Seventy-Sixth Step - Not Counting

I'm not going to count the steps anymore, I don't think. Just know that I'm taking them. And I'm not going to count how many words this gargantuan post is. But that's not what I mean by "not counting." Last weekend I was amazed by the tremendous love God has for us. This week I am amazed (and flabbergasted, and ashamed...) at the limits of human love. I just haven't thought of it much before. I mean, if our faith only needs to be a mustard seed for God to grow it into great things, I wonder how little love we need to start with? I am realizing, when I'm lucky, the level of my love must be something akin to "good intentions" or "fondness." It just really doesn't cut it. Especially when the going gets tough. I realize much of the time I am gutting it out and gritting my teeth and having a horrible attitude while maybe appearing to "give in" or display outward obeisance. (Is that the same as obedience? It sounds sweeter, like obedience with a humble spirit) We count the cost. God doesn't.

Sooooo as my kids face a challenging sickness, I am brought exceedingly low. I can't fix it; I can't control it. I can juice veggies with garlic, and I can give them respiratory support herbs. But what matters the most is being able to hold them and be present while they are hacking. Even if there is mucus involved on a new clean shirt, which the wearing of is quite the event for me around here. A phenomenon really. We have done the doctor visits, figured out what was going on, done the antibiotics. Now it is a waiting game, us vs. sickness. But I kind of stink at this simple "Mary like" method of just being with them and accepting them even in their sickness. Even if nothing I do can make them better.

Instead of feeling tenderly compassionate, after two weeks of my kids coughing, I find myself being disgusted, like I really shouldn't have to deal with this. I think my soul took a bathroom break or something when God was handing out those natural motherly genes. It is WORK for me to stay present!! Checking out is very tempting, and patting their backs might give the outward appearance of mothering while my heart is elsewhere. I am just ready to be DONE. I know God's love is much bigger than this, and the knowledge shames me.

Since we are in full confession mode, I also have trouble getting up at night. I often take a while to fall asleep, and I avoid waking fully up after I get to sleep. Oh, and plus, I can, um, be selfish and lazy at times. So my DH has become sleep-deprived and frazzled from the baby (now two! Can I still call her THE BABY??) getting up 5x in the night. I help him maybe two of those times, but after I have gone out of "infant mode" and am not nursing, (whispered) sometimes I don't hear her. And sometimes I don't hear my 4 y.o. son. But a lot of the time I do and guiltily listen to DH getting up instead of me. It feels like I can't move, but I know that really I could, that I am nowhere near even the (wimpy) limits of human love.

Jesus. I shake my head when I think of Jesus. He had human flesh to hold him back, all the possibilities of selfish tendencies latent in his body. (My theology could be off here, but bear with me.) Fully human. Never once chose to give in to his "fully human side." I know it's possible, that he said he could have called in legions of angels to save him. But he prayed so hard to obey and take up the cup (a.k.a the cross) that his human body shed blood in the Garden, before he even got to the cross.

As a fellow human (without the divine nature part), I KNOW I ain't ever prayed like THAT.

I obviously don't know exactly what He was praying (wouldn't that be awesome, and holy, and so impossible for us to hear? Or even understand if we did hear?) Somehow he was disciplining his body and making it his slave. He was getting his flesh in line with the Holy Spirit. He was communing with His Father and asking for help, for help only the Father could give at that point. He had reached the end of his humanness, was totally broken, poured out. He had nothing to offer. He had to pour Himself out at the cross, and completely trust in His Heavenly Father.

I think the gospel writer thought that the fact that his disciples could not even pray with Him for one hour was very significant. I think so too. Because when my kids are sick, I can't even watch and pray with them for one hour. My husband pours out his life, takes off his shirt and catches with it the mucus they cough up, lays down with them in between barfing sessions (different sickness), shows such concern for the baby that he leaves her door open and stays on the 2nd floor because he's afraid he won't hear her. Yes, truly, the other night he would not watch a movie with me downstairs because he was afraid he wouldn't hear her.

Lest you think DH is overreacting, this is probably the worst sickness to ever hit our household. It is a new level of sickness we have not seen before. So, yes, he may be a little sleep-deprived and anxiety may be getting the better of him, but he is not holding back, and he is not counting the cost. (Maybe counting the number of times he got up the night before, but not counting it against the kids. And who knows if he is counting it against me, but I kind of deserve it.)

