. I hope to honor my husband and trust God with it, whatever the outcome, even if it's very disappointing. I hate even saying that, because it's hard to believe I could really accept such an outcome. Jesus himself "knew what was in man," and he knows I am weak and selfish. Can He start with that awful ground, and grow love in such a wasteland? I guess we'll see. OK, she's coughing again. Better go. I won't count that this is the second time I am heading upstairs. Oops, NOW I won't count. Starting now.

New blog I like

2011-04-22T00:41:00.002-04:00

http://thetiethatbindsus.com/parenting/boys/homeschooling-boys-10-friendships/

I've been really hoping to develop some friendships for Charlie (does that sound controlling or what?)...OK, develop some opportunities for Charlie to have mindless, anti-dialogue fun with another energetic boy. Is that better? But she made a point that he IS practicing being a friend, with his sister, Aunt Freida, a favorite babysitter. Friends don't have to just be the same age--isn't that part of the freedom with homeschooling?

There are also links on this post to MANY supposedly-cool homeschool bloggers, but I have not checked them out (thankfully, so I don't have that twinge of blog-world-instead-of-real-world guilt--however, I do have that looked-at-so-much-curriculum-and-did-so-much-research-I'm-convinced-next-year-will-be-so-many-amazing-things-but-I'm-not-done-with-this-year kind of guilt). So I can't vouch for those other blogs, only I have a suspicion they really ARE cool.

See whatcha think!

Seventy-Fifth Step - Asking

2011-04-19T16:16:00.003-04:00

I am going to walk with my awesome activist friend to raise money to help stop child sex trafficking. It's called Traffick Jam--check it out here. Could you give $1 per mile, or $10 (or more) to help these dear young victims of sex abuse and also those who are at risk of being abused? Let me know at bekah@robertandbekah.com or give me a call! Would also love your prayers as I raise money and "train." I figure if I can walk for 8 hours at Disney World, I can do this, right?? And for a much nobler cause.

Classical education vs. Charlotte Mason-style

2011-04-16T11:23:00.005-04:00

I read this post at Simply Charlotte Mason's website (I'll abbreviate SCM) and am evaluating, processing, filling online shopping carts with homeschool books dependent on which direction I decide to go. The Cincinnati homeschool conference was amazing, refreshing, challenging and encouraging (and also exhausting). And now I am left with many ideas and very little processing time. I am very drawn to CM methods, and love how they are gentle, nature and arts-focused, and relaxed. It also scares me with my traditional school background, because what if there are GAPS?

On the SCM forum, I got much encouragement and support to my confused post. They said there are always some gaps, even in public schools (I think maybe even more so there because they do not have the same teacher/school every year!). But instilling a love for learning instead of burning them out on it means they can discover and learn about any "gaps" that matter, that truly interest them, in high school and even as adults. History and grammar study were my main questions--the arts and unique science study and beginning reading stuff were just so exciting to me.

So with history, Charlotte Mason-style does 2 rotations instead of 3 like classical ed. That is one of the main differences with history it seems--more in depth and taking more time the first time around. I wasn't sure about this, because of wanting to COVER MORE and MORE until our brains are fried, haha. But it has been my tendency all year, to slow down, digest, really understand what we are learning. Maybe it's just my style. But it makes figuring out where to go with history next year complicated. Module 1 in SCM starts with ancient history, including Egypt but includes some neat resources we didn't use this year. And it has a recommended biblical history alongside. But we did A LOT on Egypt, Mesopotamia, China this year, and it might seem like overkill to start over? I thought of starting with Module 2 (Greece). SOTW could be read alongside it very easily, which would mean I would stop for the year because we're into Greece now and exactly halfway through the first book.

I've also thought about starting with American history, so she is learning more about the world immediately around her (we can do world focus with Operation World, missionary stories etc.). That isn't until Module 5 in SCM, but they have 2 cool new books out that cover America and the Nations alongside each other, and a study on the Epistles. I'm just too excited with all the good stuff out there.

Here are a couple more articles comparing classical education to Charlotte Mason:

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/charlotte-mason-education/

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/the-classical-side-of-charlotte-mason/

For grammar, I decided to use one book I already have (First Language Lessons by Jessie Wise) and get Writing with Ease by Susan Wise Bauer from a friend. They are both oral, and I want to do more concentrated writing technique than CM recommends. I was always stronger with creative writing/Opinion essays (imagine that!) and feel kind of weak with Grammar. So I want them to have a better base with it. I think I might add in some lessons from this, since they are short and simple.

I know I plan too much in, so I like her challenge to keep lessons to 15 minutes or so, including narration. I will use less of the subjects in Five-in-a-Row (right now we talk about almost all of them, and they love the story, then I see their eyes glaze over when I pull out the book) and keep it short. I'm thinking of how to break the narration down further, so she is not as overwhelmed with summarizing the whole book (often with word-for-word reciting interspersed). Poetry, arts, living books, narration, copywork and nature (and circle time, with guitar music/dancing with scarves, puppets, bean bags, Bible focus, picture books about Jesus/The Bible) have been the best parts of our year, so it is encouraging that all of this is contained in CM methods and philosophy. Well, not "circle time" persay, but the arts/Bible focus of it.

There are some things I had never seen before that SCM recommends. After this year, I wanted to keep a "nature around us" focus with science (we studied bugs and birds so far this year in our Apologia book). Next year the co-op is doing astronomy for her age group, which is very abstract, and about as far away from the world around us as possible. :) But Clare has loved the connections with other kids, and I have liked the lunchtime chats with other moms. But it is crazy, and we are recovering all afternoon, behind in the evening, and even feel "out of touch" with school Tuesday because we haven't had sight of it since the previous Thurs or Fri (sometimes we take Fridays off if we've had a good week). The art class has been wonderful, and science class has helped us both understand the material better. :) We saw a wasps' nest this past week, which we wouldn't see at home (hopefully). I have appreciated having something for Charlie there, but sometimes he is the only boy and it is not as structured. Next year the art class is too late in the day next year for us to attend at that time. So it would just be going for a music class, but if we do a Sun. night home group, they would do choir at church. I'd like to try a Montessori class that meets on Mondays and has a "nature study" session twice a year...can you tell which way I'm leaning?

I thought about trying to find a couple CM-focused people and figuring out a way to get together a couple times a month, maybe for composer/art/dance/nature study. Could be neat, and help fulfill the high need my kids have for interaction with other kids and ease my guilt with how ecstatic they are just to be in public! Haha. I am glad we are home-centered, but now that the spring is springing, we are coming out of hibernation more. The co-op was a good way to make sure we saw others each week, and with a combo of the Montessori class, and maybe organic (naturally happening) CM co-op, we might be OK.

Do you think we'll be OK? Do you think we'll make it? :) I can tell that God is so a part of this, that He just loves that we're homeschooling and trying to honor Him with our kids' education. It is definitely the right fit for us!! I could really talk about this for hours, it is just so interesting to me, and I realized hey, if I blog about it, I may be talking to myself, but it'll feel like I've processed at least!

My next question--does homeschooling feed my book habit??? I *love* homeschool curriculum, and am so so grateful to all the vendors who want to help me integrate Jesus, creation, biblical history and worldview, even theology into our homeschool. We are truly blessed with awesome materials these days!! Now to get "homeschool curric" into our budget...

Seventy-Fourth Step - Walking

2011-03-11T13:39:00.005-05:00

My dear friend here is doing this and I think it's awesome. If I can get my patootey to walk 10 miles, I will join her! (Slowly, surely...) I'm not sure where our local event is taking place, but I'm betting she has the details. So great to find things we can do as mommas (and families), together, to help other people who are 3 feet tall and not our own. I mean, as important as the stuff we do inside the home is, it's just refreshing and energizing to make a difference OUTSIDE it sometimes! It's nice to be a part of the bigger picture, get some perspective, and show this process to our kids.

Great find, AKJ! Go, sister! Do we need to train?? (All the marathoners and triathaloners who read my blog--there are multitudes I'm sure--are cackling now)

Seventy-Third Step - Being Dirt

2011-01-10T20:49:00.002-05:00

Realize I'm not God. I'm dust. But, wait, God became dust. I have been thinking about how God's Word was "written in dust" at Christmas, and how He was here on earth for a time, and then was gone (for a time). Like writing in the dirt--He didn't come with fanfare, didn't keep scrolls on his miracles, just came into a body and that was the writing. Yes, if that sounds like Miss Voskamp's inspiration, you are right. This post has been on my mind.

Jesus wrote in the dirt

Words not on stone

But back to dust

While others wanted blood

He inscribed words for a moment

Until winds blew the breath out of them

His hand lingered over the ground

While stone-cold weapons were found

Were they names? Did he call them out?

Would they ever seek Him once they saw

A portrait of their sin?

His words became dirt

As He had become dirt

In a belly, in a stall

The Word scratched in the dust

The Word etched on every face

Turned down in hatred

Then upturned in surprise

And ultimately, shame in their eyes

Seventy-Second Step - Worlds Colliding

2010-12-29T23:33:00.005-05:00

Have you ever had your life experiences collide all at once, and feel like, "Ohhh, that's so right. This makes so much sense." Like, we're not God, but sometimes God connects the dots for us poor, clueless people? And you see this situation and that one and realize He is putting together your personality, trials, heart, even your struggles into a big lumpy mushy LUMP (looks messy to us, but He doesn't mind getting His hands dirty) but it is going to be something that makes sense sometime (hopefully soon)? Yeah, me neither.

Just kidding! I'm reading Love Mercy by Lisa Samson, and it makes her life experiences (and novels, which really have an obvious agenda without being too overbearing, usually) really make sense for me. I'm hoping that at some point my life will make enough sense to be able to read it in book form and I'll learn a whole lot about what meant what and who was who and what I did good and how I blew it but it all turned out OK in the end.

Maybe God will have a whole delightful room full of scrapbooks of your life, and then a novel (or even trilogy!) that puts it all together for you and narrates what was going on and your whole web of interconnected people that you impacted (or didn't, because of selfishness or laziness or cluelessness). Maybe just nerds like me will be interested in that kind of thing--could you transform it into a sci-fi/fantasy, please? Hmm, my life as a novel would require a little more excitement probably.

I'm not totally sure how God is connecting the dots. I'll fill you in more as more becomes clear. But it feels like a new season is starting. God's released me for more service, from a healing phase to more of a giving phase. God's calling our family to more, to family worship, to being content with our life together, and maybe farm and slowing down. There are scary things involved with that, and resistance to change. But I read a bumper sticker last week that hit me like a bolt of lightning: If nothing changes, nothing changes. Simple, right? But it has gone through my head all week. Including changing my heart. If I don't let him change that, there's no hope for a good novel. It will be a teen drama angst-filled horror story. And I swore those off at least 5 years ago.

p.s. Happy 4th birthday to my schnookie boy!! Can't believe his precious chubby cheeks are still around, even at 4 years (the facial ones). They are still so fun to munch on. Definitely talking about facial ones. Sometimes our kids seem so precious it hurts, like we have to squeeze them to hold onto the moment but we can't and it's gone and it hurts!! Like I know there are so many ways I don't cherish each moment with them and then the guilt comes in and the battle becomes about something else--"I'm a terrible, selfish mom" thoughts. "I need to play more" thoughts. And "How do we go through a whole day and not have focused on what matters?" thoughts. Anyone have those?? This is all too big for a p.s.

Seventy-First Step - Christmas Cheer

2010-12-27T21:36:00.005-05:00

Hey! It's me! And I survived whirlwind trips to Texas and Disney World within 2 weeks of each other. Who agreed to that crazy schedule anyway?? We had a great time at each, and I hope to post more pictures of those and of Chrees-mahss (this is the way we had to pronounce it in our 5th grade Chrees-mahss program. "Where would we be without Chrees-mahss? What kind of world would it be? There'd be no carols to sing, no bells that would ring, not even a Chrees-mahss tree...") I'm serious, those junior high choir songs plague me.

And I have a little secret. Yours truly was Santa Claus in 7th or 8th grade--the memory is kind of fuzzy because it was too traumatic. You see, Mandy Clarke was the darling of our grade in terms of singing. And so she had the lead part that year. Of course, I was Santa Claus, and had a two-line solo in a song. It went, "Gather round my little friends and hear what I've to say. It's time to wrap the presents and load them on the sleigh." Complete with stuffing, beard etc. Well, I will now mark the 3 times (at minimum) that my voice cracked while singing said solo with an asterisk (I get the nerves, people!), "Gather *round my* little *friends and* hear what I've to say. It's time to wrap the *presents* and *load them* on the sleigh." OK maybe it was four times. Very traumatic stuff, and I'm only telling you because I've just recently healed from it and my counselor said I should practice talking about it. Bring it to light and all that (well, I'm not currently seeing a counselor, but I definitely could be).

We had a wonderful visit with my brother and sister-in-love and their lovie baby Linna. It was awesome to meet her finally, at 3 months, and meant a lot that they traveled here from Utah. She was a sweetie. And the Linna deck of cards and Linna apron were a hit with the babymoon parents (the apron said, "Just follow your heart. It's what I do." Ahh, I love Napoleon!!) We got sick toward the end of their visit, at least my baby and my husband, and now the rest of us have some coughing and such going on. The baby has a double ear infection and the doc gave us a breathing machine today for her wheezing. I hope it helps--she sounds pretty buh-had. I started feelin' it yesterday and Charlie started today, so it has officially made the rounds. There are body aches as well, and we stayed home Saturday instead of going to Grandma and Grandpa's and spreading the love. We did have a cozy, relaxing, if loserish and kind of meager on the food end of things (mac and cheese for the rest of the fam), Christmas.

Oh, there is a giveaway here that you might want to check out--for a $100 Mastercard gift card. So if you overdid it at Christmas (ahem), this could help you pay your electric bill or some other practical thing that you overlooked in your holiday zeal.

Hope you and yours had a lovely Chrees-mahss! (Where would we be without it??)

Seventieth Step - I win!

2010-10-19T14:34:00.004-04:00

Well, no entries to my contest yesterday means...I WIN! Yahoo! It means my favorite contest entry for the name of our future farm is my own: Stoney Hill Farm. And that's its name. Don't wear it out.

I'll have to post a picture of Robert in our official farm hat. That is, when I see him again, and he's not 1) raking leaves 2) chopping or picking up loads of wood from his family's farm 3) working hard to provide for our family 4) wrestling with the kids, who all seem to be learning the art of the pile-on (even the baby) or 5) asleep on the couch with his mouth wide open and head tilted back at that strange neck-defying angle. Has anyone seem him lately?? Maybe I've lost him. :) We did rake some leaves today, to hopefully let the grass dry out a bit after the rain yesterday. And let Daddy spend some time with us tonight, until I leave for church anyway!

OK, I am going to tell you how homeschooling went today so far. Kaput. We read a total of 3 books, 2 pumpkin ones and one called The Patchwork Quilt (to go with The Rag Coat Five-in-a-Row story we read last week). Oh, make that four because we read an Egypt one that is due at the library tomorrow. We did manage to read our Bible and have poetry memorization, and change our calendar to the proper day and date. Maybe we will continue after rest time, which usually involves only two children sleeping now (and one just wishing she didn't have to rest), and one mommy collapsed on her bed with delicious bare feet in cool sheets.

Better go there now, before I lose my chance.

