Monday, May 4, 2009

Twelfth Step

OK, in a traditional 12 step program I would be all done now! Except in Celebrate Recovery, we learn that it's not "12 steps, 12 days, I'm done." Average time for real change in peoples' lives = 18 months. Soooooo, you are stuck with me for a while. We are taking one day at a time with these baby steps in healthy my twelfth step involved being proactive and not being codependent with our travel plans. I was excited to go downtown on Saturday with Roberto and the kids, but we just could not do it with the mental and physical energy we had. We had trouble figuring out an alternate plan, but most of the options involved giving up going downtown. So I prayed and spent some time with God and was disappointed, but tried to figure out what reality would be like if we went. And realized that I would be feeling like it was all on my shoulders to "make it work" and figure out parking, what we were doing, where we were going because I'm from Chicago area and am more comfortable with the city. And if things started to go wrong or kids were stretched too far, I realized I would feel responsible and also guilty if we ended up spending more money than we planned, etc. So it was good to see that I was taking on too much responsibility for the whole trip and did not need to be responsible for making sure Robert didn't get stressed out because he's not a city boy.

Putting the whole situation before God and saying, "What's your will for today?" was hard because I had such a desire to go get the "feel" of the city, my fix for the year. I had been looking forward to going downtown all week, but ultimately it would have been too much for me too after a busy, tiring (but good) visit. We decided to rest, let the kids take a nap for only the 2nd time that week, and pack up to go the a hotel in Indianapolis area. Then go to the children's museum there before we drove the rest of the way home. It was good to admit I couldn't handle it, and that I would have felt immense pressure to make the whole downtown thing work out well to prove we (I) could do it. Facing reality and the truth of what I could handle was humbling, but I am glad that God stopped me in my tracks. It's His protection, really. Plus I think He really wanted to provide a day of rest because the kids and I are still fighting (old) colds.

My other breakthrough was realizing the way I like to travel. I don't like not having an idea where we're going to stay along the way (especially when we told Clarissa the hotel would have a pool), so I researched online before we left and had 2 options based on how far we could maybe get. This was good, because there was no way we could've gotten to the further option. And the hotel was perfect!! Pool, jacuzzi, free breakfast, big fridge for all our cooler items, and 2 QUEEN beds. None of this double bed business. Robert would rather wing it and assume it will work out, but I was able to say, "No, I like the security of having a couple set options and the phone numbers with me (since we don't have a blackberry or any such device for on-the-road research), so I'll take responsibility for what is important to me and research before we leave." I know it sounds lame, but this was a big step for me. And I called on the way to make sure both had several nonsmoking rooms. I'm not an over-the-top planner, but I think planning is peachy when it gives me peace of mind. And Clare had been excited about a hotel stay all week (I had hoped it was going to be a Chicago hotel, but laid that down), so she was happy as a clam to be there.

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