Disclaimer time: Without God's grace and the help of the Holy Spirit, these revelations are, of course, limited to this time and space as I put all this down here. It will take His working to keep hold of this respect and awe at the Christlike manner in which my husband is loving our kids. I mean, I am not a cold block of stone. I do hold them and am sympathetic during the day, but it is easier then. Like if Jesus had asked those three disciples to pray at noon instead of midnight, they probably would have done it, no problem. Sure thing, Jesus! But I need to remember this when it's 2 am and I am cozy and lazy and fleshly. NOT FLESHY, fleshly. (My fleshiness is not limited to 2 am, but it is not up for discussion here anyway.)

Despite all this, I show DH such disrespect with my attitude and words sometimes, and whine about how my needs aren't being met, and generally act like a baby when for the past two weeks he has been trying to meet the needs of our real baby. I do feel starved emotionally, but what a small price to pay when my kids are hacking their brains out. What a small hour to pray. Oh, I pray to welcome baby duty tonight. I pray to reach the limit of myself, so that my Father can fill me up. I pray to be poured out wine instead of worn out whine. Any human love I can give is wholly inadequate for the task. It has to be Him. I definitely count the cost, am fully aware of the minutes I spend trying to be patient and trying to be compassionate. But He didn't even consider it once. ("Consider him, who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you do not grow weary and lose heart." Heb. 12:3) In Luke 14:28, Jesus says to count the cost before you build something. But the point was somehow "anyone who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." We can count the cost as long as we know that it will cost us everything. Or, as Paul puts it, "But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ" (Phil. 3:7)

Bible break:

"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection of the dead." (Phil. 3:8-11)

"For the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith." (Gal. 6:8-10a) (including the ones who are right in front of your face, the chillins)

Just had time to practice what I been preachin'. Baby was up coughing, sent DH back to bed. Victory! Jesus emptied Himself (Phil. 2:7) and was obedient to the point of death (Phil. 2:8). It does feel like a part of me died, not to minimize his death, but like the daily taking-up-the-cross-and-dying-to-self kind of death. It is different to die. Different from being worn out, or at the end of your rope. I can be weary even when I am not doing good, when I have not been faithful. What's it called when you're just weary, not necessarily weary because you've been doing good? I guess it's the kind where you won't reap a proper harvest when you're done. I guess it's the spinning-your-wheels weary, where the things you did will just burn in the fire rather than shine through as gold. I am weary now, for mostly the wrong reasons, but I would rather surrender, not threaten to take my ball and go home when I suffer, and entrust myself to the one who judges justly (1 Pet. 2:13). I am tired of striving, in every area of my life. I would rather die, be conformed to His death, so that I may share in His life (Phil. 2:10-11, summarized).

Just like I don't want to waste a trial and have to learn it again, I don't want my weariness to be for nothing. I don't want my selfishness about our family vacation/cousin's wedding getting cut shorter and possibly getting cut entirely to get in the way of what my kids need. I hope to honor my husband and trust God with it, whatever the outcome, even if it's very disappointing. I hate even saying that, because it's hard to believe I could really accept such an outcome. Jesus himself "knew what was in man," and he knows I am weak and selfish. Can He start with that awful ground, and grow love in such a wasteland? I guess we'll see. OK, she's coughing again. Better go. I won't count that this is the second time I am heading upstairs. Oops, NOW I won't count. Starting now.

New blog I like

http://thetiethatbindsus.com/parenting/boys/homeschooling-boys-10-friendships/

I've been really hoping to develop some friendships for Charlie (does that sound controlling or what?)...OK, develop some opportunities for Charlie to have mindless, anti-dialogue fun with another energetic boy. Is that better? But she made a point that he IS practicing being a friend, with his sister, Aunt Freida, a favorite babysitter. Friends don't have to just be the same age--isn't that part of the freedom with homeschooling?

There are also links on this post to MANY supposedly-cool homeschool bloggers, but I have not checked them out (thankfully, so I don't have that twinge of blog-world-instead-of-real-world guilt--however, I do have that looked-at-so-much-curriculum-and-did-so-much-research-I'm-convinced-next-year-will-be-so-many-amazing-things-but-I'm-not-done-with-this-year kind of guilt). So I can't vouch for those other blogs, only I have a suspicion they really ARE cool.

See whatcha think!

B

Seventy-Fifth Step - Asking

I am going to walk with my awesome activist friend to raise money to help stop child sex trafficking. It's called Traffick Jam--check it out here. Could you give $1 per mile, or $10 (or more) to help these dear young victims of sex abuse and also those who are at risk of being abused? Let me know at bekah@robertandbekah.com or give me a call! Would also love your prayers as I raise money and "train." I figure if I can walk for 8 hours at Disney World, I can do this, right?? And for a much nobler cause.