Sixty-Ninth Step--Dream On

2010-10-18T15:00:00.007-04:00

Dream on, dream away, I think you're gonna have to stay, stay forever...yes, that's an, I don't know, Boyz2Men song from the 80s? (OK, I looked it up--it's Color Me Badd, "I adore mi amor," lest not knowing drive you crazy) I hope it's not true though--we're hoping to be on our way soon. In faith we are trying to act like we're moving any day now, but we still have some um, huge things to wrap up, like, um, fixing up and selling our house. Rates are so low, we may be able to swing the house and land that we are in love with, if we sell our current abode. I know that is a big IF these days, but God would have to provide people to buy it who are just like us. Some fellow Sagarites, not in name, but in heart.

Lord, please send us a young (Christian) couple who wants a house with tons of character, all-wood floors, suh-weet landscape with unique specimens, hand-built rock wall, shady haven of a backyard with patio, lots of storage space, 1700 square feet of sturdy, square, well-built house-age. And did I mention the woodburner? :) Just leave a comment if you want to buy this place, or contribute man (or woman) hours to redoing a certain mint-green bathroom...

p.s. At the fair this weekend, we got a hat and a blog with our farm name on it. So we're officially farmers, right? Can I ha' yo number??? Maybe I'll have a contest to see if y'all can guess the farm's name. And my 3 sweet friends who read this blog can enter, ha! You'll win a...trip to see the land and dream with me. :) Leave any guesses in the comments, and maybe I'll think of a better prize. And I'll award the person with my favorite name, because I KNOW nobody ain't gonna guess THIS name.

Sixty-Eighth Step - Yard sale etc.

2010-09-14T00:29:00.005-04:00

Yard sales are such a strange phenomenon. It's like we are reverting back to elementary school, deciding to "play store" with the whole neighborhood. Come and see our little store, everyone, except instead of joyfully giving us play money you are haggling over 50 cents. C'mon people, we're sitting out here all day! We should be getting a little tip or something, not a constant questioning of what we think our junk is worth. :) I kept thinking, "What do these people WANT if they can't find it here? This is such great stuff! If I went to this yard sale, I would think it was the best one I've ever been to!" I know it's nothing personal, but I don't see how people could resist all the yard sale goodness we had goin' on (those ones who do a quick walk-through and leave, with or without saying goodbye/thanks). I cried each time, and screamed after them, "Didn't you see the maternity clothes? You're pregnant, you know!"

Now, of course, I did pick out (most) of this stuff in the first place for some reason or another, so it would be a buyer's paradise for me, if I were in the yard sale mindset of things that I "could use." But alas, I am in the mindset of "What's really happened in the last 7 years? Have I gone rollerblading?" And of course, the answer is no. So off "the blades" go into the sale, to be coveted only by a 9-year-old boy whose pleas were ignored by Mom. My poor forsaken rollerblades, not even wanted at the rock-bottom price of $7.50 (these are Roces, people! $279 new, I just googled and am shocked because an ex gave them to me in high school and I didn't know they were *so* expensive, but slightly too small for me anyway after having babies, because, you know, babies give stretch your feet, it all makes perfect sense). DH says I can get rollerblades if I ever decide to take up rollerblading again--pshah, like that will ever make the top of the list in the future. $279 on rollerblades, or groceries? "Sorry, baby, no dinner for you--Mommy needed new rollerblades..."

Another delusion I had to give up was that we would be an ice-cream-making family. It would be idyllic, and sweetened with fruit, and creative, dairy-free ice cream with almond milk would bring us all together. Sigh. No one bought that kitchen gadget, so now there's the temptation to snatch it back and revive the dream. Must. donate. soon. My dream of constant houseguests, opening our home to those in need, or family, or friends visiting, is also gone. Gone up in smoke, along with our lovely guest bed (guest room finally gave way to a playroom), a steal at $25. Someone said they just spent $160 on a full bed, not even new. There you have it, people--no one can say we were hoodwinking them at OUR sale. This bed was bought, unlike my grandma's dining room table, and loaded up by us. We even *delivered* a picket fence to someone, no delivery charge (and again, sadly, no tip). I kept praying for God to release my heart from this stuff, and the twinge when I thought of my kids playing with a certain toy, or wearing a certain outfit, or hugging a certain bear, grew smaller each hour. The more I looked at our yard, the more confident I was that we really didn't need this stuff. And the more confident I was that I would not want to do this again, as confident as the last time I said that. It was too emotional ("Are they going to buy that? Are they not? I hope they do, but they don't know the STORY behind that! Give me that back!"), and talking to people 2 days straight was exhausting. It was fun to have so many people come over, but I wanted Mom to call me in for dinner and say it was time to stop playing.

It was worth our time (money-wise, we made a respectable, not phenomenal, amount), except some would say staying up until 2 the night before and ignoring our kids for 2 days was a big price to pay (Actually, the kids did really well--next time they are stir-crazy, I will just put a blanket out on the lawn and dump a bunch of toys on it and tell them this is the last time they'll get to play with them. It worked great). It is a weird feeling, sitting there, feeling like, "Shouldn't I be DOING something? Oh yeah, I'm running my *store*. Phew. I can sit and enjoy the day, until I need to arrange the kids' clothes again." Truly it was weird though, to sit with DH and goof off all day. I eventually got the pears from MM's tree and started peeling them, which was tricky when it came time to receive money and get change from my pocket (after the cursory dollar or more off of each item was tallied). No takers on the nativity scene--where is your Christmas spirit, Newarkians? I thought that was a sure thang! I learned after accepting $2, $6, $3.75 from people that things can add up pretty quickly--and if I just spent less, I would make as much money as a yard sale pretty durn quick. Because, you know, each item was bought for like 1/4th to 1/20th of what we paid for it, depending on the miserliness of the buyer and the condition of the precious treasure he/she found on our lawn.

We borrowed tables from a certain unnamed compound, and they were suh-weet. Really, the whole thing was a thousand times better than the really pathetic one we had in the spring, on a day it was pouring down rain and we had our porch stuffed to the gills and clothes spread out on the living room floor. I didn't like strange people coming into our house all day, and told myself and my husband and anyone who would listen that I would never do that again. But we had to make one more attempt of course, this fall, before *really* getting rid of everything we didn't sell. Inviting them into our backyard was much more fun, and it only rained about an hour after the sale was over, giving us enough time to race everything left back into the garage before it truly started.

We *are* keeping a few items to try to sell other ways. Motorcycle helmet ($40), sit-n-stand double stroller ($75), Fujica camera (I dunno), victrola (too much for anyone who must only get functional items for their family), and now that I looked up those rollerblades, I'll try Craig's list or e-bay for those. Also have a new Bluetooth for $20. ANY TAKERS? I'll take a dollar off if you're extra nice.

Sixty-Seventh Step - Field trip and P.E. Park Club

2010-09-08T16:32:00.004-04:00

Wow, there is so much freedom as a homeschooling mom. Sometimes I'll have to rein it in a little! Yesterday we did a field trip to the zoo, and learned more about animals informally, but also talked about animals with backbones some more (there aren't too many without backbones there, actually--even snakes have them! Didn't realize this until I started taking Kindergarten again, for the 2nd time). :) Nana came and had a good time with the kids I think, even though I was kind of crabby. It didn't start raining until we were about 100 yards from the van (well, actually, it started while we were in the gift shop, but there was a brief reprieve). We saw lions, a tiger, and a bear. Oh my, traffic on the way home wasn't bad at all, even though we left at 5 and had to take 270!!

I can't wait until Clare can read the signs at the zoo (and, you know, books and stuff), and understand more of her science book. I think some of the concepts are a little too complex right now, but we'll keep on keeping on with what we can understand. I say "we," because I was looking at a couple experiments that show how flight, air pressure, lift, drag work, and I was like, "Um, I'm not sure I totally get this, and I don't think I can explain it to a 5-year-old!" Ah well. I'll probably only do the actual book a couple times a week, depending on how fast the coop is moving.

We had P.E. Park Club today, our first one, and I think it will be really neat! A great chance to see other kids, and other MOMS! Yeah! I am going to teach a soccer session in November--hopefully it will be nice enough to be outside. I am a bit leery of doing soccer inside a church sanctuary--something is bound to get broken! Especially with my massive soccer skills--I just can't control the power. Can't stop it.

It was WINDY though, and my face and ears are kind of raw. Did NOT bring winter hats--is it time to change out clothes again ALREADY?? Yikes-a-daisy. Oh my, where did I get that term? Did I pick it up from my husband, the Ahia boy? Anybody else say it? Please??

Come by our YARD SALE, this Friday and Saturday, 9a-4p. We have lots of goods! Discarded, unwanted, but really good goods!! (They didn't make the cut in our house, but maybe you have lower standards! Isn't that what a yard sale is, ultimately?) Just kidding. I mean, we have "different seasons," and "different tastes," and "babyproofing and this is impractical," and "we have absolutely no space for this after 3 kids and wow that was nice when we were newly married but now everything must be purely functional or it gets the boot" times in our lives. And this is one of them. Oh yes, 1500-square-foot house, this is one of them.

Sixty-Sixth Step - Be an Auntie Again

2010-09-05T21:54:00.004-04:00

Had a nice talk with my sister-in-law (the Utah one) yesterday--she is due any day now! She and my brother are excited to finally see "chickpea," and know that she is a girl but are waiting to share her name until afterward. Well, actually, they are waiting until they meet her to decide between 4 or 5 names. Michael said they might say each one and see if she responds, which I didn't have the heart to tell him that he's not gonna get a response from her for at least 2 or 3 weeks...and even then she might just have gas. But whatever works, if it helps them choose, then more power to them. Maybe she really will like the sound of one. I can't wait to hear her name for the first time! I only heard a really early list of names, and I'm sure it's changed a lot since then.

I gave Karin the labor pep talk ("Remember, they work for you"), and some of my special tips and mysterious secrets. Haha. I can't wait until I can be involved somehow in the birth world! Alas, this is not the season to be running off for 10 hours any time of the day or night. Sounds heavenly though, ha! I told Karin about my mantra (revelation) about the uterus and pain that really helped me with Charlie, which I won't go into here I suppose. They have a doula, so that is really good since they want to go for a natural birth.

We'll get to meet Chickpea in December, Lord willing and the creek don't rise. I can't wait! The kids only have one other cousin, so I'm excited for them to meet their new one. Too bad she will live so far away!

We went to Bluegrass, BBQ and Boom tonight at our arboretum, and it was a nice time. Abri introduced herself to everyone in the vicinity, and cruised around their legs. Ah, to be one again and have no inhibitions. I guess that won't happen again until I'm 90 or so. She sure was a friendly little thing. And then she had to be facing the other way with her head on Daddy's shoulder and his hand over her ear once the fireworks started. It was neat with the orchestra, but the music ended a little early and the finale was done during silence, which was different. And we didn't get a really good clap in for the orchestra. Ah well. I'm sure they are still crying!!

Well, have some things to get together downstairs. Still working on a sewing project for the new mommy, and "nesting" with my homeschool spaces, seeing what works. I got out THE LAMINATOR so I guess it's official now. I'm, like, a teacher of my children.

Sixty-Fifth Step - Stop Homeschooling

2010-09-03T15:55:00.005-04:00

Don't have a heart attack--I just mean stop for the weekend. :) It really did feel weird not having school today! Kind of a relief, but I was like, "Maybe we can just read a story or something?" What we did do is get Abri's 1-year pics at Sears. She did a great job smiling too! I was nervous that she wouldn't sit still long enough to get snapped, but I think we got some good ones. Then we played in THE JUNGLE with our friend the E-man. Abriana went up the big tree slide all by herself! Not down it, though, thankfully. She slid down on her belly backward (with me there) and said "eeee!" (wheee). We also went to the arcade and rode the carousel and won some sweet prizes. And MM caught a delicious bass.

KIDS SHOES were ON SALE at Sears for 0.99/pair! I was floored--I am *never* in the right place at the right time like that. So Clare's shoes for next summer are all set, and so are the baby's. :) Baby got some light-up princess tennies too, since used tennies aren't my favorite thing. Well, boys' used tennies mainly. Somehow little girls' feet smell better?? Anybody second that?!? Well, they are sugar and spice and everything nice...

I am pondering much about homeschool styles and philosophies. I can't wait until we discover our "learning style" and become those "lifestyle learners" that sound so neat. I can't wait to be able to say, "Well, what's worked for us is..." and I know that may change for different kids, but to at least have some idea. All I know is that after 3 days of concentrated "school" effort, Charlie can say, "C stands for in cat!" and "D stands for in dog!" with a big smile on his face. And Clare can say "C'est l'heure de s'habiller!" (it's time to get dressed). And the time together has been really neat. A friend was saying she does better with more structured time with her kids, and I think I am that way too. It is hard to be gentle and patient in the middle of chaos. And I realized this week, our space being neat, clutter-free and organized makes a big difference with being able to "do school" and focus. By Thursday some things had congregated in the living room with us, such as two tents and two sleeping bags and some upstairs/basement toys, and I felt like the walls were closing in on us...it was a good learning experience. And I didn't scream like I was in a horror movie.

Anybody else not like both kids leaning on them at once? Even one sometimes is too much--it's hard enough to hold my own body up with my core the way it is!! "You're young and strong, children--sit up tall!" Cuddling can be nice, but I have to be in the mood. And have done t-tapp that morning so my core is sufficiently awake. T-tapp hasn't been done since I was sick a week ago, and my back is hurting! This is why the plan is to get up at 6, and get 'er done. Hear that? Up at 6, get 'er done.

Sixty-Fourth Step - Start Homeschooling

2010-08-31T15:43:00.007-04:00

Wow, we made it through our first day. I have been nervous leading up to this, which seemed silly, but it was a feeling I couldn't just shake by rationalizing it away. Like telling myself, "It's just kindergarten, just relax." Or "You can add things in along the way, or tweak things, or decide that doing Latin is too much..." (Yes, Latin hit a shelf on the "do later" bookshelf. I figured I shouldn't be teaching her weird Latin phonics until she gets English phonics).

Here's how the day went. All the girls slept until 8:30 or so (weird!). I had some breakfast in the office, but then finished it downstairs as I nursed baby because I couldn't wait to see everyone's reaction to the clean, picked-up, organized school spaces downstairs. It really looked pretty sweet. I had been sick for four days, of course unexpectedly, but it was right in the middle of several projects. Making a nursing cover for my sister-in-law, rearranging the downstairs, putting in bookshelves and Montessori-like reading spaces, deciding VHS tapes don't need to be in the living room when our VCR is broken, etc. It was torture to be DOWN for 4 days and looking at all this stuff to do! So last night I tackled it, since I am eating more solid foods again now and have a little energy.

After straightening (and, unfortunately, barking at DH to carry some things down to the basement, who was only trying to go to bed), until 12:30 a.m. (DH went to bed at 11--I'm not that cruel), projects had been finished and papers cleared and everything had a place in some cute basket or new bin. The *only* thing with clutter/papers on it (OK, and under it) was, sigh, my desk. We have a new, super cool, sleek desk with matching filing cabinet to match our new bookshelves though--think that will help??? Repeat after me, "I am a vertical filer, not a horizontal one, I am a vertical filer..." The desk isn't put together yet, but will be SOON. Because the other desk is going in the garage sale.

Anyway, Clarissa did say thank you for everything looking so nice downstairs for Sagar School. DH brought up the easel for me, so this was a source of excitement, since it hadn't been seen for a while because of babyproofing (so yes, baby has now eaten chalk, and turned her rice cake blue). I wrote a welcome sign on it, and we took everyone's picture by it, and baby was, of course, crying. Then after the kids had breakfast and got dressed, we attempted another picture. Baby was crying in that one too. She is getting some molars, although that's not the right word, probably bicuspids or something. And another tooth next to her front big teeth. But I hoped it wasn't a foreshadowing of our homeschooling days to come...

