Fifty-Third Step

OK, I admit it. My dishwasher and I are kind of sort of competing with each other. I am challenging it to perform to the highest possible standards--with things stacked strategically and with it packed as full as I can get it to get the most bang for my buck in terms of water usage, and using ecover natural detergent to boot, e.g. it's not getting any breaks with a high-powered nasty detergent either. So despite me not being very easy on it, it is answering back that it can handle it! And that gives me joy every time I open and unload it to admire its handiwork. I truly am impressed, dishywasher. But we will keep upping the ante, a friendly battle of wills. Because we all know that in the heart of every appliance there is a temptation to be lazy, to give up, or to perform less than its best. Don't do it, dishy. I'm counting on you.

P.S. Hey, as long as we're talking and getting things out in the open, D, could you improve in the caked-on egg arena? Look, I've paid my dues for 5 years, scrubbing dishes by hand. You've only been working this joint for 2 years! And you have an electric spinny-arm thingy. I definitely don't have one of those, unless I happened to secretly be a villain on Spiderman.

Fifty-Second Step

Whew, I didn't realize I left the blogosphere on such a heavy note. :) Lately we're purging the house. This started because of listening to Dave Ramsey too much--he has inspired us to get rid of debt once and for all. And not to pay for our house 3 times over (not that we're planning on being here that long, but only like 40 bucks goes to principal each month? Silly!). So we each listened to Total Money Makeover on our ipods (would Dave approve?) and tried to come up with solutions and get "gazelle intense." We don't have car loans to knock off by selling a vehicle, or any school loans. This seems like a good thing, but with our budget so tight and only one income, it seemed the only solution to start getting ahead of Chase Bank (where we have a little bit of debt, not getting bigger, but not going away--it doesn't magically go away, did you guys know that?) was, "What can we sell??" And I became determined to have a yard sale before the snow started falling.

I know that the basement has needed truckloads hauled out of it for a while now. But this yard sale on Saturday has given me extra incentive. Plus we want to make a play area in the basement for the kids, and a "craft" area for me so I can pretend I'm crafty (and keep my unfinished projects in one place at least). Haha. I'll let you know how it goes!! It is hard to let God continue to break "the comfort of stuff" that I've had since childhood--if things are chaotic around me, I always have FOOD and my STUFF. That worked when my metabolism was high and my grandpa was sending me money for my checking account. Not true anymore for either of those. :) I'm a grown-up now, in theory, and with Christ's help I can let go of those things that bind me. Heaven knows I'm not enjoying stumbling over boxes of kids' clothes, my saxaphone from 5th grade, random babyproofed decor that got sent to the basement (go to your room, vase from Arizona! We like you but you're too expensive to be a drum!), a desk I was saving for when we homeschool next year but I just realized is backwards (has the desk BEHIND the seat, must have been pregnant when I got that) and rotated-out toys that have never gotten rotated back in. Not enjoying it one bit, precious. So I am cutting the cord. Bye bye, stuff we don't use. Hello, more room for the people who matter, and hello, more space to breathe! It's like on Matrix where he takes a deep breath and "warbles out" the space around him like it's breathing too--I just picture our house taking a big breath (whoomp) and letting it out after we're done. I certainly will. And I'll slick back my hair too, and wear ratty clothes, and answer my landline phone frantically...

Fifty-First Step

Posting a poem. From that college project I found. I was studying religious poetry, specifically urban religious poetry. Only at a liberal arts school, baby. I think this poem is in some form that I don't remember, it's kind of sad I can relate to it still, disclaimer, disclaimer. But I am further now in my healing, praise God.

Here it is:

For Whom the Lord Loves

"Do not reject the discipline of the Lord." -Prov. 3:11

"But they lie in wait for their own blood;
They ambush their own lives." -Prov. 1:18

I spat out the Lord's reproof, wholly
to find that he stretched out a hand
armed with warm blood, an absence.
How many times would I withhold

this life already given? He held ground
that had never been broken, for lives
that before had only beheld Him
thickly, for no real length of time.

To be able to stare--is that what
I have been wanting? Yes, of late
I have looked directly ahead. Yes,
the Lord loves to correct me,

His delight, one dug from the grave,
writhing. But I am kept from wisdom
by hands and feet clumped together
under one name, streets loud with shame

and my neck red as I about face
Him, covered in devices, my own
derision. Have I kept sound wisdom?
Am I lying in wait, my blood rushing?

Fiftieth Step

Woo hoo! This is the 50th step celebration. Watch out, this is also the potential spewing of everything I have been waiting to spew for 8 weeks. Abriana is 8 weeks old at 11:41 tonight, and despite facing some nursing challenges and strange sleeplessness (the eyes popping open after nursing so long I'm sure she's knocked out), my most common name for her is "sweetheart." "You're such a booper scooper" (and then chomping on her cheek) seems to be the next most common phrase, a slight variation of Clarissa's name (scoopy doo) and less like Charlie's (schnookie boy).