Classical education vs. Charlotte Mason-style

I read this post at Simply Charlotte Mason's website (I'll abbreviate SCM) and am evaluating, processing, filling online shopping carts with homeschool books dependent on which direction I decide to go. The Cincinnati homeschool conference was amazing, refreshing, challenging and encouraging (and also exhausting). And now I am left with many ideas and very little processing time. I am very drawn to CM methods, and love how they are gentle, nature and arts-focused, and relaxed. It also scares me with my traditional school background, because what if there are GAPS?

On the SCM forum, I got much encouragement and support to my confused post. They said there are always some gaps, even in public schools (I think maybe even more so there because they do not have the same teacher/school every year!). But instilling a love for learning instead of burning them out on it means they can discover and learn about any "gaps" that matter, that truly interest them, in high school and even as adults. History and grammar study were my main questions--the arts and unique science study and beginning reading stuff were just so exciting to me.

So with history, Charlotte Mason-style does 2 rotations instead of 3 like classical ed. That is one of the main differences with history it seems--more in depth and taking more time the first time around. I wasn't sure about this, because of wanting to COVER MORE and MORE until our brains are fried, haha. But it has been my tendency all year, to slow down, digest, really understand what we are learning. Maybe it's just my style. But it makes figuring out where to go with history next year complicated. Module 1 in SCM starts with ancient history, including Egypt but includes some neat resources we didn't use this year. And it has a recommended biblical history alongside. But we did A LOT on Egypt, Mesopotamia, China this year, and it might seem like overkill to start over? I thought of starting with Module 2 (Greece). SOTW could be read alongside it very easily, which would mean I would stop for the year because we're into Greece now and exactly halfway through the first book.

I've also thought about starting with American history, so she is learning more about the world immediately around her (we can do world focus with Operation World, missionary stories etc.). That isn't until Module 5 in SCM, but they have 2 cool new books out that cover America and the Nations alongside each other, and a study on the Epistles. I'm just too excited with all the good stuff out there.

Here are a couple more articles comparing classical education to Charlotte Mason:

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/charlotte-mason-education/

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/the-classical-side-of-charlotte-mason/

For grammar, I decided to use one book I already have (First Language Lessons by Jessie Wise) and get Writing with Ease by Susan Wise Bauer from a friend. They are both oral, and I want to do more concentrated writing technique than CM recommends. I was always stronger with creative writing/Opinion essays (imagine that!) and feel kind of weak with Grammar. So I want them to have a better base with it. I think I might add in some lessons from this, since they are short and simple.

I know I plan too much in, so I like her challenge to keep lessons to 15 minutes or so, including narration. I will use less of the subjects in Five-in-a-Row (right now we talk about almost all of them, and they love the story, then I see their eyes glaze over when I pull out the book) and keep it short. I'm thinking of how to break the narration down further, so she is not as overwhelmed with summarizing the whole book (often with word-for-word reciting interspersed). Poetry, arts, living books, narration, copywork and nature (and circle time, with guitar music/dancing with scarves, puppets, bean bags, Bible focus, picture books about Jesus/The Bible) have been the best parts of our year, so it is encouraging that all of this is contained in CM methods and philosophy. Well, not "circle time" persay, but the arts/Bible focus of it.

There are some things I had never seen before that SCM recommends. After this year, I wanted to keep a "nature around us" focus with science (we studied bugs and birds so far this year in our Apologia book). Next year the co-op is doing astronomy for her age group, which is very abstract, and about as far away from the world around us as possible. :) But Clare has loved the connections with other kids, and I have liked the lunchtime chats with other moms. But it is crazy, and we are recovering all afternoon, behind in the evening, and even feel "out of touch" with school Tuesday because we haven't had sight of it since the previous Thurs or Fri (sometimes we take Fridays off if we've had a good week). The art class has been wonderful, and science class has helped us both understand the material better. :) We saw a wasps' nest this past week, which we wouldn't see at home (hopefully). I have appreciated having something for Charlie there, but sometimes he is the only boy and it is not as structured. Next year the art class is too late in the day next year for us to attend at that time. So it would just be going for a music class, but if we do a Sun. night home group, they would do choir at church. I'd like to try a Montessori class that meets on Mondays and has a "nature study" session twice a year...can you tell which way I'm leaning?