I did get a roast in the oven and cleaned the kitchen before we started, hoodledeedoo! We started out with a short Bible story, because at this point it was 10:30. Then I prayed for us, and we did the "100 days of school" chart I had printed out that morning (thanks for the idea, JS and MLL). Charlie was sad he didn't get to write a number, so I will have him do the tallymark one I just printed out now, since he doesn't know how to write numbers anyway, except 1, and 5 somewhat.

Then I was trying to read our Five-in-a-Row book, Storm in the Night. It's a good book, about a sweet relationship between grandfather and grandson, who are talking about being afraid during a thunderstorm. Baby is literally crying and kids are having a hard time hearing. I am holding her, not sure what she wants, and finally I took her into the kitchen and told her this behavior was unacceptable and we weren't going to be able to do school if she is acting this way. I think that was really effective (pshah--of course it wasn't the water and rice cake I got her), because we were able to get through the book and talk about it a bit (the "social studies" section of FIAR). The concepts were a bit abstract or open-ended, and I pretty much gave the answers after Clare said, "Um, I don't know what you mean." Ah well, no biggie.

I feel caught between the "narration" idea of Charlotte Mason, classical education's "don't ask them to analyze too much while in Grammar stage" and traditional school's "reflection" questions (which Five-in-a-Row seems to gravitate toward, but with more subjects and practical applications). I don't know, I'm new. We need to find a groove that works for us, because they got kind of tired of it. I think only one subject area at a time with FIAR is good for us, keeping it short. And maybe some narration where I write it down, and she can copy it later. But I'm not sure if they can narrate a whole picture book, or if it's just supposed to be a paragraph, or if that's only in a history living book, or what Charlotte Mason really means. Charlotte? Can you hear me??

Then we read some of Story of the World, after I helped the baby with something and Charlie went off to play with his helicopter. It doesn't seem like these lessons will be very long, both because my throat is sore from reading (need to keep a *huge* waterbottle with me!) and they can't really last more than 2 or 3 pages. We all had snack at the table and I read Apologia science at the table, and part of Bennie's Animals (a storybook about animal classification). I decided we should take a walk after snack and see the real world.

We did a very "homeschooling" thing on our walk--looked for animals with backbones. And by default, talked about animals without backbones too. We saw a dog, cat, and bird with backbones, and a butterfly without. Clearly not many animals out and about at noon on a 90-degree day. They were smarter than us!

When we got back, I started them on math workbooks and helped intermittently as I started lunch. Yelling out, "Does it have 6 squares? Then circle it!" from the kitchen worked pretty well. Charlie is good with numbers, makes me feel like we can click somehows (him not being a "word" person like me and Clare). At least until he gets to about 4th grade, if I'm lucky.

I love science though, I hope we can manage to make it not too boring. We'll see about this Apologia textbook business, since it is making things a bit dry for my taste. Science can be the most exciting subject ever!! I was thinking of ideas for the coop class I'm helping with; we'll see.

It gets a little fuzzy here...I did some playdough forms (cube/cylinder/cone etc.). I say etcetera because I do not know the term for the rectangular one. And I say "one" because I do not remember what the 3D term is for all those. So maybe I won't make it to 4th grade math after all. Then we tried some dominoes, but they were kind of fried at that point and just playing with them. Baby was getting into playdough and dominoes, so I left them with it all and put the baby down while the noodles were boiling. Very risky if she took a while to get to sleep, which she didn't, thankfully.

During lunch we read the Health, Safety and Manners workbook, and I measured them (one of the activities). Clare had grown 3 inches in a year, and Charlie grew 3.5! Charlie grew an inch in the past 5 months, actually. She's 45 and he's 40 inches. I thought they were closer in height now, but they are growing pretty much the same rate, obviously. The more they grow, the more Disney rides they can go on! (I don't really know if they measure there or not, actually, seems kind of anti-dreams-come-true).

OK, after cleaning up lunch we read a page in this cute French book from interlibrary loan Play and Learn French (CD included). I am very impressed with my French accent after all these years, but even more impressed with Clare's new one! I videotaped a bit of it because it is so cute. She would get mixed up sometimes and go "je ve de le muh muh muh" or something that sounded very French but not right and it was so funny.

Last thing, finally: Ordinary Parent's Guide to Teaching Reading, aka phonics. We recorded this vowel rhyme on tape, and will continue to record I think because it's nice to have and also for her to listen to. The other thing I want to do is a video log of the poems she has memorized (maybe once a month or less). I'll probably record on tape more consistently too, for the cute and listening factor. I need to order that poetry memorization book (Linguistic Development and Poetry Memorization) from Amazon today. So we also don't have our calendar/weather chart etc. But we had plenty to do--with the walk and lunch and snacks in there, we weren't done until 3!

They both just fell into bed afterward and so did I. Baby slept another hour, thankfully. And is happily spreading her rice cake crumbs all over the office, now called "the playroom." We're having a garage sale this weekend, so need to see about an ad for that. Ordered protein powder, and about to do the Amazon order. Keeping up with regular life will be the hard part! Like the roast in the oven...

So far, I think spending more time together will be awesome. I think when the kids are happy, I tend to "leave them be" too long. So this will really create good time together pretty naturally. I can't imagine sending her to a stranger for 4 hours a day! I'm very thankful to be able to do this!! But wow, it took a lot of energy and brainpower for this tired mama. :)

Sixty-Third Step - Packing for Albuquerque

2010-05-12T21:32:00.004-04:00

I have a lot of lists and things in my head, but no suitcase has an ounce of clothing in it. Little piles are sprouting. A little excitement is growing. But I have not traveled yet since detox, at least a *real trip*. So I am bringing a lot of food with me. I entered a contest to win a cooler (the resort box cooler, Amy!) but I don't think it will be here in time for my trip. :) You know, because I'm destined to win!!

There has been so much going on here, mostly in terms of funny quotes by my kids. Their new names are Ducky, Birdy and Chickie, by the way. Oh, and Charlie also goes by Noxy the Foxy. Daddy is Turkey, which is true. I'm Goosy. Does that mean I'm loosy!?

Milestones:
-Chicky (Abri) is still scooting on her belly, but she has "crawled" a couple times without really realizing it. She is pulling up on everything and giving me lots of heart attacks. Her feet either slip out from under her and she lands on her behind then head, or her feet are too far out so she will hit her face, or today she was clinging to Ducky's bed and then fell back and hit Charlie's bed and then the wood floor. I think I need a baby helmet. She will be the first child I put a leash on, probably.
-Birdy (Charlie) has already grown out of some underwear. Ducky's little buns can still fit into her originals, but I upgraded her anyway.
-Ducky is almost done with Thursday school. Yes, folks, she "graduates" tomorrow night. She is such a good little singer; I know she will steal our hearts again for the first time. I am still debating about Birdy's participation in it next year--right now it's looking like "no" so that I can have 3 straight days at home for my new job as a homeschool teacher. Now the house will really be in trouble!!

OK, better get back to work. I have a lot to do still. I have a lot. To do. Still.

Sixty-Second Step - nursing schmursing

2010-04-01T16:07:00.003-04:00

Ah, spring is springing and I'm beginning to remember a phenomenon that is never pleasant. Nursing a baby in the summer. Imagine sweating from various pores you don't want others to notice, then uncovering said pores and smashing a hot baby up against you for 20 minutes or so. In addition to the smushed, sweaty side of the baby's face, your elbow pit is sweating, your chest, your belly, etc. etc. Your body just never recovers. It starts a sweat chain, and you cannot cool off. You are hot until you get to the shower the next morning, because every 3 hours or so you get a reminder about why you are so hot, and the cycle starts again. Add any cooking, cleaning, picking up toys, playing outside to the mix, and it is a hopeless case. The Pioneer Woman put it well when she said, "It’s just that the emotions of breastfeeding run so, so deep. It can be simultaneously wonderful and suffocating. Beautiful and challenging. Miraculous and stifling." And I would add cozy and claustrophic to that list. Nursing in the summer. Not my friend.

Sixty-First Step - Update

2010-03-31T23:03:00.003-04:00

(Lookie lookie, the next day was better...)

BUT WE WERE STILL LATE TO THURSDAY SCHOOL. Only 4 minutes this time.

Sixtieth Step - Living in the Argh

2010-03-24T15:44:00.005-04:00

OK, one thing I have learned from counseling is that I tend to disassociate when I am anxious. What this means to YOU is that if I am stressed or overstimulated I might get a glazed look in my eye and not be able to follow what you are saying, even as I am pathetically trying to. What this means to ME is just another confirmation that I am socially awkward, ha! Just as my shyness could be interpreted as snobbiness, let's just say this form of craziness can be interpreted as standoffishness at worst, or spaciness at best. What does disassociation look like?

OK, today. Today I am checking out. Avoiding my kids. Not feeling like I'm in my body, because I don't want to be in my life today. House is in its usual state of "everwhere you look, there's something to do." Belly is still big and hanging there. Baby is having trouble sleeping today, even though she slept over 3 years yesterday for Aunt FrieDee. Humph. And children's puzzles, games, antics (like fighting with hangers pretending they are in Peter Pan) are not very amusing to me today. Today I am giving grumpy answers. Today I am reading too many blogs as I catch up from not reading any at all. Today I am tired of my education going to waste. Today I want to sew, write, read, ride my bike, play piano--BY MYSELF. Today I am avoiding even THINKING about what to cook for dinner because we are out of meat again. OK, any meat that I want to cook anyway. I'm not cooking a whole turkey today, even though there is one in my freezer!! Well, and it wouldn't be done today either.

My mom used to sing the song:
"Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries; I'll drink your sweet wine
And a million tomorrows will all pass away
'Ere I forget the joy that is mine today"

Tomorrow I might look at these feelings and think, "Those were just feelings. Today is different." But I admit, I do want joy TODAY. And if joy is a fruit of the spirit, is there enough time for it to grow today? It's already 4 pm.

I think we moms do this blogging because we want to make sense out of life, put some more meaning into the mundane things we do everyday. Or find the meaning in them, anyway. I think CHECKING IN here right now is helping to bring me back from CHECKING OUT--feel your feet, Bekah. Is there a life-or-death crisis going on right now? I am learning my ramped-up nervous system is often in fight-or-flight response. Anxiety is almost never real. Am I dangling off a cliff by my toenails? No. Am I, or any family members, in immediate danger of death, that I know of? No, but it's kind of quiet down there. Is the baby still blabbing and fussing instead of sleeping? Yes. Will it kill me? It feels like it, but no. It feels like things are really bad, but they are OK. It feels like when I was alone growing up, but it is not the same. Feels the same, not the same. I have my own family now.

So let's not tell lies today. Let's tell ourselves that it will be OK. That it, in fact, is OK. Maybe tomorrow it will feel like it.

Fifty-Ninth Step - Don't talk

2010-02-04T21:26:00.006-05:00

You know when you open your mouth because you want someone to feel listened to, heard, understood, but then it just comes out as a pile of words spewing forth? And words pile up between you, and you want to stop but they just keep piling up and making it worse? You can hear yourself and it's not quite right, not really what you want to be saying, but you can't take it back and you feel like you can't "talk out of it." You are nervously jabbering and can't shut up and don't know why.

And the real issue is you wanted that person to know that they are not crazy, that their feelings are worthwhile, that they are not alone, that it is okay to feel this way. Really you're just wanting them to feel like they're OK, and understood. You want to be able to relate, because it feels like the only way to really be with them. But you have made it about you. Your "trying to relate," so they feel okay, has made it about you. And your experience is not the same, and even though you weren't meaning to make it the same, it seems that way.

Really you want them to know what they are feeling is okay. You want to be there for them, but aren't sure how. You want to not be worried about doing the wrong thing but be able to just be, and let the other person just be, and be with the other person. But you are not making it that simple. You want to say, "I see you" (yes, avatar reference) and "I hear you," but instead you end up saying too much and looking at yourself and your experience instead of just hearing theirs. You're sad at your friendship ineptitude, and at any hurt you've caused. Now if I replace all the "you's" with "I's," then I will be being honest.

Fifty-Eighth Step

2010-01-25T11:40:00.006-05:00

About sugar detox, from essortment.com. Haha, I have had all of these symptoms, which would be interesting if I wasn't getting a little tired of it:

"Many people choose to detox from sugar in order to achieve optimal good health. Refined sugars cause the body to become sluggish and unhealthy when eaten in generous quantities. Obesity is often caused by sugars. Many food items contain sugar or starches that turn to sugars once eaten. These foods aren't often considered sweets or desserts, yet they have a high sugar content just the same. It is often these foods in particular that are most missed when detoxing from sugar.

Considerations

One of the more common symptoms of sugar detox is headaches. As the body discards these toxins and moves them toward elimination, it also feels a letdown of sorts, which results in a headache. From mild to severe, the headache pain varies from person to person. Keep the body hydrated when detoxing to help eliminate the toxins faster and alleviating the headache pain as well. If the headaches occur for more than three straight days, a call to your doctor is advised.

Considerations

Lethargy is another sugar detox symptom. This symptom typically occurs in the day or days following the headache phase. Since sugar can act as a stimulant, it will react to a decrease of that stimulant with a slower heart rate. This will register in the mind and body as a lack of energy. This phase can last up to 10 days.

Considerations

A body that is detoxing from sugar may incur the symptom of skin rashes. Much in the way that the heart rate reacts by slowing down once the toxin level has decreased, so does the skin react similarly. When the amount of sugar in the system has decreased significantly, it is actually throwing out poisons, some of which are eliminated through skin cells. After this happens, the skin starts to "come alive" and become an active part of the detox process. This discarding of toxins in conjunction with the new skin activity may cause itching or a rash. These symptoms usually last only a few days. Once again, hydration is imperative.

Considerations

People who don't typically suffer from colds may find they get one when detoxing from sugar. This is one of the body's natural ways of eliminating some of the last of the toxins in your body. While the cold may temporarily be a detriment, it will ultimately aid in the return to optimal health.

Benefits

While these sugar detox symptoms aren't particularly pleasant, they are small sacrifices to make in light of the bigger picture. Once the toxins have left the body, the sluggish feeling will give way to new energy. The skin will become healthy and more radiant, and the mind will be clearer and far more able to function."

In case anyone is still reading and wants to keep hearing my detox rantings, I've experienced all of the following too (except boils), from healthynewage.com (not a site I'd particularly recommend). It's crazy to me how much sugar had been "involved" in my system, shown by the severity of detoxing from it--why do I feel like I have the flu? It's "just sugar." The insomnia has been particularly annoying, like my brain is itching. The baby had a skin rash too, and now has diaper rash. Clarissa was nice enough to inform me about the bad breath:

"Detox symptoms can include skin rashes or eruptions, headaches, bad breath (sometimes, very bad breath!), unusual body odors, dizziness, nausea, feelings of fatigue or even slight depression, gas, diarrhea, colds, ear infection, insomnia, boils, itching, etc. You can experience temporary periods of confusion, and lack of appetite. You may be very thirsty at times. Why is this a good thing? Well, assuming the detox doesn't happen faster than the overall system can handle it, the symptoms indicate that the immune system is working properly, that toxins are being eliminated and that the body is working toward balance again. Usually, a healing crisis should last no more than three days."