Sweetheart is unpredictable and often chomps still with nursing, but I do still love her so. I often wonder if others really think she's cute, or just think she's "small" and therefore, in the cute category. It doesn't really matter; I think she's gorgeous. Just a little pimply right now, and her eyes can still get a little goopy from slight tear duct blockage. Looks a lot like Clarissa but with darker hair, especially when Daddy holds her and she turns her head facing out and her hair is sticking out about 2 inches past her head in that Don King fashion. That is just like Clarissa's Christmas picture that we sent out, but Abriana will not be getting anything sent out, except electronically. She has been lucky to at least get a Facebook posting with some pics. You can also check out our website for a link to some pics, for those who have the address. I won't post the address here because this is a public page. Sorry, folks. I am still trying to get the camera downloaded to get some more current ones out there. It has been fun to see God enlarging my heart as we welcome each child--emotionally I feel better able to love a new baby than ever, even as crazy as things are. I look back on the postpartum time with Clarissa and still see a lot of healing possible; I shudder inside and at times feel sick when I think of how hard that was. When I compare it to Abriana, I feel blessed, clear-headed, and only overwhelmed 25% of the time compared to 100% with Clarissa. :) Maybe 50% overwhelmed with the house though.

I am feeling very emotional today, a bit sad and low, like I'm just looking for something to cry about. I have found some things. It's terribly disappointing to me to get through a weekend and not "go anywhere fun." To start another week without getting out as a family (which I am dependent still on Robert for in some ways--it's hard to get anywhere myself with all 3, especially when she may not nurse well and I have to come home to have a good session) is pretty depressing. It's like, "What's the point? I just have to do another week of the SAME THING." I muscled my way through and got us to go to a fair last Sunday, which was comically small and not worth the 1.5-hour drive, so this weekend I was humbled and only flashed the "Go!" section at Robert and dreamed aloud about all the (free) things we could do, but did not push anything through. So nothing happened. If I am not the master of my destiny, why does it feel like I have to push and push to get fun into my life?? Why does it seem so hard to get together with friends--with other moms or with other families on the weekend? Where's the spontaneity? I feel like I don't know where to begin, because don't want to get too much on the plate but want to start somewhere.

A baby step. I tried to get up the courage to invite someone to go walking with me during Thursday school but chickened out with two different people because with one I was "sure she already had plans for that morning" and with the other I lost her in the shuffle and never got to ask. Need to plan in advance I suppose. And need to decide if Charlie is really "ready" to go there, when I am pretty sure he's not and I only want him to do it if it's fun for him--with us planning to homeschool, it's not like he has to get used to a classroom environment and getting shuttled from place to place. They said he had the hardest time (cried and cried) during "transitions," and when he wouldn't participate and had to sit in a chair. That makes me so sad!! Getting corrected by new people is so hard for a sensitive little boy--so hard for anyone, because I STILL remember the mortified feeling of getting corrected. Plus he is not completely potty trained, by any means. I was telling a dear friend that I basically potty train on Tuesday and Wednesday before Thursday school, and then leave it alone the rest of the week. It's mostly me, not much effort or initiation on his part unless it involves a prize or McQueen underwear. I just feel like if we take him out, halfway through the year he'll feel sad and left out (or I will feel sad at the Christmas program, or like we failed somehow), and it's more efficient to have two in and one out--it would be a lot of effort to get there, with just Clarissa benefiting. But she loves it.

Yesterday I did something productive though, even if it wasn't so fun. I started to clean out the basement, and got dust in my brain I think. Was so foggy today, and my nose feels choked up and my eyes are red and raw. Not happy that I passed these allergies on to my little boy (and food allergies to maybe all my kids), who is currently wheezing a little due to his slight asthma whenever he gets a cold virus. If he runs, he starts coughing and worrying me. How do you tell a 2-year-old not to run? Anyway. In the basement I found my poetry project from my senior year in college, and one of the lines is "Smite me. I am not being honest." I so admire my dear friend who is so real and open in her blog, and love reading it. I was crying tonight while reading it, because she's so special and I hadn't read it for a while. I love getting to know her even more through this unique voice into her life. I have been reevaluating what to do here, since daily posting is a major thing of the past--even monthly posting, judging by my last blog date. :) I do want to share our life with people, and the things I'm learning. So I'll just keep to that as my focus. I don't have beautiful crafts to show you or amazing parenting adventures, but I have real struggles and real victories. Laughing with my kids tonight and pretending they were babies honking my nose was a victory for me. Last night I was thinking, after reading a historical fiction book by Lori Whitstone? about Dakota Indians, if I were to get a Native American name for bravery that I would be totally proud of, it would be Loves Children. I am not there yet. I love certain children whose families I know and love, but am generally still afraid of the child population in general. Not in a freaked out phobia kind of way, but in an apprehensive, keep my distance kind of way. Cleaning out the basement of my life (I think I'm borrowing that image from a friend; you'll just have to trust me that she doesn't want to be quoted directly) means clearing out what being a kid meant to me, and the fear I faced. Life was unpredictable, and being a kid was dangerous. So I valued acting like a grown up. Now I want to learn how to be a kid again!! Lord, help me. It's hard to let go of the stuff that weighs me down. Being in slavery to things, the feeling that my stuff was what I had to cling to growing up, is not necessary anymore. And the feeling that only "serious" things are important. I want to make a playroom for my kids down there. And for me.