I thought about trying to find a couple CM-focused people and figuring out a way to get together a couple times a month, maybe for composer/art/dance/nature study. Could be neat, and help fulfill the high need my kids have for interaction with other kids and ease my guilt with how ecstatic they are just to be in public! Haha. I am glad we are home-centered, but now that the spring is springing, we are coming out of hibernation more. The co-op was a good way to make sure we saw others each week, and with a combo of the Montessori class, and maybe organic (naturally happening) CM co-op, we might be OK.

Do you think we'll be OK? Do you think we'll make it? :) I can tell that God is so a part of this, that He just loves that we're homeschooling and trying to honor Him with our kids' education. It is definitely the right fit for us!! I could really talk about this for hours, it is just so interesting to me, and I realized hey, if I blog about it, I may be talking to myself, but it'll feel like I've processed at least!

My next question--does homeschooling feed my book habit??? I *love* homeschool curriculum, and am so so grateful to all the vendors who want to help me integrate Jesus, creation, biblical history and worldview, even theology into our homeschool. We are truly blessed with awesome materials these days!! Now to get "homeschool curric" into our budget...

Seventy-Fourth Step - Walking

My dear friend here is doing this and I think it's awesome. If I can get my patootey to walk 10 miles, I will join her! (Slowly, surely...) I'm not sure where our local event is taking place, but I'm betting she has the details. So great to find things we can do as mommas (and families), together, to help other people who are 3 feet tall and not our own. I mean, as important as the stuff we do inside the home is, it's just refreshing and energizing to make a difference OUTSIDE it sometimes! It's nice to be a part of the bigger picture, get some perspective, and show this process to our kids.

Great find, AKJ! Go, sister! Do we need to train?? (All the marathoners and triathaloners who read my blog--there are multitudes I'm sure--are cackling now)

Seventy-Third Step - Being Dirt

Realize I'm not God. I'm dust. But, wait, God became dust. I have been thinking about how God's Word was "written in dust" at Christmas, and how He was here on earth for a time, and then was gone (for a time). Like writing in the dirt--He didn't come with fanfare, didn't keep scrolls on his miracles, just came into a body and that was the writing. Yes, if that sounds like Miss Voskamp's inspiration, you are right. This post has been on my mind.

Jesus wrote in the dirt

Words not on stone

But back to dust

While others wanted blood

He inscribed words for a moment

Until winds blew the breath out of them

His hand lingered over the ground

While stone-cold weapons were found

Were they names? Did he call them out?

Would they ever seek Him once they saw

A portrait of their sin?

His words became dirt

As He had become dirt

In a belly, in a stall

The Word scratched in the dust

The Word etched on every face

Turned down in hatred

Then upturned in surprise

And ultimately, shame in their eyes

Seventy-Second Step - Worlds Colliding

Have you ever had your life experiences collide all at once, and feel like, "Ohhh, that's so right. This makes so much sense." Like, we're not God, but sometimes God connects the dots for us poor, clueless people? And you see this situation and that one and realize He is putting together your personality, trials, heart, even your struggles into a big lumpy mushy LUMP (looks messy to us, but He doesn't mind getting His hands dirty) but it is going to be something that makes sense sometime (hopefully soon)? Yeah, me neither.

Just kidding! I'm reading Love Mercy by Lisa Samson, and it makes her life experiences (and novels, which really have an obvious agenda without being too overbearing, usually) really make sense for me. I'm hoping that at some point my life will make enough sense to be able to read it in book form and I'll learn a whole lot about what meant what and who was who and what I did good and how I blew it but it all turned out OK in the end.

Maybe God will have a whole delightful room full of scrapbooks of your life, and then a novel (or even trilogy!) that puts it all together for you and narrates what was going on and your whole web of interconnected people that you impacted (or didn't, because of selfishness or laziness or cluelessness). Maybe just nerds like me will be interested in that kind of thing--could you transform it into a sci-fi/fantasy, please? Hmm, my life as a novel would require a little more excitement probably.

I'm not totally sure how God is connecting the dots. I'll fill you in more as more becomes clear. But it feels like a new season is starting. God's released me for more service, from a healing phase to more of a giving phase. God's calling our family to more, to family worship, to being content with our life together, and maybe farm and slowing down. There are scary things involved with that, and resistance to change. But I read a bumper sticker last week that hit me like a bolt of lightning: If nothing changes, nothing changes. Simple, right? But it has gone through my head all week. Including changing my heart. If I don't let him change that, there's no hope for a good novel. It will be a teen drama angst-filled horror story. And I swore those off at least 5 years ago.

p.s. Happy 4th birthday to my schnookie boy!! Can't believe his precious chubby cheeks are still around, even at 4 years (the facial ones). They are still so fun to munch on. Definitely talking about facial ones. Sometimes our kids seem so precious it hurts, like we have to squeeze them to hold onto the moment but we can't and it's gone and it hurts!! Like I know there are so many ways I don't cherish each moment with them and then the guilt comes in and the battle becomes about something else--"I'm a terrible, selfish mom" thoughts. "I need to play more" thoughts. And "How do we go through a whole day and not have focused on what matters?" thoughts. Anyone have those?? This is all too big for a p.s.