A last note--I'll say it again, don't try this at home, folks. You really can't do it alone--you need support, a well-thought out plan and some healing under your belt before you attempt a detox. Studies show it can be harder to get off sugar than cocaine (but I personally have no way to compare). And I'm not just talking about white sugar or high fructose corn syrup, but bread, fruit juice, dried fruit, tortillas, baked goods, honey, etc. It all gets broken down into the same thing: sugar. Some people can handle it in moderation, but I am sugar sensitive (check out the Radiant Recovery website) and my brain gets a hit similar to morphine or heroin. Even a little sugar makes me want more more more, so just trying to limit it hasn't worked for me in the past. Much like an alcoholic can't have " just one drink." It has taken me a while to accept that this is just the way my body is, unless God supernaturally heals me. For now He is healing me through what my Radiant Recovery friends call "doing the food." :)

Fifty-Seventh Step

2010-01-24T23:28:00.010-05:00

Drum roll...After two years of adding in good, good foods and a steady diet of them, I am finally detoxing from sugar. If you are out there reading this and think, "I want to stop sugar," don't do it. Read Potatoes not Prozac or The Sugar Addict's Total Recovery Program by Kathleen DesMaisons. Go to www.radiantrecovery.com and start with breakfast. Believe me, if you try to go cold turkey, you will be miserable and just end up bingeing in a couple weeks. So give yourself the gift of a tried-and-true program that takes into account all aspects of what's going on in your brain and body each time you turn to sugar. And definitely ask me more about it!

I've already seen some progress after doing the first 5 steps of the program leading up to detox, but taking sugars out and the subsequent six months is where the most visible healing takes place. Goals of all this do not involve a masochistic restriction mentality, but a desire for real, natural, long-term healing without the side effects of medication. Here are some of my goals:

1. getting out of the pit of low-grade depression
2. having more energy for life
3. enjoying life free from addiction
4. not basing my days and social times on how I will get my sugar fix
5. reducing chronic body pain, inflammation, fatigue
6. eventually losing some weight so I can look and feel healthier
7. more patience with my family and more stable mood
8. winning battles with yeast overgrowth, hormone imbalances, and insulin resistance
9. not having anything be my master except Jesus Christ.

I really thank God for leading me to this program and giving me the faith to keep going even when it was hard to believe I was getting anywhere. This week has been hard, since my companions have been headaches, body aches, tummy aches, and today, joint aches (wild--feels like I have arthritis and hurts to go up and down the stairs. Has really given me new empathy for people suffering from joint pain--I'm used to fibromyalgia muscle pain). Plus the almost-six-month old sweetie has had a hard time the past few days, but she'll thank me later for how great she feels. : )

Please pray, y'all, because it takes a lot of praying and depending on Jesus to change 20 years of abusing my body with pounds and pounds of sugar and non-foods. But it's going well, and is not like any other time I've stopped "using." I am not panicking, not really craving, not being dramatic and pouty with my family. This weekend I did have to escape and go nurse the baby when the rest of the family had cake at Grandma and Grandpa's, for mine and 2 other birthdays, this weekend (It was even gluten-free, but at least that way my kids could eat it). Honestly, I've tried to get myself to be mad and stomp out of the room when my family is picking out Halloween treats after dinner, but I really am OK. I feel calm. I do not want what it does to me.

Fifty-Sixth Step

2010-01-08T15:46:00.010-05:00

I had been feeling the "winter blues," and I don't mean seasonal depression (although I tend to deal with that, but that's what my lightbox is for!). I mean the WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANY WINTRY FUN THINGS WITH YOUR KIDS, YOU LAZY MEAN MOMMA! blues. There are some lies embedded in that statement, but that's the way it first rings when I hear it. I mean, we didn't even make CHRISTMAS cookies, and we definitely have not built a snowman yet. So today I made at least 4 trips up and down stairs between the basement and 2nd floor to find socks for feet (and hands in Charlie's case since his mittens are missing, the little kitten), hats, snowpants, jackets with velcro apparatuses on them, and those little-worn things called scarves. Which both decided they really wanted to pull down OFF their faces, so both got red freezer burn on their cheekies. I will NEVER get their Christmas pictures done.

I bravely decided to send them out while nursing the baby in the kitchen who had gotten really crabby due to boycotting her morning nap. Never fear, I could see them very well, yellow/black and pink/green against the snow. I did get their initial reactions on the camera video (my only video of choice these days), since before now they had been practically forbidden to walk in or touch the stuff in our mad rushes between the house and the van. "No, we don't have time to wonder as we wander! You must resist the magnetic pull of magical, glittery, freshly fallen snow!!" Well, not today--today I was the epitome of setting them free, watching from the kitchen as they ran around with DELIGHT. Schnookie would say it, "We did go in the SNOW and we did play in the SNOW! Heh heh. And we did have FUN in the SNOW!" Honey promptly plopped down for a snow angel. Schnookie crawled like an army guy, and even got out his tricycle, which he "rides" like someone waddling with a load in his pants. But not today, precious, not today. Today the pants have been unloaded. That didn't come out right. This post is getting more and more weighty. Hahahaha, some potty humor for you. OH, and to top off my wintry fun image, I did NOT forget the cocoa, for mommy either (since I did venture out to take some pics).

Fifty-Fifth Step

2010-01-07T20:15:00.002-05:00

It's UPDATE CITY time. Here's some random ones:

1. Yard sale - We passed the $400 mark! Woo hoo! (is it tacky to share yard sale profits?)
2. Radiant Recovery - I'm still working on step 3 out of 7 to heal my sugar addiction and depression. This has been awesome: www.radiantrecovery.com .
3. Still enjoying helping people with pregnancy, women's health and fertility issues. Two great books are Naturally Healthy Woman by Shonda Parker and Fertility, Cycles and Nutrition by Marilyn M. Shannon.
4. Overjoyed that a good friend with one little exuberant boy angel is having a sweet little girl angel this April.
5. Survived two birthdays in December, plus this little-known holiday where we try to do a simple celebration of a little baby named Jesus but it turns into a big hullabaloo and it's still good but afterward you look around and think "What happened?".
6. The two birthdays mean that I now have a THREE-year-old boy (who's almost pottytrained except for a very unfortunate accident today that resulted in much mess on mommy's hands and a bath) and a FIVE-year-old girl (who's not napping at the moment and I really really want her to be). It'll be super freaky when she turns 6--that is like a PRETWEEN. Hahaha.
7. I have decided to call my kids those cute little nicknames blogger moms use. I will now refer to my three kids as Tweedle, Deedle, and Dum. Isn't that just precious? Just kidding. For real, I'll use "Honeygirl," "Schnookieboy," and "Sweetieheart." If I were to spell the last one phonetically (which refers to my 5-MONTH-OLD baby--she'll be a year before we know it!) I would write "Sveetieheart," but Schnookieboy is enough of a stretch for people already. I'll probably shorten them to Honey (the girl with the honey-colored hair), Schnookie and Sweetie, just so you know. They are in reverse chronological order too, another hint for those who know my little chonkers.
8. I'll practice, because I know I'll revert back to real names at times. "Sweetie" is rolling over like a champ, both ways, turning in a circle with her head as the compass point with all her rollings, and scooting some too. She can't quite get her knees up, but is trying. I think she'll be the earliest crawler yet. Watch out, unfinished projects stuffed under the desk!!

Fifty-Fourth Step

2010-01-06T14:19:00.001-05:00

OK, top 3 things I'm battling right now and the antidotes:
1. yeast overgrowth = grapefruit seed extract, whole garlic clove, and plenty of probiotics. A big clue with this for me is major, major sugar cravings, and then some weird happenings after eating sugar. Creepy crawlies, other goings-on not for the blogosphere.
2. sleep deprivation = submitting to God about my bedtime for the first time EVER. Been battling this for 2+ years (knowing the good I should do, get to bed before 10, and not doing it, as in getting to bed at 1 for the past week). Who do I think I'm impressing by rebelling in this manner??
3. body pain = massage today. Tried hyaluronic acid for this but it made me and the baby sleepless, malic acid/magnesium seems to make a tiny bit better but EXERCISE, BABY, there's the key. Got the trampoline out, and BIG NEWS: Mom Sagar is letting us borrow her treadmill INDEFINITELY. I am sky high about this, like to the moon, Alice. We will have a fly time with our rebounding and walking going on. The sprained ankle has prevented me from doing my Bikram yoga video (which happens to be for pregnancy but fits my skill level any 'ol time) or from vigorous running (which happens to be um, physically impossible for me at this stage of the game). The ipod my sweet elf got me lifts my intentions and heightens my experience while doing said exercise. Well, we still need to pick up said treadmill for said exercise in said white truck covered in said snow. You know the one.
4. (a little extra info for ya) mood swings = placenta pills. Just kidding, I'm not really having mood swings too much, but I did take placenta pills after having Abri. Just wanted to shock and awe you, since you are brave enough to be reading this far.

Fifty-Third Step

2009-10-29T22:59:00.002-04:00

OK, I admit it. My dishwasher and I are kind of sort of competing with each other. I am challenging it to perform to the highest possible standards--with things stacked strategically and with it packed as full as I can get it to get the most bang for my buck in terms of water usage, and using ecover natural detergent to boot, e.g. it's not getting any breaks with a high-powered nasty detergent either. So despite me not being very easy on it, it is answering back that it can handle it! And that gives me joy every time I open and unload it to admire its handiwork. I truly am impressed, dishywasher. But we will keep upping the ante, a friendly battle of wills. Because we all know that in the heart of every appliance there is a temptation to be lazy, to give up, or to perform less than its best. Don't do it, dishy. I'm counting on you.

P.S. Hey, as long as we're talking and getting things out in the open, D, could you improve in the caked-on egg arena? Look, I've paid my dues for 5 years, scrubbing dishes by hand. You've only been working this joint for 2 years! And you have an electric spinny-arm thingy. I definitely don't have one of those, unless I happened to secretly be a villain on Spiderman.

Fifty-Second Step

2009-09-20T23:37:00.008-04:00

Whew, I didn't realize I left the blogosphere on such a heavy note. :) Lately we're purging the house. This started because of listening to Dave Ramsey too much--he has inspired us to get rid of debt once and for all. And not to pay for our house 3 times over (not that we're planning on being here that long, but only like 40 bucks goes to principal each month? Silly!). So we each listened to Total Money Makeover on our ipods (would Dave approve?) and tried to come up with solutions and get "gazelle intense." We don't have car loans to knock off by selling a vehicle, or any school loans. This seems like a good thing, but with our budget so tight and only one income, it seemed the only solution to start getting ahead of Chase Bank (where we have a little bit of debt, not getting bigger, but not going away--it doesn't magically go away, did you guys know that?) was, "What can we sell??" And I became determined to have a yard sale before the snow started falling.

I know that the basement has needed truckloads hauled out of it for a while now. But this yard sale on Saturday has given me extra incentive. Plus we want to make a play area in the basement for the kids, and a "craft" area for me so I can pretend I'm crafty (and keep my unfinished projects in one place at least). Haha. I'll let you know how it goes!! It is hard to let God continue to break "the comfort of stuff" that I've had since childhood--if things are chaotic around me, I always have FOOD and my STUFF. That worked when my metabolism was high and my grandpa was sending me money for my checking account. Not true anymore for either of those. :) I'm a grown-up now, in theory, and with Christ's help I can let go of those things that bind me. Heaven knows I'm not enjoying stumbling over boxes of kids' clothes, my saxaphone from 5th grade, random babyproofed decor that got sent to the basement (go to your room, vase from Arizona! We like you but you're too expensive to be a drum!), a desk I was saving for when we homeschool next year but I just realized is backwards (has the desk BEHIND the seat, must have been pregnant when I got that) and rotated-out toys that have never gotten rotated back in. Not enjoying it one bit, precious. So I am cutting the cord. Bye bye, stuff we don't use. Hello, more room for the people who matter, and hello, more space to breathe! It's like on Matrix where he takes a deep breath and "warbles out" the space around him like it's breathing too--I just picture our house taking a big breath (whoomp) and letting it out after we're done. I certainly will. And I'll slick back my hair too, and wear ratty clothes, and answer my landline phone frantically...

Fifty-First Step

2009-09-20T23:02:00.003-04:00

Posting a poem. From that college project I found. I was studying religious poetry, specifically urban religious poetry. Only at a liberal arts school, baby. I think this poem is in some form that I don't remember, it's kind of sad I can relate to it still, disclaimer, disclaimer. But I am further now in my healing, praise God.

Here it is:

For Whom the Lord Loves

"Do not reject the discipline of the Lord." -Prov. 3:11

"But they lie in wait for their own blood;
They ambush their own lives." -Prov. 1:18

I spat out the Lord's reproof, wholly
to find that he stretched out a hand
armed with warm blood, an absence.
How many times would I withhold

this life already given? He held ground
that had never been broken, for lives
that before had only beheld Him
thickly, for no real length of time.

To be able to stare--is that what
I have been wanting? Yes, of late
I have looked directly ahead. Yes,
the Lord loves to correct me,

His delight, one dug from the grave,
writhing. But I am kept from wisdom
by hands and feet clumped together
under one name, streets loud with shame

and my neck red as I about face
Him, covered in devices, my own
derision. Have I kept sound wisdom?
Am I lying in wait, my blood rushing?

Fiftieth Step

2009-09-20T21:57:00.011-04:00

Woo hoo! This is the 50th step celebration. Watch out, this is also the potential spewing of everything I have been waiting to spew for 8 weeks. Abriana is 8 weeks old at 11:41 tonight, and despite facing some nursing challenges and strange sleeplessness (the eyes popping open after nursing so long I'm sure she's knocked out), my most common name for her is "sweetheart." "You're such a booper scooper" (and then chomping on her cheek) seems to be the next most common phrase, a slight variation of Clarissa's name (scoopy doo) and less like Charlie's (schnookie boy).

Sweetheart is unpredictable and often chomps still with nursing, but I do still love her so. I often wonder if others really think she's cute, or just think she's "small" and therefore, in the cute category. It doesn't really matter; I think she's gorgeous. Just a little pimply right now, and her eyes can still get a little goopy from slight tear duct blockage. Looks a lot like Clarissa but with darker hair, especially when Daddy holds her and she turns her head facing out and her hair is sticking out about 2 inches past her head in that Don King fashion. That is just like Clarissa's Christmas picture that we sent out, but Abriana will not be getting anything sent out, except electronically. She has been lucky to at least get a Facebook posting with some pics. You can also check out our website for a link to some pics, for those who have the address. I won't post the address here because this is a public page. Sorry, folks. I am still trying to get the camera downloaded to get some more current ones out there. It has been fun to see God enlarging my heart as we welcome each child--emotionally I feel better able to love a new baby than ever, even as crazy as things are. I look back on the postpartum time with Clarissa and still see a lot of healing possible; I shudder inside and at times feel sick when I think of how hard that was. When I compare it to Abriana, I feel blessed, clear-headed, and only overwhelmed 25% of the time compared to 100% with Clarissa. :) Maybe 50% overwhelmed with the house though.