Forty-Ninth Step

Well, I'm back again! I took an unintentional break while my mom got married, my husband had a birthday, and my energy has been limited this 3rd pregnancy. Only 2.5 weeks or so until baby! Unless I am 5 days late like usual. I have decided instead of trying to post everyday (I almost made it 50 posts before my "break"), I'm going to just post when I do a RNM step. So there will be less guilt and more realness, because sometimes my steps were just thinking what I did that day and trying to incorporate it into the blog. Ha! As if you couldn't tell. I'll also just keep you posted on what's going on with us, like most blogs do.

For this step I communicated my needs and wants in order to plan the birth I've always dreamed of but have not gotten to experience yet...a water birth. Robert didn't want to set the tub up again because we didn't get to use it at all with Charlie since he came so fast (less than 2 hours). He had to deal with the tub and felt like he missed a lot of the birth, and it still only got 1/3 of the way full. So we are filling it in advance and draining it every 72 hours until I go. I'm glad to have the option if it works to have this babe in there!! It's so gentle for baby, and the warm water helps tissues soften and stretch, and with my big babies, I'll take all the help I can get!! My midwife thinks this one is smaller; I say it depends on how long I am pregnant. If I'm 5 days late, that's another 1/2 lb. right there! We will see, very soon...

Forty-Eighth Step

Well, we tried to create some free family fun today and go to a hot air balloon festival, but found it had ended the night before despite what the website said. So we found a restaurant in the area and went for a walk along a river. We rolled with the punches, but the festival sounded really neat, so we have it on the calendar for next year. C'est la vie, mes amis!

Forty-Seventh Step

Today we had a picnic at an arboretum, just me and the kids. We needed to find something to do while Daddy works on a landscaping job for friends. It was a peaceful afternoon! The best part is that the kids can RUN AND RUN without me having to worry too much about cars. Charlie built a fire by gathering sticks, and sister made some yummy soup. Then she climbed a tree. I felt proud that we did something fun without daddy with the little energy I had.

Forty-Sixth Step

I've been working on my life story and how God's worked in my life (testimony) for Celebrate Recovery, and met with my sponsor for this step. It's hard to be vulnerable, but I feel pretty good about sharing what God's done through CR. I'll be giving it June 16!

Forty-Fifth Step

This was a stay-at-home-and-pray-to-God-that-you-actually-clean kind of day. So I vacuumed the LR, stairs, and the upstairs (dear hubbin had already done the rest of the downstairs). I did not, however, empty the 4 clean laundry baskets and rumpled suitcase from the Utah trip that were on the bed in the office. I decided that boycotting it isn't working, though, and need strength from the Lord to conquer this mountain (literally).

Food and clothes are so boring! You know what I mean, don't you? My two main responsibilities, everyday: getting food in people, and clothes on people. Jesus said the body is more than food and clothes, so it seems the opposite of spiritual to always be working on those very things, guilty about late or unplanned meals, trying to provide clean underwear for all. That last part sounds so noble!

But we all know that there were superheros ON underoos, but never an "Amazing Underoo Woman" superhero. You have to admit, I've got you there! But I - am - that - hero! Providing peace and underwear for all. I think as I was saving the world I'd have to say over and over, "No, not wonder woman, underoo woman!" I guess I need to read more of Brother Lawrence and remind myself there can be peace and communion with God even while spending hours in the kitchen or doing laundry in the basement, in my incognito disguise, of course. Please don't reveal my identity, RNM readers.

Forty-Fourth Step

We had a picnic outside for this step, and enjoyed the sunny day...we started out in the sun but none of us could see so I unloaded our plates from the blanket and dragged it into the shade. I considered pulling the blanket over with the plates and drinks still on top of it, but my ninja skills might have pulled the blanket out from under the plates anyway, which would have defeated the purpose. My ninja skills always create awkward situations, such as with blanket tricks or with karate chopping, say, a cashier when she forgets to put in a coupon and tells me to go to the service desk to get 70 cents and my 2-year-old is completely done with the store. Just hypothetical, of course.

Forty-Third Step

This step was to drag out the big baby pool, clean it out, and get it functional for the summer. And let the kids take a dip, of course! Here's to cheap summer fun! And the pool itself was free, so double bonus. They were more daring than last year, so the slide was making me nervous, and they might feel a little more crowded, especially since they like to have a million toys in there, but they seemed to enjoy it just fine. Another bonus was reusing water--they decided to water plants with the pool water, because it was clean enough for plants to drink, right?