Seventy-First Step - Christmas Cheer

Hey! It's me! And I survived whirlwind trips to Texas and Disney World within 2 weeks of each other. Who agreed to that crazy schedule anyway?? We had a great time at each, and I hope to post more pictures of those and of Chrees-mahss (this is the way we had to pronounce it in our 5th grade Chrees-mahss program. "Where would we be without Chrees-mahss? What kind of world would it be? There'd be no carols to sing, no bells that would ring, not even a Chrees-mahss tree...") I'm serious, those junior high choir songs plague me.

And I have a little secret. Yours truly was Santa Claus in 7th or 8th grade--the memory is kind of fuzzy because it was too traumatic. You see, Mandy Clarke was the darling of our grade in terms of singing. And so she had the lead part that year. Of course, I was Santa Claus, and had a two-line solo in a song. It went, "Gather round my little friends and hear what I've to say. It's time to wrap the presents and load them on the sleigh." Complete with stuffing, beard etc. Well, I will now mark the 3 times (at minimum) that my voice cracked while singing said solo with an asterisk (I get the nerves, people!), "Gather *round my* little *friends and* hear what I've to say. It's time to wrap the *presents* and *load them* on the sleigh." OK maybe it was four times. Very traumatic stuff, and I'm only telling you because I've just recently healed from it and my counselor said I should practice talking about it. Bring it to light and all that (well, I'm not currently seeing a counselor, but I definitely could be).

We had a wonderful visit with my brother and sister-in-love and their lovie baby Linna. It was awesome to meet her finally, at 3 months, and meant a lot that they traveled here from Utah. She was a sweetie. And the Linna deck of cards and Linna apron were a hit with the babymoon parents (the apron said, "Just follow your heart. It's what I do." Ahh, I love Napoleon!!) We got sick toward the end of their visit, at least my baby and my husband, and now the rest of us have some coughing and such going on. The baby has a double ear infection and the doc gave us a breathing machine today for her wheezing. I hope it helps--she sounds pretty buh-had. I started feelin' it yesterday and Charlie started today, so it has officially made the rounds. There are body aches as well, and we stayed home Saturday instead of going to Grandma and Grandpa's and spreading the love. We did have a cozy, relaxing, if loserish and kind of meager on the food end of things (mac and cheese for the rest of the fam), Christmas.

Oh, there is a giveaway here that you might want to check out--for a $100 Mastercard gift card. So if you overdid it at Christmas (ahem), this could help you pay your electric bill or some other practical thing that you overlooked in your holiday zeal.

Hope you and yours had a lovely Chrees-mahss! (Where would we be without it??)

Seventieth Step - I win!

Well, no entries to my contest yesterday means...I WIN! Yahoo! It means my favorite contest entry for the name of our future farm is my own: Stoney Hill Farm. And that's its name. Don't wear it out.

I'll have to post a picture of Robert in our official farm hat. That is, when I see him again, and he's not 1) raking leaves 2) chopping or picking up loads of wood from his family's farm 3) working hard to provide for our family 4) wrestling with the kids, who all seem to be learning the art of the pile-on (even the baby) or 5) asleep on the couch with his mouth wide open and head tilted back at that strange neck-defying angle. Has anyone seem him lately?? Maybe I've lost him. :) We did rake some leaves today, to hopefully let the grass dry out a bit after the rain yesterday. And let Daddy spend some time with us tonight, until I leave for church anyway!

OK, I am going to tell you how homeschooling went today so far. Kaput. We read a total of 3 books, 2 pumpkin ones and one called The Patchwork Quilt (to go with The Rag Coat Five-in-a-Row story we read last week). Oh, make that four because we read an Egypt one that is due at the library tomorrow. We did manage to read our Bible and have poetry memorization, and change our calendar to the proper day and date. Maybe we will continue after rest time, which usually involves only two children sleeping now (and one just wishing she didn't have to rest), and one mommy collapsed on her bed with delicious bare feet in cool sheets.

Better go there now, before I lose my chance.