I am feeling very emotional today, a bit sad and low, like I'm just looking for something to cry about. I have found some things. It's terribly disappointing to me to get through a weekend and not "go anywhere fun." To start another week without getting out as a family (which I am dependent still on Robert for in some ways--it's hard to get anywhere myself with all 3, especially when she may not nurse well and I have to come home to have a good session) is pretty depressing. It's like, "What's the point? I just have to do another week of the SAME THING." I muscled my way through and got us to go to a fair last Sunday, which was comically small and not worth the 1.5-hour drive, so this weekend I was humbled and only flashed the "Go!" section at Robert and dreamed aloud about all the (free) things we could do, but did not push anything through. So nothing happened. If I am not the master of my destiny, why does it feel like I have to push and push to get fun into my life?? Why does it seem so hard to get together with friends--with other moms or with other families on the weekend? Where's the spontaneity? I feel like I don't know where to begin, because don't want to get too much on the plate but want to start somewhere.

A baby step. I tried to get up the courage to invite someone to go walking with me during Thursday school but chickened out with two different people because with one I was "sure she already had plans for that morning" and with the other I lost her in the shuffle and never got to ask. Need to plan in advance I suppose. And need to decide if Charlie is really "ready" to go there, when I am pretty sure he's not and I only want him to do it if it's fun for him--with us planning to homeschool, it's not like he has to get used to a classroom environment and getting shuttled from place to place. They said he had the hardest time (cried and cried) during "transitions," and when he wouldn't participate and had to sit in a chair. That makes me so sad!! Getting corrected by new people is so hard for a sensitive little boy--so hard for anyone, because I STILL remember the mortified feeling of getting corrected. Plus he is not completely potty trained, by any means. I was telling a dear friend that I basically potty train on Tuesday and Wednesday before Thursday school, and then leave it alone the rest of the week. It's mostly me, not much effort or initiation on his part unless it involves a prize or McQueen underwear. I just feel like if we take him out, halfway through the year he'll feel sad and left out (or I will feel sad at the Christmas program, or like we failed somehow), and it's more efficient to have two in and one out--it would be a lot of effort to get there, with just Clarissa benefiting. But she loves it.

Yesterday I did something productive though, even if it wasn't so fun. I started to clean out the basement, and got dust in my brain I think. Was so foggy today, and my nose feels choked up and my eyes are red and raw. Not happy that I passed these allergies on to my little boy (and food allergies to maybe all my kids), who is currently wheezing a little due to his slight asthma whenever he gets a cold virus. If he runs, he starts coughing and worrying me. How do you tell a 2-year-old not to run? Anyway. In the basement I found my poetry project from my senior year in college, and one of the lines is "Smite me. I am not being honest." I so admire my dear friend who is so real and open in her blog, and love reading it. I was crying tonight while reading it, because she's so special and I hadn't read it for a while. I love getting to know her even more through this unique voice into her life. I have been reevaluating what to do here, since daily posting is a major thing of the past--even monthly posting, judging by my last blog date. :) I do want to share our life with people, and the things I'm learning. So I'll just keep to that as my focus. I don't have beautiful crafts to show you or amazing parenting adventures, but I have real struggles and real victories. Laughing with my kids tonight and pretending they were babies honking my nose was a victory for me. Last night I was thinking, after reading a historical fiction book by Lori Whitstone? about Dakota Indians, if I were to get a Native American name for bravery that I would be totally proud of, it would be Loves Children. I am not there yet. I love certain children whose families I know and love, but am generally still afraid of the child population in general. Not in a freaked out phobia kind of way, but in an apprehensive, keep my distance kind of way. Cleaning out the basement of my life (I think I'm borrowing that image from a friend; you'll just have to trust me that she doesn't want to be quoted directly) means clearing out what being a kid meant to me, and the fear I faced. Life was unpredictable, and being a kid was dangerous. So I valued acting like a grown up. Now I want to learn how to be a kid again!! Lord, help me. It's hard to let go of the stuff that weighs me down. Being in slavery to things, the feeling that my stuff was what I had to cling to growing up, is not necessary anymore. And the feeling that only "serious" things are important. I want to make a playroom for my kids down there. And for me.

Forty-Ninth Step

2009-07-11T08:59:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm back again! I took an unintentional break while my mom got married, my husband had a birthday, and my energy has been limited this 3rd pregnancy. Only 2.5 weeks or so until baby! Unless I am 5 days late like usual. I have decided instead of trying to post everyday (I almost made it 50 posts before my "break"), I'm going to just post when I do a RNM step. So there will be less guilt and more realness, because sometimes my steps were just thinking what I did that day and trying to incorporate it into the blog. Ha! As if you couldn't tell. I'll also just keep you posted on what's going on with us, like most blogs do.

For this step I communicated my needs and wants in order to plan the birth I've always dreamed of but have not gotten to experience yet...a water birth. Robert didn't want to set the tub up again because we didn't get to use it at all with Charlie since he came so fast (less than 2 hours). He had to deal with the tub and felt like he missed a lot of the birth, and it still only got 1/3 of the way full. So we are filling it in advance and draining it every 72 hours until I go. I'm glad to have the option if it works to have this babe in there!! It's so gentle for baby, and the warm water helps tissues soften and stretch, and with my big babies, I'll take all the help I can get!! My midwife thinks this one is smaller; I say it depends on how long I am pregnant. If I'm 5 days late, that's another 1/2 lb. right there! We will see, very soon...

Forty-Eighth Step

2009-06-08T11:48:00.002-04:00

Well, we tried to create some free family fun today and go to a hot air balloon festival, but found it had ended the night before despite what the website said. So we found a restaurant in the area and went for a walk along a river. We rolled with the punches, but the festival sounded really neat, so we have it on the calendar for next year. C'est la vie, mes amis!

Forty-Seventh Step

2009-06-07T22:47:00.005-04:00

Today we had a picnic at an arboretum, just me and the kids. We needed to find something to do while Daddy works on a landscaping job for friends. It was a peaceful afternoon! The best part is that the kids can RUN AND RUN without me having to worry too much about cars. Charlie built a fire by gathering sticks, and sister made some yummy soup. Then she climbed a tree. I felt proud that we did something fun without daddy with the little energy I had.

Forty-Sixth Step

2009-06-06T21:20:00.003-04:00

I've been working on my life story and how God's worked in my life (testimony) for Celebrate Recovery, and met with my sponsor for this step. It's hard to be vulnerable, but I feel pretty good about sharing what God's done through CR. I'll be giving it June 16!

Forty-Fifth Step

2009-06-05T23:20:00.000-04:00

This was a stay-at-home-and-pray-to-God-that-you-actually-clean kind of day. So I vacuumed the LR, stairs, and the upstairs (dear hubbin had already done the rest of the downstairs). I did not, however, empty the 4 clean laundry baskets and rumpled suitcase from the Utah trip that were on the bed in the office. I decided that boycotting it isn't working, though, and need strength from the Lord to conquer this mountain (literally).

Food and clothes are so boring! You know what I mean, don't you? My two main responsibilities, everyday: getting food in people, and clothes on people. Jesus said the body is more than food and clothes, so it seems the opposite of spiritual to always be working on those very things, guilty about late or unplanned meals, trying to provide clean underwear for all. That last part sounds so noble!

But we all know that there were superheros ON underoos, but never an "Amazing Underoo Woman" superhero. You have to admit, I've got you there! But I - am - that - hero! Providing peace and underwear for all. I think as I was saving the world I'd have to say over and over, "No, not wonder woman, underoo woman!" I guess I need to read more of Brother Lawrence and remind myself there can be peace and communion with God even while spending hours in the kitchen or doing laundry in the basement, in my incognito disguise, of course. Please don't reveal my identity, RNM readers.

Forty-Fourth Step

2009-06-04T23:15:00.004-04:00

We had a picnic outside for this step, and enjoyed the sunny day...we started out in the sun but none of us could see so I unloaded our plates from the blanket and dragged it into the shade. I considered pulling the blanket over with the plates and drinks still on top of it, but my ninja skills might have pulled the blanket out from under the plates anyway, which would have defeated the purpose. My ninja skills always create awkward situations, such as with blanket tricks or with karate chopping, say, a cashier when she forgets to put in a coupon and tells me to go to the service desk to get 70 cents and my 2-year-old is completely done with the store. Just hypothetical, of course.

Forty-Third Step

2009-06-03T23:06:00.001-04:00

This step was to drag out the big baby pool, clean it out, and get it functional for the summer. And let the kids take a dip, of course! Here's to cheap summer fun! And the pool itself was free, so double bonus. They were more daring than last year, so the slide was making me nervous, and they might feel a little more crowded, especially since they like to have a million toys in there, but they seemed to enjoy it just fine. Another bonus was reusing water--they decided to water plants with the pool water, because it was clean enough for plants to drink, right?

What is it about water, anyway? So refreshing and fun, yet dangerous or messy when in the wrong place at the wrong time. We are mostly made of water, but we can drown in water. We need to drink water, but we can die from having too much (like you read about in those marathons). We get rid of water by sweating out little pores (how odd!) or eliminating it; but we always maintain some kind of homeostasis. We ride across the water in boats; we swim through it but don't naturally belong in it. It's kind of addictive, especially during pregnancy, and I want to drink as much as possible and be immersed as much as possible (weightless! Very attractive right now). Everyone wants to live by the water and the houses are priced accordingly. I want to be attracted to the living water of Christ as much as my waterbottle or a rushing river. And it's free to live near Him and drink from His neverending stream...

Forty-Second Step

2009-06-02T16:50:00.002-04:00

Time to say goodbye to the mountains that I barely explored, and the river that I never jumped in. Maybe next time. The rapids and freezing temperatures were a little daunting this time around. Traveling went well, although I was just surviving and not being natural (got a drink on every flight in those plastic cups). I had a 1.5 hr drive to the airport, then 3 takeoffs and landings, and then the drive back home from the airport. All in all, a 12-hour travel day. And yes, I was swollen like a marshmallow woman. But a good night's sleep did the trick. Thanks for a great visit, Karin and Mokey! (and Mom for the free ticket!)

Forty-First Step

2009-06-01T16:34:00.001-04:00

More hiking for this step, but at 9-10,000 feet. Karin and Mike are SURROUNDED by amazing mountains.

We saw the campus where Karin is a professor and Mokey has his office, then went to Bear Lake,

ate Garden City's famous raspberry shakes,

and hiked a bit in the snow around another lake (Happy Anniversary, K&M!).

There's nothing like snow in your socks in May! I don't have much breathing room anyway (8 weeks until baby!), but I was really having trouble not feeling like I was taking my dying breath (not literally). I can't wait to go back after my belly is empty of baby. But because of my supersonic pregnancy schnozola, the mountains smelled AMAZING.

Fortieth Step

2009-05-31T21:56:00.006-04:00

This was a real natural day. I went on two hikes in Utah's Cache mountains, which are literally right around the corner from my brother and sister-in-law's beautiful house on the Logan River. We had a really nice time, even though they were slowing down some for me, at least in terms of mileage. I have noticed being more out of breath here due to the altitude, but I also know I'm pretty out of shape. :) The whole time I wanted to jump into the river, but it is deceptively cold and more like rapids right now due to the snow melting from the mountains--so I was barely able to walk through a shallow part for more than a few feet without my feet feeling like they were going to fall off. Here are some more pics:

We also went to a farmer's market,

fell off a mountain (lovely picture),

called some ducks,

sat and ate lunch on their deck overlooking the river,

ate at a yummy Mexican restaurant and then watched Nacho Libre. All in all, a great day on my vacation without kiddos! I do miss them though, and me sweet husband. Love you guys!

Thirty-Ninth Step

2009-05-30T23:32:00.002-04:00

Soooo this day was traveling to Utah, and I brought water on the plane and managed to not buy any waterbottles...was paranoid about not having enough with the plane dehydration on a 4-hour flight, but I think I did OK. One water bottle did leak, though, in the overhead bin, but it was enough to make a fellow passenger a little irked. Had to let it go, wasn't trying to ruin his day or anything. I didn't realize the hinge was leaky until that trip, and it's the only one I have for the way back too. So I will just keep it from the overhead bins and hope it doesn't wreak more havoc.

Besides being sure to get enough water, I added protein powder to my iced caramel macchiato, and it was good! A nice refreshing snack while I drove my cool rental car that I was very savvy at renting this time (last time I got duped about a couple things, but this time I was ready--they even tried to get me to take a minivan, which 1. I didn't need all that room and my brother who I was visiting would not approve 2. I drive all the time 3. I wanted a fun little car 4. Even though it would be a "free" upgrade, the gas would not be free!). So keep your wits about you at those places, I'm telling you. It was so nice to stop along the way and sit at Wendy's and listen to their folk music and have a burger w/o a bun and admire the mountains and not have to get ketchup or napkins or anything for anyone but me.

Thirty-Eighth Step

2009-05-29T17:10:00.000-04:00

Here we are, cooking some more...Number 38 was to make gluten-free banana bread to take to Uncle Mokey and Aunt Karin's house in Utah. It turned out very yummy! More like fluffy banana cake. It was probably the fluffiest thing I've ever made that was gluten-free. Off to bed--big day tomorrow!

Thirty-Seventh Step

2009-05-28T23:10:00.000-04:00

My step today was to keep working on the house of God chart...laminating away, and determining which side of the velcro to use on which part, etc. We have been using the laminated sheets for our circle time, without the chart or having them cut out, but the kids can't read anyway and don't seem to care. Charlie likes to hold the card with the verse and say, "No, I do it! I do it myself," and then says some random part of the verse. Which is still very cute and impressive. They both love the puppet part, since there's 4 puppets, mom, dad, girl and boy (one for each family member, out of the womb anyway). Charlie prayed once with us at the end, but since then he won't repeat after me when I pray like Clarissa does. This time I decided to give them a felt "fruit of the Spirit" whenever I saw them loving each other, being kind, good, gentle, etc. and then we counted the fruit in the basket at the end of the day and they got a surprise (which was shaved ice with snow cone syrup). Hey, can't be healthy all the time!

Thirty-Sixth Step

2009-05-27T21:00:00.002-04:00

I made some gluten-free cornbread for #36, from Carol Fenster. It was good! For some reason I liked it better last time I made it--I think the flour mix was fresher.

Liquid ingredients:
2 large eggs, room temp.
3/4 cup milk, room temp.
1/4 cup canola or other oil
1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar or fresh lemon juice

Dry ingredients:
1 cup gluten-free cornmeal
3/4 cup Carol's Sorghum Blend (just use whatever GF flours you like, a mix of oat and brown rice is good if you want to "brown it up")
1/4 to 1/2 cup sugar
2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp xanthum gum
1 tsp salt

Grease an 8-inch square pan, and preheat oven to 350.
Beat the eggs for 30 seconds in medium bowl, then add rest of liquid ingredients and blend. Whisk the dry ingredients together in a small bowl and gradually beat into the liquid ingredients. Should be consistency of thick cake batter. Spread evenly in pan and bake 25-30 minutes until edges are lightly browned.

Thirty-Fifth Step

2009-05-26T09:57:00.006-04:00

OK I am going to catch up: This step was finally planting the garden! And for a happy Memorial Day, going to the countryside to Robert's parents and sister's houses and letting the kids RUN some more! And fly kites. It was a fun time.

Thirty-Fourth Step

2009-05-25T12:47:00.001-04:00

This was a simple saving money step--instead of following the temptation to eat somewhere nice after church on Memorial weekend, we went home and ate leftovers. Well, full disclosure: Robert did stop by a pulled pork stand outside Kroger for a couple sandwiches' worth of meat, but they weren't open. I got behind in my posting, but was keeping track and writing in my head, and now that it's on paper, I see that this was a lame attempt! But anything we do to actually be frugal is a big deal for us. So case closed.