What is it about water, anyway? So refreshing and fun, yet dangerous or messy when in the wrong place at the wrong time. We are mostly made of water, but we can drown in water. We need to drink water, but we can die from having too much (like you read about in those marathons). We get rid of water by sweating out little pores (how odd!) or eliminating it; but we always maintain some kind of homeostasis. We ride across the water in boats; we swim through it but don't naturally belong in it. It's kind of addictive, especially during pregnancy, and I want to drink as much as possible and be immersed as much as possible (weightless! Very attractive right now). Everyone wants to live by the water and the houses are priced accordingly. I want to be attracted to the living water of Christ as much as my waterbottle or a rushing river. And it's free to live near Him and drink from His neverending stream...

Forty-Second Step

Time to say goodbye to the mountains that I barely explored, and the river that I never jumped in. Maybe next time. The rapids and freezing temperatures were a little daunting this time around. Traveling went well, although I was just surviving and not being natural (got a drink on every flight in those plastic cups). I had a 1.5 hr drive to the airport, then 3 takeoffs and landings, and then the drive back home from the airport. All in all, a 12-hour travel day. And yes, I was swollen like a marshmallow woman. But a good night's sleep did the trick. Thanks for a great visit, Karin and Mokey! (and Mom for the free ticket!)

Forty-First Step

More hiking for this step, but at 9-10,000 feet. Karin and Mike are SURROUNDED by amazing mountains.

We saw the campus where Karin is a professor and Mokey has his office, then went to Bear Lake,



ate Garden City's famous raspberry shakes,



and hiked a bit in the snow around another lake (Happy Anniversary, K&M!).



There's nothing like snow in your socks in May! I don't have much breathing room anyway (8 weeks until baby!), but I was really having trouble not feeling like I was taking my dying breath (not literally). I can't wait to go back after my belly is empty of baby. But because of my supersonic pregnancy schnozola, the mountains smelled AMAZING.

Fortieth Step

This was a real natural day. I went on two hikes in Utah's Cache mountains, which are literally right around the corner from my brother and sister-in-law's beautiful house on the Logan River. We had a really nice time, even though they were slowing down some for me, at least in terms of mileage. I have noticed being more out of breath here due to the altitude, but I also know I'm pretty out of shape. :) The whole time I wanted to jump into the river, but it is deceptively cold and more like rapids right now due to the snow melting from the mountains--so I was barely able to walk through a shallow part for more than a few feet without my feet feeling like they were going to fall off. Here are some more pics:



We also went to a farmer's market,



fell off a mountain (lovely picture),



called some ducks,



sat and ate lunch on their deck overlooking the river,



ate at a yummy Mexican restaurant and then watched Nacho Libre. All in all, a great day on my vacation without kiddos! I do miss them though, and me sweet husband. Love you guys!

Thirty-Ninth Step

Soooo this day was traveling to Utah, and I brought water on the plane and managed to not buy any waterbottles...was paranoid about not having enough with the plane dehydration on a 4-hour flight, but I think I did OK. One water bottle did leak, though, in the overhead bin, but it was enough to make a fellow passenger a little irked. Had to let it go, wasn't trying to ruin his day or anything. I didn't realize the hinge was leaky until that trip, and it's the only one I have for the way back too. So I will just keep it from the overhead bins and hope it doesn't wreak more havoc.

Besides being sure to get enough water, I added protein powder to my iced caramel macchiato, and it was good! A nice refreshing snack while I drove my cool rental car that I was very savvy at renting this time (last time I got duped about a couple things, but this time I was ready--they even tried to get me to take a minivan, which 1. I didn't need all that room and my brother who I was visiting would not approve 2. I drive all the time 3. I wanted a fun little car 4. Even though it would be a "free" upgrade, the gas would not be free!). So keep your wits about you at those places, I'm telling you. It was so nice to stop along the way and sit at Wendy's and listen to their folk music and have a burger w/o a bun and admire the mountains and not have to get ketchup or napkins or anything for anyone but me.

Thirty-Eighth Step

Here we are, cooking some more...Number 38 was to make gluten-free banana bread to take to Uncle Mokey and Aunt Karin's house in Utah. It turned out very yummy! More like fluffy banana cake. It was probably the fluffiest thing I've ever made that was gluten-free. Off to bed--big day tomorrow!

Thirty-Seventh Step

My step today was to keep working on the house of God chart...laminating away, and determining which side of the velcro to use on which part, etc. We have been using the laminated sheets for our circle time, without the chart or having them cut out, but the kids can't read anyway and don't seem to care. Charlie likes to hold the card with the verse and say, "No, I do it! I do it myself," and then says some random part of the verse. Which is still very cute and impressive. They both love the puppet part, since there's 4 puppets, mom, dad, girl and boy (one for each family member, out of the womb anyway). Charlie prayed once with us at the end, but since then he won't repeat after me when I pray like Clarissa does. This time I decided to give them a felt "fruit of the Spirit" whenever I saw them loving each other, being kind, good, gentle, etc. and then we counted the fruit in the basket at the end of the day and they got a surprise (which was shaved ice with snow cone syrup). Hey, can't be healthy all the time!

