Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Sixty-First Step - Update

(Lookie lookie, the next day was better...)


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Sixtieth Step - Living in the Argh

OK, one thing I have learned from counseling is that I tend to disassociate when I am anxious. What this means to YOU is that if I am stressed or overstimulated I might get a glazed look in my eye and not be able to follow what you are saying, even as I am pathetically trying to. What this means to ME is just another confirmation that I am socially awkward, ha! Just as my shyness could be interpreted as snobbiness, let's just say this form of craziness can be interpreted as standoffishness at worst, or spaciness at best. What does disassociation look like?

OK, today. Today I am checking out. Avoiding my kids. Not feeling like I'm in my body, because I don't want to be in my life today. House is in its usual state of "everwhere you look, there's something to do." Belly is still big and hanging there. Baby is having trouble sleeping today, even though she slept over 3 years yesterday for Aunt FrieDee. Humph. And children's puzzles, games, antics (like fighting with hangers pretending they are in Peter Pan) are not very amusing to me today. Today I am giving grumpy answers. Today I am reading too many blogs as I catch up from not reading any at all. Today I am tired of my education going to waste. Today I want to sew, write, read, ride my bike, play piano--BY MYSELF. Today I am avoiding even THINKING about what to cook for dinner because we are out of meat again. OK, any meat that I want to cook anyway. I'm not cooking a whole turkey today, even though there is one in my freezer!! Well, and it wouldn't be done today either.

My mom used to sing the song:
"Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries; I'll drink your sweet wine
And a million tomorrows will all pass away
'Ere I forget the joy that is mine today"

Tomorrow I might look at these feelings and think, "Those were just feelings. Today is different." But I admit, I do want joy TODAY. And if joy is a fruit of the spirit, is there enough time for it to grow today? It's already 4 pm.

I think we moms do this blogging because we want to make sense out of life, put some more meaning into the mundane things we do everyday. Or find the meaning in them, anyway. I think CHECKING IN here right now is helping to bring me back from CHECKING OUT--feel your feet, Bekah. Is there a life-or-death crisis going on right now? I am learning my ramped-up nervous system is often in fight-or-flight response. Anxiety is almost never real. Am I dangling off a cliff by my toenails? No. Am I, or any family members, in immediate danger of death, that I know of? No, but it's kind of quiet down there. Is the baby still blabbing and fussing instead of sleeping? Yes. Will it kill me? It feels like it, but no. It feels like things are really bad, but they are OK. It feels like when I was alone growing up, but it is not the same. Feels the same, not the same. I have my own family now.

So let's not tell lies today. Let's tell ourselves that it will be OK. That it, in fact, is OK. Maybe tomorrow it will feel like it.
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