Thirty-Third Step

2009-05-24T09:55:00.006-04:00

This step was making granola, and also letting kids run for hours outside at a fun birthday party. Here's the granola recipe that I tried, thanks to Freida:
-Mix 3 cups oats with 1 tsp cinnamon (I doubled it, but will type out the original)
-Mix 1 tsp vanilla (I was doubling, so did 1 tsp vanilla and 1 tsp almond extract since I ran out of vanilla), 1/4 cup oil, and 1/2 cup honey.
-Pour mixture over oats and mix well. Pour on sprayed cookie sheet and bake at 300 for 20-25 minutes (don't stir while baking). Cool well before stirring. I also added a couple handfuls of almonds. Yum! Will probably try adding sunflower seeds, some butter, and maybe some Himalayan salt next time.

Thirty-Second Step

2009-05-23T09:46:00.002-04:00

This step was to go to a chiropractor/naturopathic doctor for EDS (electro-dermal screening) testing. I needed a mini-check to see how the pregnancy was going, and had been having some tummy issues that I thought were from being gluten-ed but wanted to make sure there weren't other food allergies going on. Raw milk and eggs were fine, but I found out that I was as sensitive to gluten, barley, and corn as to high fructose corn syrup! And those were enough to make me messed up, but the thing that was sky-high was WHEAT. So my gluten sensitivity is trumped by an even bigger wheat allergy. I had suspected that maybe wheat was more the culprit, because cross-contamination and barley malt didn't seem to affect me as much (definitely wasn't celiac I didn't think), but any little exposure to wheat itself creates an awful reaction for a week. I won't go into detail, but feel free to ask me more if you are interested and dealing with food allergies yourself.

At the risk of sounding like Melman, I will continue. I also have an awful reaction to venison, which I narrowly avoided eating when someone had made sloppy joes with it and my husband thought to ask if it was deer meat (on my behalf). Phew. I would've been in the bathroom all night. Anyone ever heard of deer allergy? I think I'm allergic to goat too. Isn't that strange? Is game-y meat more acidic or something? How will I find answers asking random questions on my blog? Why do I just keep asking them expecting cyberspace to solve my problems?

Thirty-First Step

2009-05-22T09:28:00.002-04:00

It was Clarissa's last day of Thursday school for the year, so afterward we decided to go out with a bang by visiting the DENTIST for the first time. Clare wasn't too scared, but said she didn't want to go. I told her she'd like it, kind of crossing my heart and hoping she wouldn't get upset and gag and puke (sorry for the imagery). She did great though, and my step for today was to talk with the dentist, not get flouride treatment that day, but research it more and decide for the next visit. I have read so many contradicting things about it--that the ADA says it is not that beneficial, that Dr. Mercola says it's harmful, and this dentist said if they are on city water he has really seen a difference vs. well water (that the flouride in city water definitely helps in his opinion). But he doesn't recommend ingested supplements, just topical application through toothpaste and the treatments at the office. We use Tom's of Maine children's toothpaste, which doesn't have flouride, but if we were to use a flouride one he said only put a pea-sized amount on the toothbrush and to be careful that the kids don't ingest too much, like eat the whole tube etc. Anyway, Clare did great and last night said she wanted to go to the dentist again (instead of brushing her teeth herself). Plus she got a cool 3-sided highlighter (Charlie did too, just for being good moral support and not grabbing a single electronic tool).

But I don't have conclusions about next time because I haven't done more research yet. Growing up I got flouride treatments and still had a ton of cavities (and just had my first crown/root canal a couple years ago), but the more I do my informal polling, the more I think that genetics play a big part in it. I floss everyday and definitely need to go every 6 months; my husband does NOT floss everyday and they gush about his great gums (I typed bums the first time, ha!) and teeth etc. and he only goes once a year. Not fair, but that's love and life in dental hygiene.

Thirtieth Step

2009-05-21T21:48:00.001-04:00

This was a hodge podge of items: bringing my grocery bags into the store (which sadly, I haven't remembered to do since my last step that involved remembering this), rescuing an iced latte cup from the trash, taking the recycling to the van to take tomorrow, trying to turn out lights, playing at the park, grilling out and taking a walk for family night, and eating greens from Mendy's garden. Generally being more mindful of my actions and thinking, "What can I post on the blog today??" Haha. A little guilty accountability never hurt anyone, did it??

Twenty-Ninth Step

2009-05-20T21:37:00.004-04:00

This step was to intentionally "do mommying" with another mom...my friend Mendy and I have started trying to get together each week and hang out, help each other with a project or two (depending on kid cooperation with said project), and share lunch. We had DELICIOUS BLT's; those sandwiches really struck a beautiful pregnancy chord with me and I told her it felt like I hadn't eaten in days. I definitely ate the leftovers from my kids' plates, that quintessential weight-loss no-no, but I will worry about that in 3 months. For now I am just gaining and gaining with no end in sight!! Anyway. We really had a wonderful time, and I hope that next time I can be more helpful! We did pick some lettuce and onions from the garden, and tried to involve the kids, but they were not terribly interested. I also sorted through a clothes bin and divided what would fit Eli vs. Charlie this summer & fall, and continued to work on the HOUSE scripture chart because Mendy has incredible craft supplies and a super-duper laminator, which she let me borrow.

Basically, I benefited in about 10 ways by the visit and kept Mendy from being as productive, probably. :) But it was good to talk and ruminate on home schooling and other issues that are still a bit esoterical, especially for Mendy with Eli being younger than Charlie even. I will probably start loosely teaching Clarissa this fall since she doesn't really have to start kindergarten until next fall; she has been really showing interest in reading and asking how to spell everything, what all the signs say etc. But I want to research curriculum and try some different things before having to KNOW what I'm doing. :) The home school curriculum share at church this week was very helpful, mostly in talking with other moms and hearing their different philosophies, fears, mistakes, successes, advice. They are brave women! I feel a bit insecure joining their ranks, but I will try. But GO COMMUNAL LIVING!

Twenty-Eighth Step

2009-05-19T21:34:00.002-04:00

We went to the zoo with our MOPS group, and the 28th step was saving money and bringing our lunch and water, and saving plastic baggies that were clean enough (and repeatedly chasing off a goose because apparently Charlie is afraid of geese and was traumatized when the goose ate part of his crust on the ground). I also tried to carpool but the other mom decided to drive too at the last minute. Grandma got us a membership (thanks, Mom!), so we didn't have to pay for tickets or parking. So I ended up spending $10 total because we got ice cream at the very end, and then I stopped outside of the zoo at Planet Smoothie for a protein smoothie since the kids were the ones who got the ice cream. That smoothie hit the spot! Got a little too tired and too much sun, so needed some refreshment. The group was moving fast to try to see everything, and the kids were not sticking with me very well, but we managed to have a good time. :) It's a nice zoo; we had never been before except to see the Christmas lights.

Twenty-Seventh Step

2009-05-18T14:50:00.001-04:00

Yesterday at church we sang a song about new babies, in honor of the baby dedication. We had written it after Charlie was born (I think it was afterward--there was no date, but I was talking about "my son" in it). It was fun. I've posted the words below. Please comment if you have any questions about my theology. :) I'm not questioning God's word, just saying what a deep mystery that this soul of this new baby is NOT new to God--he created it, this eternal soul is "out of time" in a sense, and someday He will make ALL THINGS truly new. But what closer glimpse of that day than in the newness of a newborn. It's the newest thing possible in this world that's fading...yet somehow still not NEW.

nothing new

nothing new
you have told me there’s
nothing new
you inform me
but these eyes
but these hands

nothing new
you have told me there’s
nothing new
under the sunbeams
but this nose
but these toes

We’ll follow our hearts now my son
We’ll open our eyes to the one
Oh, what can we do now you’re born
With these eyes
With these hands
With this mouth

nothing new
how can that be with
all these feelings
rushing through me
and these ears
can they hear

The heart of our Father above
Who made all your fingers with love
Oh, what can we do now my son
With these hands
With this heart
With this hope

Praising you
I dream of the day when he’s
Praising you
Oh Lord, let it be so
With these hands
With this mouth
With this heart

Hallelu
Hallelujah you’ll make
All things new
Someday soon, Lord
But first the child
Receive the child
You sent your child
To save this child

p.s. Sharing songs is a step for me, so please don't pilfer or pass it on via e-mail. Feel free to share the blog address in an e-mail though. Thanks!

Twenty-Sixth Step

2009-05-17T22:09:00.009-04:00

Well, yesterday started out with a meeting at church and then a MOPS tea, so I was an independent bird all morning. Then I came home and Robert had taken the kids on a couple errands, so I was kind of wandering around wondering what to do and ended up having a quiet time, straightening up and putting away laundry. At first being in the house alone was like a solo mia party, but then it kind of lost its luster the longer the family was gone and I didn't know when they were returning. I sort of started to feel left out! Strange, because if I knew exactly how much time I had to work with I probably would have used it more effectively, or at least whooped it up more. Anyway, the Saturday activities after naptime were

beading

and stickers

(which is a mixed bag for me, because they love it, but it's shocking how fast they can go through $5 of stickers, and without adding any original marker-ing or coloring, the pictures are so impersonal)

making gluten-free pizza

(a real treat for me, since we can't order out! Robert liked it, but I didn't think the hamburger we used was as tasty as using sausage. The crust turned out well though!)

and cuddling with daddy on the couch while watching Nim's Island

which is really cute (fast-forwarding the lost-at-sea and stormy parts).

So today my step was to enjoy my family and realize that time alone isn't always what it's cut up to be. After 4 hours of being gone in the morning, I was ready to see my family again, and coming home to an empty house was exhilarating and peaceful at first, but all of us together--the little people, the bulging-belly momma and the tall man--are what really make it a home.

Twenty-Fifth Step

2009-05-16T14:17:00.003-04:00

Step 25, I'm alive...I think I'll count NOT giving the kids enough baths as a RNM step, because it's very granola and nitty-gritty (literally). Henceforth, I publicly proclaim that I am delaying the increased bath schedule that spring strongly suggests and summer duly requires. I have composed a poem in honor of this accomplishment.

I lean forward to kiss your schnookie head
And get a whiff of grass instead
not the clean-cut freshly mow-en kind
But the day-old rained-on grass you find
stuck to the edge of my tennis shoe
In fact, that also smells like you
along with running, and the sun
such a fascinating combination
how can I wash it away you ask
when nature's offering takes to task
the fight t'would take most every day
to keep you bathed and clean to stay
so i'll just lean over you once more
and welcome nature through my door

Twenty-Fourth Step

2009-05-15T22:32:00.003-04:00

So this is the story of "Little Fly" (Clarissa named him) continued...when Robert got home from praise team, Little Fly was lying down outside the box and was not moving. Yes, Little Fly had died in the 2 hours that Robert was gone! We know that was too fast to starve to death, due to his big fat belly, and he had enough feathers that 65-degree weather wouldn't have killed him. In the fledgling stage, they can be out on their own for 2 or 3 days before they fly, with their moms kind of looking out for them and caring for them. So he wouldn't have needed the warmth of the nest at this stage. It was a sad revelation for all of us, and we still don't know the exact cause of death. A cat could have played with him; if he did fall down a long way from the nest he could have had some kind of internal injuries or bleeding or even a brain injury; or could he have died from the shock of it all and not having his mommy?

I felt grieved, but also guilty--did we do the wrong thing? Should we have brought him in and put a heating pad under the box? Gotten some food into him? The info online made it sound like the best thing for them is to let their mommy find them, and we were not expecting him to go so fast. I think there were other issues going on, but it was hard to tell. He was really lethargic and disoriented, and didn't seem like himself--not that I have known too many baby birds.

But I tried to give him to God, and cried some, and the questions I was asking God were, "Did you see him when he died, Lord? Did he somehow sense you were there with him?" I know He sees the sparrow fall, but does the sparrow sense Him at all? I grieved too over not having a pet, and how, if we went that route, I was excited to have the kids involved in helping feed him, learn about him, etc. I am sad they don't have any animals to know and learn about and care for. But the times I've tried indoor cats (which I grew up with) were very frustrating in my own household, especially since I'm not the greatest with cleaning, on any kind of schedule anyway. Right now at least, cleaning is on a very "this is getting grimy," as-needed basis. But shouldn't the joy and comfort that animals bring me outweigh the mess and inconvenience?

Robert always had outside animals, which part of me still doesn't see the point of since I think I would just say Hi in passing and gingerly pet or pet while thinking, "This dog is so gross; I'm washing my hands first thing when I get inside." Or they smell like skunk, or get loose, or bark obsessively, or get bad ticks or worms. I don't know, indoor pets seem to have so much more personality and become more a part of the family.

But pardon me, we are grieving Little Fly. We held a little funeral for him and buried him under our garden, with the kids both crying by the end--Clarissa real crying and Charlie fake crying, mostly because he wanted to pet it some more (we used gloves). Clare prayed to see the birdie again in heaven, and we prayed for God to take care of him. She was really sobbing though, and saying she wanted to make him a birdhouse and hold him...but I said he was hurt and he's not hurting now so that's a good thing, and we can make a birdhouse for a different birdie. It was hard to teach her about dying and grieving (she learned the words "buried" and "funeral") and to know that all I could do was hold her. By the time she went to bed, she said "Sweet birdie, in the yard dead," and I knew at least that she got it. She is so tender, and I have trouble having patience with her sensitivity sometimes, but definitely not in the life and death of Little Fly.

Twenty-Third Step

2009-05-14T22:10:00.006-04:00

Well, I am still conflicted about this step, which seemed very exciting and heroic at first. Clarissa said, "Mom, there's a really fat bird in the yard!" and when I went to look, realized it was a baby bird hopping along. We went out to look and it barely moved even though we were 3 feet away, and it would seem to be sleeping between hopping as if exhausted. When it hopped over to the alley (with some breaks in between), I decided to go get a box (the "house of God" box was handy), line it with newspaper, and see if it would hop in. I didn't want it to get run over!

So he fluttered a little when I approached and maybe went a foot off the ground but landed with his wings out. They didn't look strange or injured, just like he wasn't able to really fly yet. But I scooped him into the box when he fluttered up, and he seemed to really relax (it was a windy, rainy day) and fell into a good sleep with his head tucked around into his back feathers. BTW, he was fully-feathered and extremely plump, so he did not seem to urgently need warmth or a meal.

Robert got home soon after I "rescued" him from the alley, and I called my mom who has raised a few robins in her day. I remember as a girl the smell of baby meat and feeding some birds who had hatched from eggs with a dropper thing. But these birds we raised were not fledglings who had left the nest; they had no feathers and needed to be in a yogurt maker incubator etc. This little bird was clearly older and about ready to fly, even if he had taken off/fallen out prematurely. We looked for the nest, but could not find any sign of it. Our tree is so tall, we wouldn't have been able to get him back in it anyway. We put a tee shirt over the box so he wouldn't try to fly out the top and hurt himself.

Meanwhile, Robert looked online and found some info about what to do in this kind of situation. He said that the bird's mom probably hadn't abandoned it, and she needs to be able to find it visually (not just hear it chirping). So we decided to turn the box on its side so the little bird could hop out if he wanted to, and the mom could see him if she was looking for it. Or he could stay in there if it liked the shelter from the wind. I had to leave to take the kids to see my mom graduate from a program, but before Robert left for praise team, the birdie was hopping around under our tree, at least safe from the rain.