Thirty-Sixth Step

I made some gluten-free cornbread for #36, from Carol Fenster. It was good! For some reason I liked it better last time I made it--I think the flour mix was fresher.

Liquid ingredients:
2 large eggs, room temp.
3/4 cup milk, room temp.
1/4 cup canola or other oil
1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar or fresh lemon juice

Dry ingredients:
1 cup gluten-free cornmeal
3/4 cup Carol's Sorghum Blend (just use whatever GF flours you like, a mix of oat and brown rice is good if you want to "brown it up")
1/4 to 1/2 cup sugar
2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp xanthum gum
1 tsp salt

Grease an 8-inch square pan, and preheat oven to 350.
Beat the eggs for 30 seconds in medium bowl, then add rest of liquid ingredients and blend. Whisk the dry ingredients together in a small bowl and gradually beat into the liquid ingredients. Should be consistency of thick cake batter. Spread evenly in pan and bake 25-30 minutes until edges are lightly browned.

Thirty-Fifth Step

OK I am going to catch up: This step was finally planting the garden! And for a happy Memorial Day, going to the countryside to Robert's parents and sister's houses and letting the kids RUN some more! And fly kites. It was a fun time.

Thirty-Fourth Step

This was a simple saving money step--instead of following the temptation to eat somewhere nice after church on Memorial weekend, we went home and ate leftovers. Well, full disclosure: Robert did stop by a pulled pork stand outside Kroger for a couple sandwiches' worth of meat, but they weren't open. I got behind in my posting, but was keeping track and writing in my head, and now that it's on paper, I see that this was a lame attempt! But anything we do to actually be frugal is a big deal for us. So case closed.

Thirty-Third Step

This step was making granola, and also letting kids run for hours outside at a fun birthday party. Here's the granola recipe that I tried, thanks to Freida:
-Mix 3 cups oats with 1 tsp cinnamon (I doubled it, but will type out the original)
-Mix 1 tsp vanilla (I was doubling, so did 1 tsp vanilla and 1 tsp almond extract since I ran out of vanilla), 1/4 cup oil, and 1/2 cup honey.
-Pour mixture over oats and mix well. Pour on sprayed cookie sheet and bake at 300 for 20-25 minutes (don't stir while baking). Cool well before stirring. I also added a couple handfuls of almonds. Yum! Will probably try adding sunflower seeds, some butter, and maybe some Himalayan salt next time.

Thirty-Second Step

This step was to go to a chiropractor/naturopathic doctor for EDS (electro-dermal screening) testing. I needed a mini-check to see how the pregnancy was going, and had been having some tummy issues that I thought were from being gluten-ed but wanted to make sure there weren't other food allergies going on. Raw milk and eggs were fine, but I found out that I was as sensitive to gluten, barley, and corn as to high fructose corn syrup! And those were enough to make me messed up, but the thing that was sky-high was WHEAT. So my gluten sensitivity is trumped by an even bigger wheat allergy. I had suspected that maybe wheat was more the culprit, because cross-contamination and barley malt didn't seem to affect me as much (definitely wasn't celiac I didn't think), but any little exposure to wheat itself creates an awful reaction for a week. I won't go into detail, but feel free to ask me more if you are interested and dealing with food allergies yourself.

At the risk of sounding like Melman, I will continue. I also have an awful reaction to venison, which I narrowly avoided eating when someone had made sloppy joes with it and my husband thought to ask if it was deer meat (on my behalf). Phew. I would've been in the bathroom all night. Anyone ever heard of deer allergy? I think I'm allergic to goat too. Isn't that strange? Is game-y meat more acidic or something? How will I find answers asking random questions on my blog? Why do I just keep asking them expecting cyberspace to solve my problems?

Thirty-First Step

It was Clarissa's last day of Thursday school for the year, so afterward we decided to go out with a bang by visiting the DENTIST for the first time. Clare wasn't too scared, but said she didn't want to go. I told her she'd like it, kind of crossing my heart and hoping she wouldn't get upset and gag and puke (sorry for the imagery). She did great though, and my step for today was to talk with the dentist, not get flouride treatment that day, but research it more and decide for the next visit. I have read so many contradicting things about it--that the ADA says it is not that beneficial, that Dr. Mercola says it's harmful, and this dentist said if they are on city water he has really seen a difference vs. well water (that the flouride in city water definitely helps in his opinion). But he doesn't recommend ingested supplements, just topical application through toothpaste and the treatments at the office. We use Tom's of Maine children's toothpaste, which doesn't have flouride, but if we were to use a flouride one he said only put a pea-sized amount on the toothbrush and to be careful that the kids don't ingest too much, like eat the whole tube etc. Anyway, Clare did great and last night said she wanted to go to the dentist again (instead of brushing her teeth herself). Plus she got a cool 3-sided highlighter (Charlie did too, just for being good moral support and not grabbing a single electronic tool).

