Saturday, May 9, 2009

Eighteenth Step

My 18th step was to socialize with other moms at my MOPS group--for mental health. :) We had a nice meeting, and I realized that I could have been more involved this year. After our Chicago trip, I feel like we're capable of more than I think (me, the baby inside, and the 2 outside). So opting out on some of the trips and social stuff may not have been necessary, even though I felt overwhelmed that day or like just staying home. Numerous times I did not have the schedule straight, or had other commitments going on. But I think I could have been more vulnerable and not worried so much about moms not REALLY knowing me. How will they get to know me, if I don't open up and make an effort? Sometimes insecurity is so subtle I don't see how it affects me until I look back. 

I think I'm still hung up on my personality on the placemat at the Chinese place we'd go to in junior high--a goat. I still remember the first part, "Except for the knack of always getting off on the wrong foot with people, the goat can be charming company." And it has been true--most people don't know my goofy side at first. It is buried underneath 8 loads of laundry and my still-unpacked suitcases from Chicago. And my very serious job of mothering and wife-ing. And my passion for growing in the Lord and healing from the past and who has time to just be silly?? But I have been lonely lately, and wondering how I could reach out more to other women, who I would start with, how it would work, and what it would look like. And why the times I've tried to reach out have been discouraging or kind of puttered out. Petered out? Sputtered out? You know what I mean. I suppose friendships can't be built in one attempt, eh?

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