Here is another webpage about caring for baby birds and how usually the best thing to do is to leave them alone. I didn't read this, of course, until I had already intervened. On the other hand, I know that the alley was not a safe place for him, and there are plenty of cats roaming around in our neighborhood, so I'm not sure he would have been safe hopping around like a sitting duck. Hmm, somehow that analogy doesn't work. But the mom came back to look for him, and I wanted to yell, "He's over here, momma!" Clarissa got to see him sleeping in the box, later naming him "Little Fly," but we couldn't find any worms for him in our garden before we left. Robert and I were going to decide later that night what to do if the momma didn't find him. To be continued...you can listen to the CD "You are My Little Bird" by Elizabeth Mitchell in the meantime. It is a sweet children's album.

Twenty-Second Step

2009-05-13T14:59:00.005-04:00

Today is a lesson in glad-itude...Lord, today I am glad that my kids call sneezes "bless you's;" I am glad that I can still fit in some :) of my maternity pants, I am glad that the weather is staying warmer and our clothes are almost switched out (thanks again for your help, Mendy!); I am glad that Clare has a little body that works well and jumps and tumbles and moves at gymnastics; I am glad that Charlie ate all his lunch and seems to be starting a growth spurt after his sister finished one; I am glad that we have a HOME group to come fellowship at our house; I am glad that we had circle time again and it wasn't just a one-shot-deal; I am glad that there are 11 wks left until we meet our baby.

I am glad that my husband has an idea for a beautiful backyard patio, that we can have creative ideas and work on them, that our van is a palatial vehicle that I can't believe we actually drive around in and own (so much space! Like an apartment! We never had one growing up), that we made our house payment this month, that we could pay our midwife a chunk of money for the birth, that God can show us how to live sufficiently on $50 until Robert gets paid in 9 days, that God will grow our faith. I am glad that God alone is sufficient for us, that He will meet our every need. This is a day to rejoice and be glad! I am glad because He has made me glad.

Twenty-First Step

2009-05-12T16:50:00.004-04:00

Step 21 was our first circle time: me and the kids sitting on a blanket on our hardwood floor talking about the Bible. I came up with a theme for us--the house of God--and have a cool acronym for H.O.U.S.E. to expand on it. When I finish my chart I'll take a picture of it or something, but it's not done yet. I have a lot of laminating to do!

Then we drew about our house and God's house, and decorated a box to be God's house. We also talked about how we want our house to be full of joy, peace, love, you name it (currently it is filled with sleeping kids and soon-to-be-sleeping mom). And the "house of God" box is filled with all of Clare's "little guys." Charlie was so cute saying, "hon-ow" (honor) and "ex-o-dus" and even "pwo-longed." "Honor your father and mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you" (Exodus 20:12). There are verses for each part of the acronym that we'll learn gradually. I have them repeat after me and it's just so stinkin' cute.

I think I was underestimating how much the schnookers could handle in terms of Bible teaching--this is so much more fun than just reading their little children's Bible! And to have them looking up at me expectantly and liking the attention and the "newness" of it--it's really fun. We also did a role play with our mommy, daddy, Clare and Charlie puppets about obeying and sharing and playing well together, with lots of hugs and kisses too. Charlie couldn't get it that the puppet was supposed to be him, though, so the mommy & daddy puppets made sure to hug & kiss him along with his puppet.

Twentieth Step

2009-05-11T15:45:00.008-04:00

So for Mother's Day proper, R & B had a much-needed date and nature walk for our marital health (R is hubby, B is me). After an enlightening journey into Star Trek past and too much soda (blech--we were both dizzy!), we went to an arboretum and "walked it off." It was where R proposed, so B wanted to walk past our picnicking spot almost exactly 7 years ago (May 5, 2002). It was just a patch of grass, but the whole place means so much to us because it was the start of our lifelong commitment and our zany adventures. We know the schnarboretum well and are always looking for new varieties of conifers, because we are addicted to conifers. You'd be amazed at how many we've fit on our little lot. And we still want a hemlock, and a couple arborvitaes. Ah well, it's not a bad addiction to have, since we don't have the money to indulge it. Thanks to C & D for watching the kids!! p.s. You didn't hear it from me, but THE REAL SPOCK makes an appearance in Star Trek...it was like seeing a long-lost uncle. I felt that fond of him.

Nineteenth Step

2009-05-10T14:49:00.002-04:00

Whoa, I got behind here. Step 19 was a fun one. In honor of Mother's Day weekend and spring planting fever, RAZ, CharChar, Clare and I went to a local garden center and picked out some sweet annuals, perennials, boxwoods, herbs, and a hanging basket. And most at 20% off! Plus I had a $10 off coupon that was like 3 years old but with no expiration date, they had to take it still. Woo hoo! If only all of life had no expiration date. It will be like that in heaven I guess.

Oh, and we planted (almost) everything the same day! Kind of a small miracle for us. Still need to till up/plant our garden and figure out where the boxwoods are going. See below for more pics.

More Photos from Nineteenth Step

2009-05-10T14:36:00.000-04:00

Eighteenth Step

2009-05-09T14:39:00.000-04:00

My 18th step was to socialize with other moms at my MOPS group--for mental health. :) We had a nice meeting, and I realized that I could have been more involved this year. After our Chicago trip, I feel like we're capable of more than I think (me, the baby inside, and the 2 outside). So opting out on some of the trips and social stuff may not have been necessary, even though I felt overwhelmed that day or like just staying home. Numerous times I did not have the schedule straight, or had other commitments going on. But I think I could have been more vulnerable and not worried so much about moms not REALLY knowing me. How will they get to know me, if I don't open up and make an effort? Sometimes insecurity is so subtle I don't see how it affects me until I look back.

I think I'm still hung up on my personality on the placemat at the Chinese place we'd go to in junior high--a goat. I still remember the first part, "Except for the knack of always getting off on the wrong foot with people, the goat can be charming company." And it has been true--most people don't know my goofy side at first. It is buried underneath 8 loads of laundry and my still-unpacked suitcases from Chicago. And my very serious job of mothering and wife-ing. And my passion for growing in the Lord and healing from the past and who has time to just be silly?? But I have been lonely lately, and wondering how I could reach out more to other women, who I would start with, how it would work, and what it would look like. And why the times I've tried to reach out have been discouraging or kind of puttered out. Petered out? Sputtered out? You know what I mean. I suppose friendships can't be built in one attempt, eh?

Seventeenth Step

2009-05-08T14:46:00.009-04:00

This step was to take care of myself with my pregnancy. I had an appt. with my midwife, and had the wonderful time of just talking and relaxing at her home, asking questions and then finally getting to hear the heartbeat and measure "how big." Everything was fine, and my urinalysis test strip was PERFECT she said. She said she hadn't seen one that perfect for a long time. So I got a gold star for the day, even though I really caught up in the weight dept. (I had gained maybe 8 lbs. by 22 wks, but I am making up for it now)! So I'm 28 wks. now, and the baby will be here in no time! Since we have home births, it is such a joy to have a continuous care provider for prenatal care, the birth, and postnatal care. I love my midwife!

For more on home birth, go to storknet.com or gentlebirth.org, or do your own search on home birth on Google. I definitely believe women should give birth where they are most comfortable, but that they should also do the work of being as informed as possible about the risks and benefits of their birth choices. Some books I recommend are The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin (a little zany, but some good stats), The Christian Woman's Guide to Childbirth by Debra Evans, The Christian Childbirth Handbook by Jennifer Vanderlaan, and there are many more. To get your own test strips to check your pH, hydration, protein, sugar, etc., go to saveontests.com.

Sixteenth Step

2009-05-07T18:34:00.000-04:00

Step 16 was going to a farm to pick up milk and eggs for several families in my area. I go once a month, and then drop off the goods to a central house where people pick them up. The animals are taken care of really well, and it is REALLY good milk and eggs. When I first cooked the eggs, I was like, "These are so GOLDEN YELLOW. Unreal!" And the milk is beyond whole milk, because I am not ashamed to say we just shake the cream into it. We trust the farm so much that I feel comfortable with using the milk (and even the eggs) raw, which means it still has the enzymes needed to digest it. Another plus is that the jars and egg containers are reused each week. Next week a different family will go pick up, and so on. It is fun for the kids to see some cows and horses too, and see where at least some of their food comes from. Howdy doody!

Fifteenth Step

2009-05-06T17:48:00.000-04:00

Today was simple. I have a confession: We have been throwing out steel cans and aluminum cans for a while now because even after our attempts to clean them out, their messiness/stickiness was infiltrating all the recycling containers. So today I rescued two cans and since I am now taking the recycling every one or two weeks and am only using one container, it shouldn't be a problem. Plus my spouse does not get in on the vote because his garage is no longer involved. Smiles, honey.

Fourteenth Step

2009-05-06T01:36:00.000-04:00

Fourteenth step was all about unpacking and restocking the fridge...the clothes, laundry and suitcases are still in disarray, but I rescued recyclables from the van and loaded them with other recycling into the back, and went to the store. Also decided not to waste packaging and money on junk food at the store--no nutrition, wasteful and so expensive. Dave Ramsey would have said I should just get rice and beans anyway, if that's what we can afford. I did get more than that, especially some yummy fresh produce because we were running low on everything after a week long trip. Here is a picture of my staple produce items I try to always keep on hand, so if I'm out of one I just automatically get it at the store even if I have no immediate plan for its use. I know, this is utterly fascinating!!

Spinach: salads, green smoothies
Romaine: salads, juicing, crunchy goodness (this is my lettuce of choice this pregnancy)
Carrots: a recipe, soup and salad staple, juicing, carrot sticks
Baby Carrots: when I'm too lazy for carrot sticks, kids' lunches
Strawberries: another pregnancy favorite, and kid favorite too. I usually can't cut them fast enough for us all.
Celery: recipes and salads, juicing, celery sticks
Broccoli: our weekly broccoli salad, recipes, throw in crockpot with some chicken & seasonings
Green pepper (and other color if on sale or get the 3-pack at Aldi): pepper sticks, salads, juicing

Thirteenth Step

2009-05-04T22:29:00.000-04:00

Thirteenth Step was doing gluten-free on the road...at the Indianapolis Children's Museum we had cafeteria-style options, which was worrisome to me at first. But I found a kids' deal where you "choose 4" and I picked grilled chicken bites, hot dog bites, green beans, and potato smiles (wasn't convinced they were gluten-free so I didn't sneak a bite). Then I had a Cobb salad that was pretty good and had lots of protein on top. And for dinner at the Outback Steakhouse, I was pleasantly surprised to find they had a gluten-free menu!! Complete with a FLOURLESS BROWNIE! I was really floored...really felt like Jesus was giving me some special treatment. I appreciate simple things more on the road as a gluten-free traveler, like finding that Fritos or M&Ms are GF--but to find GF brownies at a restaurant is just unheard of. It just seemed like God was showing me He cares about the little things too. And we only had fast food once this week, which is astounding and so satisfying because the only real choice is a burger without a bun unless it's a Mexican place.

Here are some cute pics from the Indianapolis Children's Museum--the biggest children's museum in the world! It would have been impossible without Daddy--he kept us together. Since we've all been reunited, me and the kids are all still tottering toward him like zombies with our arms out chanting, "Daddy, daddy...we can't get enough of you!"

More Photos from Thirteenth Step

2009-05-04T22:25:00.000-04:00

Twelfth Step

2009-05-04T02:11:00.000-04:00

OK, in a traditional 12 step program I would be all done now! Except in Celebrate Recovery, we learn that it's not "12 steps, 12 days, I'm done." Average time for real change in peoples' lives = 18 months. Soooooo, you are stuck with me for a while. We are taking one day at a time with these baby steps in healthy living...so my twelfth step involved being proactive and not being codependent with our travel plans. I was excited to go downtown on Saturday with Roberto and the kids, but we just could not do it with the mental and physical energy we had. We had trouble figuring out an alternate plan, but most of the options involved giving up going downtown. So I prayed and spent some time with God and was disappointed, but tried to figure out what reality would be like if we went. And realized that I would be feeling like it was all on my shoulders to "make it work" and figure out parking, what we were doing, where we were going because I'm from Chicago area and am more comfortable with the city. And if things started to go wrong or kids were stretched too far, I realized I would feel responsible and also guilty if we ended up spending more money than we planned, etc. So it was good to see that I was taking on too much responsibility for the whole trip and did not need to be responsible for making sure Robert didn't get stressed out because he's not a city boy.

Putting the whole situation before God and saying, "What's your will for today?" was hard because I had such a desire to go get the "feel" of the city, my fix for the year. I had been looking forward to going downtown all week, but ultimately it would have been too much for me too after a busy, tiring (but good) visit. We decided to rest, let the kids take a nap for only the 2nd time that week, and pack up to go the a hotel in Indianapolis area. Then go to the children's museum there before we drove the rest of the way home. It was good to admit I couldn't handle it, and that I would have felt immense pressure to make the whole downtown thing work out well to prove we (I) could do it. Facing reality and the truth of what I could handle was humbling, but I am glad that God stopped me in my tracks. It's His protection, really. Plus I think He really wanted to provide a day of rest because the kids and I are still fighting (old) colds.

My other breakthrough was realizing the way I like to travel. I don't like not having an idea where we're going to stay along the way (especially when we told Clarissa the hotel would have a pool), so I researched online before we left and had 2 options based on how far we could maybe get. This was good, because there was no way we could've gotten to the further option. And the hotel was perfect!! Pool, jacuzzi, free breakfast, big fridge for all our cooler items, and 2 QUEEN beds. None of this double bed business. Robert would rather wing it and assume it will work out, but I was able to say, "No, I like the security of having a couple set options and the phone numbers with me (since we don't have a blackberry or any such device for on-the-road research), so I'll take responsibility for what is important to me and research before we leave." I know it sounds lame, but this was a big step for me. And I called on the way to make sure both had several nonsmoking rooms. I'm not an over-the-top planner, but I think planning is peachy when it gives me peace of mind. And Clare had been excited about a hotel stay all week (I had hoped it was going to be a Chicago hotel, but laid that down), so she was happy as a clam to be there.

Eleventh Step

2009-05-02T13:07:00.000-04:00

This is a good week for gluten-free...this week we made the best GF cookies I've ever had, and had a really good coconut curry with rice noodles and chicken at noodles & company yesterday. My eleventh step involved more gluten-free cooking...to make the best pancakes I've ever had! They were fluffy and yummy and hit the spot! No pictures this time--Daddy's finally back and we're going to have a Chicago vacation day! But I might post the recipe later when we are not busy on the town.

Tenth Step

2009-05-01T18:46:00.000-04:00

Woo wee, flying along here. Ten days already! This step involves fun with the kids. We went to the Dupage Children's Museum in Naperville (if you are ever in the Chicago area, I highly recommend it! We could have spent more hours there) and built some stuff. We also had fun with water, air, light--what's more natural than the elements? Well, I don't think light is technically an element, could be wrong. I think it's fire. I have found that my 2 and 4 year-olds are much more capable of handling multiple fun things than I thought they were. They're pretty exhausted, but this week we have been to the Brookfield Zoo, a play place called Little Monkey Business, and this children's museum and they had a great time even though we were all wiped out by the end. I love how kids just learn naturally when they are exposed to new things. So enjoy these little learner pics! (see below)

More Photos from Tenth Step

2009-05-01T18:44:00.000-04:00

Ninth Step

2009-05-01T00:43:00.000-04:00

We are still in Chicago, so step 9 was an improvised green smoothie from what I could find here on hand. Charlie isn't into greens too much, so green smoothies are a great way to get some dark greens into him. I took frozen strawberries and blueberries and blended them with plain yogurt and some OJ (maybe 1/2 cup), then added a couple bananas and piled the rest high with spinach. Usually I'll try to use bananas that aren't brown but too ripe for happy consumption, and maybe an apple and/or an orange I'm trying to get rid of. But don't worry, my smoothies have a lot of lovin' in them even though they involve leftover fruits. I don't usually add ice but I did this time because it wasn't cold enough for me since I didn't use as much frozen fruit.