But I don't have conclusions about next time because I haven't done more research yet. Growing up I got flouride treatments and still had a ton of cavities (and just had my first crown/root canal a couple years ago), but the more I do my informal polling, the more I think that genetics play a big part in it. I floss everyday and definitely need to go every 6 months; my husband does NOT floss everyday and they gush about his great gums (I typed bums the first time, ha!) and teeth etc. and he only goes once a year. Not fair, but that's love and life in dental hygiene.

Thirtieth Step

This was a hodge podge of items: bringing my grocery bags into the store (which sadly, I haven't remembered to do since my last step that involved remembering this), rescuing an iced latte cup from the trash, taking the recycling to the van to take tomorrow, trying to turn out lights, playing at the park, grilling out and taking a walk for family night, and eating greens from Mendy's garden. Generally being more mindful of my actions and thinking, "What can I post on the blog today??" Haha. A little guilty accountability never hurt anyone, did it??

Twenty-Ninth Step

This step was to intentionally "do mommying" with another mom...my friend Mendy and I have started trying to get together each week and hang out, help each other with a project or two (depending on kid cooperation with said project), and share lunch. We had DELICIOUS BLT's; those sandwiches really struck a beautiful pregnancy chord with me and I told her it felt like I hadn't eaten in days. I definitely ate the leftovers from my kids' plates, that quintessential weight-loss no-no, but I will worry about that in 3 months. For now I am just gaining and gaining with no end in sight!! Anyway. We really had a wonderful time, and I hope that next time I can be more helpful! We did pick some lettuce and onions from the garden, and tried to involve the kids, but they were not terribly interested. I also sorted through a clothes bin and divided what would fit Eli vs. Charlie this summer & fall, and continued to work on the HOUSE scripture chart because Mendy has incredible craft supplies and a super-duper laminator, which she let me borrow.

Basically, I benefited in about 10 ways by the visit and kept Mendy from being as productive, probably. :) But it was good to talk and ruminate on home schooling and other issues that are still a bit esoterical, especially for Mendy with Eli being younger than Charlie even. I will probably start loosely teaching Clarissa this fall since she doesn't really have to start kindergarten until next fall; she has been really showing interest in reading and asking how to spell everything, what all the signs say etc. But I want to research curriculum and try some different things before having to KNOW what I'm doing. :) The home school curriculum share at church this week was very helpful, mostly in talking with other moms and hearing their different philosophies, fears, mistakes, successes, advice. They are brave women! I feel a bit insecure joining their ranks, but I will try. But GO COMMUNAL LIVING!

Twenty-Eighth Step

We went to the zoo with our MOPS group, and the 28th step was saving money and bringing our lunch and water, and saving plastic baggies that were clean enough (and repeatedly chasing off a goose because apparently Charlie is afraid of geese and was traumatized when the goose ate part of his crust on the ground). I also tried to carpool but the other mom decided to drive too at the last minute. Grandma got us a membership (thanks, Mom!), so we didn't have to pay for tickets or parking. So I ended up spending $10 total because we got ice cream at the very end, and then I stopped outside of the zoo at Planet Smoothie for a protein smoothie since the kids were the ones who got the ice cream. That smoothie hit the spot! Got a little too tired and too much sun, so needed some refreshment. The group was moving fast to try to see everything, and the kids were not sticking with me very well, but we managed to have a good time. :) It's a nice zoo; we had never been before except to see the Christmas lights.

Twenty-Seventh Step

Yesterday at church we sang a song about new babies, in honor of the baby dedication. We had written it after Charlie was born (I think it was afterward--there was no date, but I was talking about "my son" in it). It was fun. I've posted the words below. Please comment if you have any questions about my theology. :) I'm not questioning God's word, just saying what a deep mystery that this soul of this new baby is NOT new to God--he created it, this eternal soul is "out of time" in a sense, and someday He will make ALL THINGS truly new. But what closer glimpse of that day than in the newness of a newborn. It's the newest thing possible in this world that's fading...yet somehow still not NEW.

nothing new

nothing new
you have told me there’s
nothing new
you inform me
but these eyes
but these hands

nothing new
you have told me there’s
nothing new
under the sunbeams
but this nose
but these toes

We’ll follow our hearts now my son
We’ll open our eyes to the one
Oh, what can we do now you’re born
With these eyes
With these hands
With this mouth

nothing new
how can that be with
all these feelings
rushing through me
and these ears
can they hear

The heart of our Father above
Who made all your fingers with love
Oh, what can we do now my son
With these hands
With this heart
With this hope

Praising you
I dream of the day when he’s
Praising you
Oh Lord, let it be so
With these hands
With this mouth
With this heart

Hallelu
Hallelujah you’ll make
All things new
Someday soon, Lord
But first the child
Receive the child
You sent your child
To save this child

p.s. Sharing songs is a step for me, so please don't pilfer or pass it on via e-mail. Feel free to share the blog address in an e-mail though. Thanks!

Twenty-Sixth Step

Well, yesterday started out with a meeting at church and then a MOPS tea, so I was an independent bird all morning. Then I came home and Robert had taken the kids on a couple errands, so I was kind of wandering around wondering what to do and ended up having a quiet time, straightening up and putting away laundry. At first being in the house alone was like a solo mia party, but then it kind of lost its luster the longer the family was gone and I didn't know when they were returning. I sort of started to feel left out! Strange, because if I knew exactly how much time I had to work with I probably would have used it more effectively, or at least whooped it up more. Anyway, the Saturday activities after naptime were

beading




and stickers



(which is a mixed bag for me, because they love it, but it's shocking how fast they can go through $5 of stickers, and without adding any original marker-ing or coloring, the pictures are so impersonal)


making gluten-free pizza


(a real treat for me, since we can't order out! Robert liked it, but I didn't think the hamburger we used was as tasty as using sausage. The crust turned out well though!)


and cuddling with daddy on the couch while watching Nim's Island


which is really cute (fast-forwarding the lost-at-sea and stormy parts).

So today my step was to enjoy my family and realize that time alone isn't always what it's cut up to be. After 4 hours of being gone in the morning, I was ready to see my family again, and coming home to an empty house was exhilarating and peaceful at first, but all of us together--the little people, the bulging-belly momma and the tall man--are what really make it a home.

Twenty-Fifth Step

Step 25, I'm alive...I think I'll count NOT giving the kids enough baths as a RNM step, because it's very granola and nitty-gritty (literally). Henceforth, I publicly proclaim that I am delaying the increased bath schedule that spring strongly suggests and summer duly requires. I have composed a poem in honor of this accomplishment.

I lean forward to kiss your schnookie head
And get a whiff of grass instead
not the clean-cut freshly mow-en kind
But the day-old rained-on grass you find
stuck to the edge of my tennis shoe
In fact, that also smells like you
along with running, and the sun
such a fascinating combination
how can I wash it away you ask
when nature's offering takes to task
the fight t'would take most every day
to keep you bathed and clean to stay
so i'll just lean over you once more
and welcome nature through my door

Twenty-Fourth Step

So this is the story of "Little Fly" (Clarissa named him) continued...when Robert got home from praise team, Little Fly was lying down outside the box and was not moving. Yes, Little Fly had died in the 2 hours that Robert was gone! We know that was too fast to starve to death, due to his big fat belly, and he had enough feathers that 65-degree weather wouldn't have killed him. In the fledgling stage, they can be out on their own for 2 or 3 days before they fly, with their moms kind of looking out for them and caring for them. So he wouldn't have needed the warmth of the nest at this stage. It was a sad revelation for all of us, and we still don't know the exact cause of death. A cat could have played with him; if he did fall down a long way from the nest he could have had some kind of internal injuries or bleeding or even a brain injury; or could he have died from the shock of it all and not having his mommy? 

I felt grieved, but also guilty--did we do the wrong thing? Should we have brought him in and put a heating pad under the box? Gotten some food into him? The info online made it sound like the best thing for them is to let their mommy find them, and we were not expecting him to go so fast. I think there were other issues going on, but it was hard to tell. He was really lethargic and disoriented, and didn't seem like himself--not that I have known too many baby birds. 

But I tried to give him to God, and cried some, and the questions I was asking God were, "Did you see him when he died, Lord? Did he somehow sense you were there with him?" I know He sees the sparrow fall, but does the sparrow sense Him at all? I grieved too over not having a pet, and how, if we went that route, I was excited to have the kids involved in helping feed him, learn about him, etc. I am sad they don't have any animals to know and learn about and care for. But the times I've tried indoor cats (which I grew up with) were very frustrating in my own household, especially since I'm not the greatest with cleaning, on any kind of schedule anyway. Right now at least, cleaning is on a very "this is getting grimy," as-needed basis. But shouldn't the joy and comfort that animals bring me outweigh the mess and inconvenience? 

Robert always had outside animals, which part of me still doesn't see the point of since I think I would just say Hi in passing and gingerly pet or pet while thinking, "This dog is so gross; I'm washing my hands first thing when I get inside." Or they smell like skunk, or get loose, or bark obsessively, or get bad ticks or worms. I don't know, indoor pets seem to have so much more personality and become more a part of the family. 

But pardon me, we are grieving Little Fly. We held a little funeral for him and buried him under our garden, with the kids both crying by the end--Clarissa real crying and Charlie fake crying, mostly because he wanted to pet it some more (we used gloves). Clare prayed to see the birdie again in heaven, and we prayed for God to take care of him. She was really sobbing though, and saying she wanted to make him a birdhouse and hold him...but I said he was hurt and he's not hurting now so that's a good thing, and we can make a birdhouse for a different birdie. It was hard to teach her about dying and grieving (she learned the words "buried" and "funeral") and to know that all I could do was hold her. By the time she went to bed, she said "Sweet birdie, in the yard dead," and I knew at least that she got it. She is so tender, and I have trouble having patience with her sensitivity sometimes, but definitely not in the life and death of Little Fly.