One of my favorite green smoothie combos is about 3/4 cup of plain yogurt, Aldi's fiesta frozen fruit mix, frozen cherries, maybe frozen blueberries, an orange, a banana or two, maybe an apple, a big squirt of lemon, a dash of salt, and spinach or SWISS CHARD. Sometimes swiss chard calls to me in the grocery store, but that is the only thing I've ever used it for. You can also use celery, romaine lettuce, kale, or any other leafy green for your greens. But beware of turnip or collard greens--my blender can't handle them very well b/c the leaves are so thick, and then the smoothie turns out, well, as Moto Moto would say "You's chunkin'..." If you have a vitamix, then I am coveting it. Waiting for my blender to blow up before we get one of those.

Eighth Step

2009-04-29T19:36:00.000-04:00

What could be more natural than cookies? Okay, you might think it's a stretch, but there really was a goal here. In these pictures, we are on a quest ("What kind of a quest?" Pippin asks) to find a good gluten-free cookie recipe. And since we are staying with a resident cookie expert, I decided to enlist her help. Mary Lee has killer cookies, and I was incredibly sad when we went gluten-free that I would not be able to partake of them any longer. But never fear--we did make some killer cookies, definitely by gluten-free standards, and most probably would not notice they were gluten-free except that we were dealing with such a connoiseur. Mary Lee thought they were slightly grainy, but I said, "You haven't had gluten-free cookies before! There's some really bad gluten-free stuff out there." Which us gluten-free people know that it's like a slap in the face when the gluten-free ones are bad because you have paid $5.50 for said cookies.

Here comes some gluten-free advice. People who've been gluten-free for under a year, beware: Do not go on a gluten-free buying spree. Take someone who has made those foolish mistakes along with you. And anything you make yourself will be at least 5X better than anything at the store, because gluten-free stuff doesn't last that long, and to get it shelf-ready does diminish the quality, if it even tasted OK to begin with. Also, skip the bread mixes and make your own flour mixes ala Carol Fenster cookbooks or online recipes...you'll never find gluten-free bread as good as you can make it. But sadly, once you have good bread again, you'll go through bread too fast to solely depend on baking it yourself. And it will probably have a lot of of "white" type flours in it. I would like to "brown up" the gluten-free options out there, but it is definitely hard to make good-tasting brown rice bread, for instance (I did find a recipe online tonight though that I will try soon). As Moto Moto would say, "EH-nee-ways," let's get on with the cookies already.

More photos from Eighth Step

2009-04-29T19:25:00.000-04:00

Seventh Step

2009-04-29T01:36:00.000-04:00

I am fighting the guilt...the past couple of days have been so basic I know. But I have had waterbottles sitting on my counter for a couple of weeks waiting to be refilled, and I rush through and maybe fill one and tear through it so fast in my pregnant dehydrated state, and never have the patience to fill them all, and don't want to open any new ones because I have these to refill (Note on refilling: filling with filtered water is usually done from my fridge because it has the smallest "stream" and is already cold, but it takes a lot of leaning over staring at the crumbs on the carpet and waiting waiting waiting). I know #1 plastic is not to be used over and over ideally, but as long as I watch them not being in a hot car or going in the dishwasher, I think it's okay until one gets a significant dent that keeps it from standing up. Then I recycle it. I don't have a regular "water bottle habit" where I pop open a new one each day or week; they are usually acquired in random ways, slowly over time. But as fascinating as this topic is, I find it necessary to expound even more. I grow attached to certain ones, and finding the dented one that is causing them all to fall over like bowling pins can sometimes be sad. "Oh, the Dasani one. That has a good top, not so thin that you can barely screw it back on again" (I know, they're conserving plastic at least). Well, it had a good life. But here's my big step for the day: For our trip to Chicago, I filled the graveyard of empty ones ALL up to the brim. Nice cold, abundant, refreshing water--luxurious and plentiful. We drank them ALL dry in the van. But I am parched. Going to get some now.

Sixth Step

2009-04-27T23:10:00.000-04:00

OK, another small, simple step. I have to be honest, for a while now I have been throwing away recyclables upstairs because throwing them down the laundry chute to the basement and then finding them throughout the clothes and having to sift them out and bring them up to the basement landing was getting annoying. So excuses, excuses--I finally dug out some little boxes from the bathroom trash and saved them from the landfill (hopefully--sometimes I'm not sure I trust those recycling companies...not for any informed reason, but because the bins are always overflowing in our town). And I put a little box for recyclables that is probably too small under the table next to the stairs for easy take-down-the-stairs capability. I will find a bigger one if necessary, maybe big enough for paper from the office now that our town has paper recycling instead of just newspapers. There is no curbside pickup, so I take everything when I'm out and about.

Little boxes and plastic bottles in the trash are the little things I've been guilty about for months and "meaning to do something about" for just as long. My brother, an environmental expert, says that recycling is not the best thing you can do--reusing and not using in the first place is better, along with making your home more energy efficient. But this mom is glad to at least be doing something. Hopefully I'll be able to take bigger steps like composting or collecting rain as times goes on. But again, no guilt. I just want to be a good steward of the resources we have on this earth and use them wisely, without making life impossible for me or my family. BTW, we got to Chicago OK after an exhausting day! The kids are in bed and I'm about to be. Another BTW, don't you love our desperate peach toilet and lime green plastic tile? Now that is a bathroom that could use some LOVE.

Fifth Step

2009-04-26T17:06:00.000-04:00

I made some broccoli salad for my fifth day. I generally try to make it about once a week because it keeps everything moving, if you know what I mean. Charlie's not into it, but Clarissa usually chomps some down. Robert's eyes usually light up and he says, "Whoa, broccoli salad!" which usually means he needs some fiber. :) Here's the veggie ingredients:

-1 head of broccoli, chopped pretty small and limited use of stems (you can make broccoli slaw with those stems and some carrots later if you want--just double the dressing and refrigerate for no longer than 3 or 4 days)
-2 stalks of celery, chopped small (I slice lengthwise 2 or three times and then chop away)
-2 carrots, peeled and chopped small (again, I slice the carrot in two or three pieces, then lengthwise a few times and then chop the sticks small).
-1 bell pepper (I usually use any pepper but green, but green was all I had this time)
-either green peas or raisins, depending on your mood (I didn't add either this time)
-sunflower seeds or chopped walnuts, if you go the raisin route
-1 small onion, chopped small (this time I took some out for the kids before adding the onion--usually don't do this but had mercy because Clare says they are spicy)

Dressing:

-3/4 cup vegenaise (can use mayo or miracle whip, but I like the end consistency with vegenaise)
-2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
-2 Tbsp raw honey, if you can find it
-1 Tbsp or less of olive oil (I just turn it over once for a brief moment--I think it helps with consistency & coating the veggies)
-juice from half a lemon (optional)

Whisk together in separate measuring cup and pour over veggies. Stir, and voila! You can add a little sea salt if you'd like too. Crunchy goodness, always best the first day but will last about 3 days. Warning: Raisins can get swollen (I don't like that so I try to put my raisins in as I serve it), and peas can get mushy past a couple days. To get it eaten within three days, I really push it at every meal after I make it (well, I give us a break at breakfast). Go raw salads!

Fourth Step

2009-04-25T18:33:00.000-04:00

After a very involved third step, I knew I wanted to keep the fourth one really simple. I kind of stumbled onto it. I dumped out my old purse while looking for my sunglasses, and besides discovering a ROTTEN EGG (I almost lost my lunchies), I found something I'd done a couple of months ago at MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers group at church). It was a laminated card with 2 Bible verses on it, which I had chosen specifically for my kids and put each of their names into "his or her" verse. Clare's is Psalm 5:11 and Charlie's is Proverbs 3:7-8. All I did was finally cut them out of the laminated sheet and put them in my windowsill. But it has been encouraging to pray for them through those verses while I wash dishes, and it sparks other prayers for them. I've enjoyed praying through The Power of a Praying Wife for them each day too--I'll pray for Clare with one chapter and Charlie for the next, then the next day pray for Clare with the Charlie chapter from the day before and so on. Cleaning out the purse was an added bonus, although I need to air it out some more. I hope the rotten egg smell does not stay permanently (at least the baggie had not leaked). So dumping a purse = a step toward spiritual health for me and my kids. But I still need some sunglasses! It's a beautiful weekend out there.

Third Step

2009-04-24T17:34:00.000-04:00

So I'm not a cleanie by any means, but my fridge was getting gross. Something that had been smelling stopped smelling--a bad sign. Maybe it just gave up hope of being found, or petrified (putrified?) into something else. Whatever the case, there was nastiness that needed to be dealt with. Even I have my limits! Plus I couldn't use the whole back half of the second shelf because of stickiness, so my "shove" method of putting things in was not working. This clearly called for some action. I informally enlisted both of my kids to help, Charlie during Clare's Thursday school, and Clare during the rest of Charlie's nap (since she has some insomniac nap days at 4 yrs of age, which I truly want to keep as limited as possible because I like to have my quiet time then and sleep too). Really they probably started helping because it looked cool and different.

Charlie was way into it for the first hour (impressive time span for him) and even washed his stepstool. A boy with a scrub brush is a beautiful thing. But later he resorted to washing his cars and animals in the sink, which was fine with me because he was already soaked. Mommy had to say, "Excuse me buddy, I need to wash this shelf" while he tried to drive cars over it. I thought that the 2 hours during Thursday school would be enough, but it got really tight toward the end: "Oh no, I have all this milk & food out and still have to clean more shelves and wipe down the walls and floor and put it all back together again in half an hour!" So Charlie was banished from helping at that point. Plus my mom called: "Are you busy?" "Yeah, mom, I'm balancing a massive piece of glass as big as both sinks that smells like whatever rotten brown stuff dripped from the second shelf..." I guess cleaning woke up the smell again--it was not going to go without a fight.

Method: I filled the sink and added regular Dawn dishsoap, then a capful of ecover all purpose cleaner, then the juice of an old sad lemon. I also filled a bowl with the same combination to keep closer to the fridge. In the end I ended up using only 4 paper towels, but needed many dishtowels to wipe and dry things. I found ecover lost its steam after a while, at least in terms of bubbles, and I had to add more a couple times. So after washing the drawer or shelf in the sink I started spraying it with biokleen all purpose cleaner and wiping it dry. I also made sure to wash the bottom of jars etc. (Charlie dipped in the sink first and I wiped with a towel) so that they didn't get the original scum on my new shelves. I ended up getting rid of some old dressings, preserves, fancy condiments we never used, so there was enough space to put all the bottles and condiments in the door instead of floating around on the shelves and getting knocked over by my "shove" method of fridge loading. I also put in a bin for yogurt containers, loose items and things that could potentially get messy, so then they would just scuz it up with sticky circles or spill in the bin (I really don't think of things like this usually, must be pregnant nesting hormones). I was in a rush when I put everything back in, but I think it makes a little more sense. And I now have a shelf for the big plain yogurt, cottage cheese, sour cream, pickles to be on--those are things that always hid in different places and tended to secretly expire. One thing that was tricky was sorting and getting stuff out without losing too much cold air. Maybe I should have turned the fridge off, but, ahem, I can't move it out at this stage of my pregnancy (you know, because when I'm not pregnant my bionic woman powers come back).

We got the fridge as a wedding gift from Robert's parents to replace the original one that had lime green innards, and honestly, I don't think I have cleaned it like that in 6.5 years of marriage. So it was like a second honeymoon when Robert got home, hahaha. He was so proud. He did help adjust a shelf so that the eggs fit on the 2nd shelf without affecting the tall stuff on top. Brilliant spatial minds baffle me! The natural cleaners did the trick though--don't be afraid to just buy one at a health food store and try it instead of attempting to make your own. Here's to a third step and a brand new fridge! I get goosebumps every time I open it.

More Photos from Third Step

2009-04-24T16:42:00.000-04:00

Second Step

2009-04-23T15:37:00.000-04:00

I have been trying to juice for two weeks now, and finally got the motivation to do it as my "second step" for making natural living a reality. That veggie juice does wonders for my family's digestion! And it's a great way to get my son more veggies, because he loves juice but only has 2 voluntary veggies of choice without doing the "take two bites" rule: green beans and raw carrots with ranch dressing. We could all take lessons from Clarissa, on the other hand--she crunches down raw broccoli, cauli, carrots, green beans, cherry tomatoes, peppers, snow peas, radishes, FIRST and WITHOUT any dressing. She's amazing. But they were both good little helpers in the midst of all the juicing excitement! My usual veggies are two 3 lb bags of carrots, one head of celery, 1/2 green pepper, and 5-6 romaine leaves. Split evenly between "rounds" of juicing. Plus I highly recommend my Green Star juicer! (an ebay Mother's Day gift)

First Step

2009-04-23T02:38:00.000-04:00

Okay, it's way late, so I'll be quick. Yesterday I took a small step. After forgetting for months and just being lucky to get both kids and my coupons inside the grocery store, I finally BROUGHT IN the reusable bags with me. And remembered to ask the clerk (guiltily) if she could use them, along with reusing some plastic bags I had. It's kind of a pain for them! Instead of using those handy rotating plastic bag things, they have to dump everything into a huge bag on top of the "bagging island," or uncrinkle and open the old plastic bags, many of which were from a competing store. But by having my big reusable ones, I liked not having to lift so many dinky plastic bags, and knowing they weren't going to break and tear like our plastic friends. I even remembered to bring into the store and recycle an old bag of plastic bags that had been in my van for a few months waiting to be remembered along with my reusable bags. My pregnant brain must have taken a field day, because I also got the recycling into and out of the van in one day (I'm not counting that as my step though, since I have done that each week for the past 4 weeks--before that, mounds of recycling would pile up in my garage until I found out my husband was about to lose his sanity over it). So woo hoo for one small step into making natural living a reality!

Each Day

2009-04-22T01:18:00.000-04:00

This blog is a forum for moms to sort out what's really important to us in terms of living naturally, and to support each other so that we can make it a reality. I have done a ton of research on natural living related to birth, mothering kids and keeping a healthy household, but whether that translates into daily life is another story. So for this blog, I plan to do something simple each day to support natural, healthy living for my family (as defined by me, thankfully). My goals are to keep it real, get communication going about how to prioritize and set realistic goals, and again, not allow comparison and faking it to poison our relationships as moms. There are so many choices about how we spend our time and energy as moms: figuring out how to make healthy "doable" meals, making homemade cleaners, combining coupons and grocery store sales, creating fun learning outlets for the kids, rigging up a tent in the living room. I have had to learn after much frustration that I CANNOT DO IT ALL. A couple of months ago, overwhelmed by the state of my house after 4 months of pregnancy nausea & sickness, I took on a "do one thing everyday to make it better" mindset. I will take a step each day and not get hung up on ALL I'M NOT DOING. I'm not going to give a big summary of "who I am," because hopefully you'll discover that over time...even though this blog won't be about just green living, I think I'll post my first "real natural mom" attempt on Earth Day.