Twenty-Third Step

Well, I am still conflicted about this step, which seemed very exciting and heroic at first. Clarissa said, "Mom, there's a really fat bird in the yard!" and when I went to look, realized it was a baby bird hopping along. We went out to look and it barely moved even though we were 3 feet away, and it would seem to be sleeping between hopping as if exhausted. When it hopped over to the alley (with some breaks in between), I decided to go get a box (the "house of God" box was handy), line it with newspaper, and see if it would hop in. I didn't want it to get run over!

So he fluttered a little when I approached and maybe went a foot off the ground but landed with his wings out. They didn't look strange or injured, just like he wasn't able to really fly yet. But I scooped him into the box when he fluttered up, and he seemed to really relax (it was a windy, rainy day) and fell into a good sleep with his head tucked around into his back feathers. BTW, he was fully-feathered and extremely plump, so he did not seem to urgently need warmth or a meal. 

Robert got home soon after I "rescued" him from the alley, and I called my mom who has raised a few robins in her day. I remember as a girl the smell of baby meat and feeding some birds who had hatched from eggs with a dropper thing. But these birds we raised were not fledglings who had left the nest; they had no feathers and needed to be in a yogurt maker incubator etc. This little bird was clearly older and about ready to fly, even if he had taken off/fallen out prematurely. We looked for the nest, but could not find any sign of it. Our tree is so tall, we wouldn't have been able to get him back in it anyway. We put a tee shirt over the box so he wouldn't try to fly out the top and hurt himself.

Meanwhile, Robert looked online and found some info about what to do in this kind of situation. He said that the bird's mom probably hadn't abandoned it, and she needs to be able to find it visually (not just hear it chirping). So we decided to turn the box on its side so the little bird could hop out if he wanted to, and the mom could see him if she was looking for it. Or he could stay in there if it liked the shelter from the wind. I had to leave to take the kids to see my mom graduate from a program, but before Robert left for praise team, the birdie was hopping around under our tree, at least safe from the rain. 

Here is another webpage about caring for baby birds and how usually the best thing to do is to leave them alone. I didn't read this, of course, until I had already intervened. On the other hand, I know that the alley was not a safe place for him, and there are plenty of cats roaming around in our neighborhood, so I'm not sure he would have been safe hopping around like a sitting duck. Hmm, somehow that analogy doesn't work. But the mom came back to look for him, and I wanted to yell, "He's over here, momma!" Clarissa got to see him sleeping in the box, later naming him "Little Fly," but we couldn't find any worms for him in our garden before we left. Robert and I were going to decide later that night what to do if the momma didn't find him. To be continued...you can listen to the CD "You are My Little Bird" by Elizabeth Mitchell in the meantime. It is a sweet children's album.

Twenty-Second Step

Today is a lesson in glad-itude...Lord, today I am glad that my kids call sneezes "bless you's;" I am glad that I can still fit in some :) of my maternity pants, I am glad that the weather is staying warmer and our clothes are almost switched out (thanks again for your help, Mendy!); I am glad that Clare has a little body that works well and jumps and tumbles and moves at gymnastics; I am glad that Charlie ate all his lunch and seems to be starting a growth spurt after his sister finished one; I am glad that we have a HOME group to come fellowship at our house; I am glad that we had circle time again and it wasn't just a one-shot-deal; I am glad that there are 11 wks left until we meet our baby.

I am glad that my husband has an idea for a beautiful backyard patio, that we can have creative ideas and work on them, that our van is a palatial vehicle that I can't believe we actually drive around in and own (so much space! Like an apartment! We never had one growing up), that we made our house payment this month, that we could pay our midwife a chunk of money for the birth, that God can show us how to live sufficiently on $50 until Robert gets paid in 9 days, that God will grow our faith. I am glad that God alone is sufficient for us, that He will meet our every need. This is a day to rejoice and be glad! I am glad because He has made me glad.

Twenty-First Step

Step 21 was our first circle time: me and the kids sitting on a blanket on our hardwood floor talking about the Bible. I came up with a theme for us--the house of God--and have a cool acronym for H.O.U.S.E. to expand on it. When I finish my chart I'll take a picture of it or something, but it's not done yet. I have a lot of laminating to do!

Then we drew about our house and God's house, and decorated a box to be God's house. We also talked about how we want our house to be full of joy, peace, love, you name it (currently it is filled with sleeping kids and soon-to-be-sleeping mom). And the "house of God" box is filled with all of Clare's "little guys." Charlie was so cute saying, "hon-ow" (honor) and "ex-o-dus" and even "pwo-longed." "Honor your father and mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you" (Exodus 20:12). There are verses for each part of the acronym that we'll learn gradually. I have them repeat after me and it's just so stinkin' cute.

I think I was underestimating how much the schnookers could handle in terms of Bible teaching--this is so much more fun than just reading their little children's Bible! And to have them looking up at me expectantly and liking the attention and the "newness" of it--it's really fun. We also did a role play with our mommy, daddy, Clare and Charlie puppets about obeying and sharing and playing well together, with lots of hugs and kisses too. Charlie couldn't get it that the puppet was supposed to be him, though, so the mommy & daddy puppets made sure to hug & kiss him along with his puppet.